how can you meet two babies' needs?

[MamaChris]

I have 3mo twins. I love both babies to pieces, but every day I wish they had arrived one at a time. I feel completely incapable of meeting both their needs. Our day is taken up almost entirely by keeping one quiet whilst getting one to sleep, and as they won't nap for more than 30 mins and get tired again 30-60 mins, there's rarely time to give either my full attention. In the rare periods they're both happy I end up trying to fit in all the other things I need to do (including look after ds1).

People on here say twins are great, but I feel they are missing out because they are twins. I think dt2 would be less needy if he didn't have to wait for me when he gets distressed because I'm in the middle of changing dt1 and that dt1 wouldn't be behind him in all milestones if she didn't get ignored so much simply because she will tolerate it.

I constantly feel I am letting them down because they arrived together. Did anyone else feel like this and still manage to be a good parent? How?

Mama - 3 months is a really hard point to be at.

I found the first 6 - 12 months really brutal and those first 3 were a huge shock. I definitely thought about how much better and easier it would be if they'd come one at a time. But it was just a passing phase (that seemed to last an awful long time).

I think you're right to some extent - they don't get the same attention a singleton would. But babies are resilient, and milestones will generally be reached at roughly the same time with basic attention as they would if you gave them intensive attention. So it feels bad, but you're not short-changing them.

Looking back, I think as a twin mum in the first year it's you that's missing out the most - there's so little time to enjoy the babies yourself.

Take heart. It gets easier, then as they get older they have each other in a way siblings of different ages don't. It's absolutely amazing to watch them begin to play with each other.

You have the best to come.

They are hard times but now that mine are almost 5, the time I remember most is when they sat opposite each other and just started giggling at each other.

I think all of this individual attention malarkey is exaggerated and agree with lottie that multiples and non-PFBs learn quicker to wait.

Can you get any help from others, so you can concentrate on one baby at a time?

Also, I found a routine/schedule to be a lifesaver and frankly don't know how other multiple's parents can manage without.

Can I agree with SuchProspects that the feelings you have are affecting you probably more than them. I'm not sure I'll ever quite get over the jealousy of people who manage to have all that time with one baby - and perhaps the fact you have been there with ds1 makes it all the more difficult.

But there will come a time when they realise they have each other and that will more than make up for any sharing of your time. I have 20 month old boys, one of whom sleeps about 45 minutes less every lunchtime. In theory I should make the most of that time with him alone. In practise he just paces around not able to settle till his brother gets up.

The small differences that you probably wouldn't notice if they were 2 years apart do become obvious when they are growing up together - probably dt1 would still be hitting her milestones a bit later. For me dt2 is freakily 1 month behind at all times.

Not sure I always thought so in that tough first year but people are right - twins are great.

Oh you poor thing, those first few months really are tough, but as the others say, they're tougher for you than they are for the babies.

I remember sobbing my heart out that I hadn't managed to bath them till they were over a week old, and that I was a terrible mother and they were so deprived etc etc . It takes a while for your hormones to settle down, at the same time, they develop so each can occupy themselves much better while you deal with the other twin.

I definitely had the same guilt as you, but my two were the 3rd and 4th in our group of 9 babies to walk - so not that late with their milestones. I think they'll also be the 2nd/3rd to talk - so please don't worry about the lack of individual attention affecting them.

Get out every day!! I would have gone mad staying in Even if its just for a walk round the block!

thanks for all the support, and the knowledge it will get better. we have increased ds1's hours in nursery which helps.

those of you who used a schedule - how? we were all up at same time today, both babies tired an hour later and by some magic got them to sleep in my lap (bliss compared to double slinging or sling/cot combo). half an hour later dt2 was awake, but dt1 has been asleep for 1.5 hours and counting (unusual). now dt2 is getting tired again. am I supposed to wake dt1 when dt2 wakes or force dt2 to sleep until dt1 wakes? yesterday, dt1 had 6 naps and dt2 4, so we are very far from any routine!

Well I always tried (and I'm still not always successful) to get them both down for a nap at the same time, but then when one woke, I brought them downstairs, so they didn't disturb the other one.
When they were very small they napped in their bouncy chairs in the living room, so when one woke up and got noisy I would carry the other bouncy chair into the dining room/hall so they were undisturbed.

By putting them down together I at least got some precious time to eat, go to the loo, shower etc , but it wasn't really a schedule, as I didn't wake them both up together. DTS has always needed more sleep than DTD, so it would have felt wrong to wake him just because she was rested enough.

MamaChris -

We got ours into a routine (that slowly became a schedule) by waking the sleeping one shortly after the first woke. After a while it became apparent that one of them needed a little more sleep than the other so we'd let her sleep a little longer but not until she woke of her own accord. I couldn't get them to go down together if I didn't wake the other, but you'll need to see what works for you.

It took a while. I think 3 months was where it started to come together a bit, before that everything was a real blur. By 6 months they were pretty steady. But you have to keep adjusting as they grow and change.