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Can you help me with the guilt?

24 replies

HappyAsASandboy · 04/11/2010 08:31

Hi,

My twins are 15 days old today, and I'm struggling with the guilt of having to put one twin before the other when they both want feeding, or when one starts screaming part way through the other's nappy change and in any number of other situations.

I can't sucessfully feed the two of them together yet (we're working on it, but thet don't get much milk and I can never get them propped up evenly, so I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions), so if they both wake together, I have to choose which one gets fed first and which has to make do with a finger to suck. I feel so guilty having to choose - I know that neither of these babies are getting the feeding/changing/cuddling that they're asking for, and that they'd each get if they were single babies Sad.

I know I can't do any more than I am (except get the tandem feeding sorted), but I end up crying with the guilty feelings sometimes Sad.

Is this normal? How have/do others cope with this?

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SparklePffftBANG · 04/11/2010 08:37

Oh you poor thing, congratulations on your twins, but that must be hard.
Have you tried (or will you try) dummies?
Parenting is a compromise at every stage, in a few months time your DCs will have a perfect playmate and companion/comforter. If and when they start nursery they will be starting it with their best friend.
Have you joined TAMBA? Is there anyone who has fed twins who can give you practical help to get tandem feeding sorted?

HappyAsASandboy · 04/11/2010 08:48

Thanks for replying quickly Sparkle.

I will try dummies, and am looking forward to being able to express/use formula and bottle feed one twin when they both want feeding at once. I'm not doing this yet as I don't want them to reject the breast (aside from wanting to physically feed, I don't get much milk when expressing, so I suspect I'd dry up if they stopped feeding from the breast).

Has anyone introduced dummies/bottles as early as 2 weeks and managed to keep feeding from the breast too?

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SparklePffftBANG · 04/11/2010 09:22

I think we gave DS a dummy from about 2 weeks (I remember the MW was still visiting) and it was fine, but I know it isn't recommended so that is just my experience. I am still bf him now (at 3 1/2) so it definitely didn't lead to early weaning!

HappyAsASandboy · 04/11/2010 09:44

Thanks Sparkle - I think I'll just have to hang on as long as I can and then risk it. I don't think it'll be too long though!

I have joined TAMBA, and a local twins club. I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ask the twins club if anyone would spend an hour or two working on the tandem feeding with me.

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e3chick · 04/11/2010 09:46

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been riddled with guilt from the beginning, even though I did manage to tandem feed I just couldn't hold them as much as they wanted so there was still lots of crying. I think guilt goes hand in hand with having multiples - unless you have another person with you helping all day and night. Mine didn't even like the pram much so I couldn't easily soothe them both that way.

I would have thought that expressing to add a bottle is going to tie up your time even more, so trying to get them both feeding in tandem would be a more efficient solution. Can you get the BfN or someone similar to come around to your house to have a play around with pillows to see if they can help you get a system worked out for feeding them both at the same time? The BfN are very active in my area so I lent heavily on them, but maybe La Leche or even the NCT??

Can you see if you can borrow and Ez-2-nurse to see if it works for you? (Some people like it others don't, so you may not want to waste money).

When I did it, I had a V pillow around the front of me and then I put a pile under it around to my left and right and a single pillow resting across my knees. That kind of raised the V pillow up evenly so that it was horizontal. I had to pull the pillow very close to my body to avoid the babies falling into the gap.

I got the babies onto the pillow fairly close to my nipples but further round towards my armpit. Then I would undo my bra and put the poorer latcher on first. When she was on, the t2 was only a few inches away and I was able to pull her into position (she was a good latcher so I didn't need too much fiddling, thankfully). My posture was usually far from ideal, in that I often had a rounded back as I brought my breasts down to the babies rather than vice versa, but it got me through a tricky phase.

In a little while you should have more flexibility with positions as their spines get stronger. The jockey position is one I preferred - one stradling each knee, facing me. There are some weird and wonderful positions in the photos "HERE [[http://www.karengromada.com/karengromada/photos/index.htm"

I don't know if you have other children, but if you haven't things get dramatically easier in 3ish months time when their feeds get quicker and they are able to handle waiting better. At 3.5 months I ditched tandem feeding for the most part except for emergencies.

I can't read any articles about the damage of controlled crying because I know how much these two had to cry in their early weeks and I feel awful - even though I know there was absolutely nothing I could have done.

Oh, a further thing. If you have other children or even if you don't, I got a mother's help to come in from 4-7 (she was a student at the local uni) and she was a godsend. That was one period of time when noone cried as well as laundry, tidying and food got done.

I hope you have a better day today. You are not alone.

e3chick · 04/11/2010 09:51

Link HERE

SparklePffftBANG · 04/11/2010 10:12

I tandem fed (older child and baby) and it was almost impossible in the early days but quickly got easier as the younger one gained more head and spine control. I know I obviously was in a very different situation, but just wanted to add that.
Plus - controlled crying. We all have to leave children crying every now and again, in the car, while showering etc, your may be a bit more than most but I really believe any damage is done by prolonged failure to meet the baby's needs - not juggling meeting the baby's needs with all the other stuff you have to do - which in your case includes caring for another baby.

londonlottie · 04/11/2010 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hattyyellow · 04/11/2010 13:39

Have you tried the EZ2 Nurse pillow? It was an absolute godsend for me in nursing my twins together - link here

www.twinsuk.co.uk/twinstips/3/9933928/breastfeeding--weaning/ez-2-nurse-twins-inflatable-feeding-cushion---faqs/

It means you can feed hands free and it's so much easier to get them on and staying on without them slipping/cushions slipping etc

I did feel a bit silly at first but the bliss of getting them to feed together comfortably was great and it meant I could have a drink/eat/watch tv etc - as long as food and drink were brought to me or I got it ready first!

and the feelings of guilt are sadly very normal but it does get massively better and easier to spend one on one time with them. My twins are now 5 and I am heading off on SAturday for a whole weekend with just one of them and her godmother!

OpheliaBumps · 05/11/2010 11:27

I tandem fed for about 4 weeks, but my supply was awful so I ended up mixing expressed feeding and formula feeding. I got my DH to help, I would latch one twin on and he would pass me the other and help to latch that one on. I used ez2nurse and normal cushions (could not get the hang of ez2nurse in bed).

I do remember that those first few weeks were absolute hell, I remember crying and crying because I was exhausted, guilty, hormonal etc etc. We didn't give them their first bath till they were over a week old, I was sobbing at them 'you poor little things I can't even bath you like a proper mum'.

It does get easier, and well done for even getting on here so soon after you've had them, you're doing a great job!

My DTs are 14.5 months now, and it's wonderful having twins. They play together and give each other hugs and kisses - singleton babies don't have that much affection on tap as even their mummies aren't there for hugs and kisses all day!

oooggs · 05/11/2010 11:35

congratulations, twins are fantastic - I know just th people who you need and I will try and drag them in from the regular multiple thread.

Remember that at 15 days your hormones will still be wild and the guilt sets in as soon as you are pregnant with your 1st child and never leaves Wink

I am super sure you are doing a fab job, when I breast fed mine I did mainly tandem feed.

You could try just alternating it if that works for you.

Off now to get you some more help

(Hi SPB Smile)

penona · 05/11/2010 23:28

Hello

Firstly - it's normal! Secondly - guilt seems to come with motherhood, so get used to that feeling....

How are things going? It is very difficult in the beginning when they are so very needy and you are pulled in every way. It does get easier, I think the very first month was the hardest of all (mine are 3.5yo now), and knowing it ends isn't much help!

Can you get anyone to help? I had a mother's help for 4 hours a day, 3 days a week for about 6 weeks at the beginning. It was not the luxury it sounds - but a necessity to keep me sane! (if you can possibly afford it, do try - early Xmas present from the family - in return you can smile and be happy on Xmas day?!?!?!) She helped hugely with organsing each feed (passing me a child, then winding it and doing nappy change while other one fed). TBH I found tandem BFing very very difficult - I had friends who did it for 6 mths with twins and both agreed it was much easier once they hit the 6 week mark and the twins were stronger, latching on better, supply established etc. Hence trying to get any help you can until you reach this milestone.

I help with a local twins club and a few of us mums would be happy to come and give advice in the home to someone trying to tandem feed as we all know how hard it is. I also got good advice from the TAMBA phoneline and the NCT breastfeeding line.

Finally, it really is all worth it. Mine are just gorgeous right now, how they learn and play together and totally love each other. Such a very special bond that singletons don't have. Makes up for all the waiting around in the early years (and they can't remember that anyway!!)

kathryn2804 · 07/11/2010 22:10

I run our local twins club, and I'm a b-feeding peer supporter so always popping over to people to advise on tandem feeding. It will get easier, just hang in there. EZ cushion was a Godsend for me so might be worth it. There's a healthy second hand market either on ebay or TAMBA For Sale forum as they're REALLY expensive!

kathryn2804 · 07/11/2010 22:10

And guilt is the natural state for a mother, whether you have twins triplets or just one baby!

HappyAsASandboy · 08/11/2010 07:26

Thanks for all your supportive words - it really does help to hear that it gets easier Smile.

I'm feeling a bit stronger today - DH has been an enormous help over the weekend - penona is right that having someone else to do the winding/changing while you move on to the second baby really helps. Unfortunately DH is back to work again today (our first full week with him at work Confused).

Is the EZ-2-nurse the best pillow to get? I'd seen this one www.ardomums.co.uk/shop/item/My-Brestfriend-pillow, but if you guys think the EZ one would be better then I'll get the EZ one ....

I've become a bit 'harder' over the weekend, and take the babies off the breast once I think they've finished actually feeding. This is speeding up the feed/wind/change cycle as the feed bit is down to about 20 mins per baby, though I now feel guilty that they're not getting the 'comfort suckling' aspect of feeding. I couldn't carry on with the hour and more long feeds for each baby though. They seem sleepy and satisfied after feeding, so i can only assume that the greater part of each feed was just for comfort rather than feeding. Although I'm sure this is important, surely the twin getting comfort isn't getting sufficient to compensate for the upset baby that has to queue for food Sad. I try to catch up on the cuddles after both are fed.

Thanks again for all your support - it helps so much to know that it is normal to feel exhausted, weepy and torn between two babies.

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hattyyellow · 08/11/2010 11:35

I'd get the EZ one definitely. My twins used to feed forever - i think lots of babies do when they are that tiny. If you can get the hang of tandem feeding then you don't have the urgency of having to get one off and then the other one on. i remember hours of daytime tv in those early days as the main problem of tandem feeding is you can't do it discreetly so i spent a lot of time at home - tried to get out whenever possible just to stop the cabin fever!

Good luck - this is a phase and it will pass!

nothingbyhalves · 08/11/2010 17:15

Congrats on twins. It may seem hard now, but it dos get easier, and in many ways Twins can be easier! I couldn't manage tandem feeding at all, and found myself in the same position as you. I used to alternate which i fed first to deal withthe guilt, but in time they did start to wake about 30 minutes apart which enabled me to feed one at a time with no guilt. This didn't always work out, and when one was feeding and the other crying i would sing! we have a 2 way baby monitor which helped out with this!

I did express milk early on but didn't like to bottle feed more than once a day(for no reason in particular). I also did give them dummies.

Unfortunately with twins there will betimes when you can't sort them out at the same time, and it is hard, but you do get used to it. Just think of the positives! They will never be alone, will always have someone to play with and will hopefully learn to share.

Chin up and enjoy your babies! This will get easier!

bellabelly · 09/11/2010 00:43

My twin girls are 8 weeks and have had dummies and also bottles since they were born. So far, they are still fine with breastfeeding so doesn't seem to be any sort of nipple confusion going on although I have heard that can happen. I am trying to tandem feed more often because it just saves so much time BUT tbh it does make me feel like a milk machine! At frst I was vey afraid of hurting the babies and I will feel more gung ho about it when they can support ther own heads properly. But for now, I am doing exactly what e3chick suggests with the cushions and the v-shaped pillow and it works v well on the whole. Think I'll always prefer feeding them one at a time but tandem feeding is great when they are both hungry and crying at teh same time. Smile

PS, I also have 3 year old twin boys and all this hard work in the early days is definitely worth it in the end when they're not squabbling Wink

thesecondcoming · 09/11/2010 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeithTalent · 11/11/2010 09:36

Lots of good advice here.

To add to that, I can't recommend ap multiples yahoo group enough.

It has loads of brilliant advice about every aspect of twins, and for me the best bit is the daily email round up, which helps you realise there are lots of people going through the same thing.

I managed to tandem feed after about 3 weeks, when their suck was stronger. If you do breastfeed, you have to accept that their feeds will be lengthy for the first 3 months, so it's really worth persevering until you get the hang of it. Also def worth feeding in your bed, so you can rest, and you can roll them off and they can sleep when finished.

Good luck!

Bellabelly- congratulations!

baybay · 11/11/2010 18:07

Hi Happy, big congratulations on your twins, you must be doing well to get on yhe internet 15 days into it!
Cant offer any feeding advice as mine were bottle fed from the start but just wanted to share with you a very simple thing that was an absolute godsend for me-a swinging chair!
We got a second hand one from another twin mum and it really made such a difference, they loved it, it would soothe one to sleep and meant that i could cuddle the other happily and guilt free!

slinkyfish · 14/11/2010 11:00

Hi Happy

Mine were both bottle fed too having expressed for 3 months in NICU. I had to leave them in hospital and deal with how you are feeling too about leaving one to cry as I never managed to tandem feed them. They had poor sucks and feeding issues. One of them did have a dummy but the other was never that bothered, but I am very pro dummies to help in those early weeks / months if it gives them comfort. Swaddling helped to settle and comfort my 2 too

My boys are 2 1/2 years old now. The lovely thing about twins is that as they get older they always have each other. My 2 really look out for each other. One is poorly at the moment and the other keeps bringing him teddies, drinks and kissing and patting him. They learn to share quickly and despite driving each other mad from time to time they are very close.

Although I never bf the twins I did with DD. Be careful of comfort sucking as it can make you very sore. If they like to comfort suck, take them off and give them a dummy (use a rose bud shaped one which tiny ones find easier to keep in) Once they have fed, take them off and give them that, otherwise you'll have 2 babies attached to you 24/7 and be very uncomfortable Wink

I know my 2 will never remember those difficult early days and they know how much they are loved just as your twins know how much you love them. So please try not to feel guilty. Those early days are damn hard work and you can only do your best

Grit your teeth over this period and I promise it will get easier and be worth all the hard work xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaLoose · 15/11/2010 16:22

Hello,

You are doing brilliantly. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! There is no alternative and you are being a wonderful, loving mother to both of them. My twins are 20 months old. I couldn't get tandem feeding, despite having all the EZ kit (what a waste of money that was for me!). What I did was to keep a sheet of paper on me and keep a note of who had fed first at the last feed, then alternate with the other one first next. MASSIVELY anal, I know, but we do weird things when our twins are very small! And it did help me feel a bit better. As for them not getting as much attention as they would if they were single babies - well, I'm not sure that's right. Having experienced the same guilt myself, I took to thinking about second, third, or fourth children in 'normal' (ie singleton) families. Their mothers have equally split attentions/only one pair of hands. You are doing brilliantly. Take the pressure off yourself. If you can't get tandem feeling, stop trying. With twins, the path of least resistance is the best route. And the fact that you care enough to post here shows you are already a fantastic mum. x

HappyAsASandboy · 15/11/2010 17:10

Thank you all so much for posting - it really des make a difference to know others went through this.

I've started with dummies today as I couldn't manage the nursing to sleep for comfort anymore and my fingers were wrinkly from all the sucking going on! So far the dummies are a hit, though I'm surprised thst they keep sucking even in their sleep!!

Can anyone tell me how often I should be sterilising the dummies for 1 month olds?

Thank you for savig my sanity Smile

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