one of them is 'difficult'... any tactics?

[LaLoose]

Hello,

I have 18-month-old B/G twins. Boy is increasingly difficult and hard to control (incipient terrible twos). I am finding it difficult to know how to control his outbursts. If he's tired/hungry/doesn't get his own way/slightly off colour, he will throw himself about and scream hysterically. His record is three hours. I have tried ignoring him while playing with their favourite toys with Girl twin. Sometimes works; often doesn't. Last week, I installed a 'naughty pen' for him to calm down in and stop screaming. It worked once, and hasn't since. The trouble I'm having is that he's too young to understand detailed instructions/language/how to behave notes... but we can't really go on with his behaving like this. As his tantrums go on, Girl twin gets incredibly upset, as Boy is taking so much attention. Eventually, she simply parks herself down and wails (very unusual for her, she's very even-tempered), until I give her a hug. So... I know I'm doing lots of things wrong. How can I handle this?

Lucy

You're not doing anything wrong, it's sooo hard with a singleton that does this but even harder with twins. I've had both. My boy twin went through a stage of this about 18 months too I think. They've just turned 2. He's still the less even-tempered one but now that he's starting talking and I can understand what he wants he's calmed down a lot. Whenever he's ill though, it all kicks off again and he screams for britain!
There's no easy way of handling it, some children have tantrums some don't. But I did find that routine, routine, routine did help with him as well as food. Quite frankly he seems to get hungry about every hour whereas his sister doesn't. Pre-empting the tantrums by feeding him snacks often and making a drink available at all times (anyway up cups!) has really helped.

If you think he's getting tired earlier than your dd then maybe think about putting him down for a nap earlier. I did this when they were babies. I've noticed that my 3 boys have always got more tired than dd. There's not a lot you can do once he's in meltdown mode. Try to avoid the meltdown in the first place, catch him before the grumbles start. DS3 (boy twin) always does better out in the garden, doesn't matter if it's wet, I plonk him in his waterproofs and out he goes. If he's a bit grumpy it sorts him out. He does need a lot more activities going on in the day than dd so I tend to focus on him more. DD often goes for a nap later or wakes earlier so I read her books then which is what she likes most!

Do make it easy on yourself. If biscuits or a bit of chocolate or TV will do the trick, use them whether it's 9am or 4pm!

Thank you so much. I think I'm making first-timer mistakes a lot with them. You sound as though you learned how to cope with it with your earlier singletons. It is so very good to hear I'm not doing anything wrong. And your idea about more snacks I will certainly try ... he does have a big appetite, so perhaps he is hungry. Thanks again! Roll on two years old and TALKING! I know that will help...

If you look at it as a very steep learning curve rather than making mistakes you might feel better, you're being really hard on yourself. I coped very badly with first baby, yes I suppose you do learn a few tricks as time goes on. But still coping very badly at times too, believe me!
Two years is quite nice, I've got them taking their plates to the kitchen and helping clean up toys etc. I noticed boy twin wants to help a lot more, his sister not interested so I've tried to give him tasks etc like emptying the bins with me, grown up things. Seems to take the edge off with him.
Hope things get better and the tantrums ease up.

LaLoose - you are not alone. I'm experiencing exactly the same thing as you. My DT are 21 months and I'm praying that accessorizequeen is right and turning 2 and more talking is going to help considerably. Sadly for us it seems that my son is constantly ill also which means he's always so grumpy. DS gets over her colds much more quickly too.
Thanks accessorizequeen for your answer as I'm feeling a lot more reassured that my DS is not going have behavioural issues for ever.

Can I unhelpfully add another "you're not alone". In fact I was about to post something similar - except I have two 18 month old boys with different issues both causing me problems (today was not a high point in my time as a mother). One easily resorts to hysteria, often all the way through mealtimes. The other is more even tempered, but has recently discovered hitting, pushing, hair pulling and generally upsetting his easily upsettable brother. Really just needs to be ignored - but how to manage that when his target is exactly the same age?

Have you tried signing? My easier going boy is really starting to use them a lot recently and though his favourites (chicken and hat) are not much use he has started to ask for food and drinks now which does help.

Thankfully dinner and bed usually go really well, so I only need to make it to 5pm and I've survived another day.

No I haven't tried signing - maybe I should! Babyduo my son is always ill too. Though he has been well for a whole month now. I've been giving them both a spoon of manuka honey at breakfast time. Probably hokum, but he hasn't been ill for a month (cue high temperature tonight!)
Thanks everyone for letting me know I'm not alone. I thought I was just being a lame mum, but now I think I'm probably normal. I like normal!

I love reading this twin threads. My girls are nearly 10 now and I do forget how tough it was at times when they were tiny. Maybe I've blocked it out . I also had one very easy twin and one 'difficult' one and I agree with what someone else said, frequent snacks to pre-empt the meltdown. That def worked with mine, still does sometimes! I remember feeling that the difficult one got most of my attention due to her personality and the easy going chilled one missed out because she was so easy, another thing to feel guilty about!

It does get a lot easier though, so hang in there.

can I add another "you're not alone!" message....!

Your boy sounds just like one of my girl twins (almost 2). For the past month or so she's been crying almost constantly (or it's seemed like that!) and she's driving me to hair-pulling despair. I feel like I've tried everything but still she cries - today she's averaged about 10 minutes between each meltdown. Her sister, more easy going and chipper, looks on in dismay - sometimes she'll scoot off to find a favourite toy to give to her sister, then she starts crying because she gets a slap or a shove for her trouble.

I also have dd1 who's nearly 4 - she's really good on the whole but I feel bad for her because the twins take up so much time and - with all the screaming - attention.

I think part of the trouble might be (for my screamer) that she's not talking, bar a few words, so possibly she's getting frustrated. DD1 was talking very well by 2 - does anyone know if twins do tend to start talking later?

Pollyblue, I don't know the answer, but all I can say is that my 21-month-olds don't say much at all apart from 'star'(?!) 'ball' and 'no'(!), and not even those very frequently. I get quite twitchy when I see other threads in behaviour/development with titles such as 'my 15-month-old only has 30 words, should I worry?'

sandyballs - my twins are nearly 9 and I think I have blocked out a lot too :) I didn't have one who was consistently difficult and one who wasn't though. Mine alternated, and if one was being hideous the other one went super angelic.

OP - you have worked out that two of the triggers are tiredness or hunger, perhaps you can change your schedule so these occasions are minimised?

Also, I found it essential that I noticed the build up for these tantrums and distraction was my friend! I read a lot to mine, this nipped tantrums in the bud very quickly by changing the atmosphere. But, I didn't have other children and was a SAHM with no other commitments - I would have no idea how to do it if I had to follow another child's schedule. We were fairly scheduled though, did specific things on specific days which helped kids know where they were all the time as at that age they love consistency.

Good luck - it can be very stressful bringing up twins!

LaLoose, mine say about half a dozen words - "No!" is the current favourite....! I hear that a lot. They babble away to me and each other, and they obviously understand each other, which made me wonder if they just don't feel the need to learn to speak to me and DH - when they do need to communicate with us they just (lazily?) resort to pointing and squealing. sighs