Do I need a maternity nurse?

[bunnymother]

I am currently 26 weeks with ID twin girls, and have a 15 month old DD. Everyone I see locally with twins (admittedly we are in an affluent area - although we are not affluent ) says that a maternity nurse was a lifesaver and is a must. So DH thinks we should get one. However, we are already hiring a full time nanny and I am concerned that a) there will be too many non-family members around me; b) mat nurse would have to sleep on couch (ooh the perks of working with us!); and c) it could be a luxury that, frankly, we would prefer to do without (nanny already costing £££). Thoughts?

Hi Bunnymother, I am 27 weeks pregnant with identical girls Snap!

I have no other children so don't have any experience, but I'm planning to be ok on my own with some help from DP and our mums and am hoping I'll cope. I've decided to get a cleaner but otherwise I'd rather do it myself.

I live near Richmond (affluent area again and we are ok but not rolling in it )

I see you've talked to twin mums, is there a twins club in your area? I'm planning on going along to mine in a few weeks and getting some advice. I'm sure everyone didn't hire a maternity nurse

Good luck and Congratulations btw

Hi Lavita! I noticed that you and I are "neck and neck" w our twin pregnancies, but didn't know you are also having ID girls - fantastic!! Do you have Tuesday appointments at Queen Charlotte's (I know from another post you go there and also to another hospital)? Thankfully Unfortunately we have no family nearby (apart from DSIS who is more of a shopping/dining/cocktailing partner than a "lets change the babies nappy" kind of sister. Am grateful - I need SOME fun to look forward to!!) so have to hire a nanny.

I met a couple at the playground who had 11 month old twins and did it alone (didn't know what the Sam Hill a mat nurse was) and recommended it. We also have a cleaner, but thought that w FT nanny enough was enough.

I sent an email to the twins club that Tamba had listed but silence in response, so will ask a local twin mum if she knows how I can meet other twin mums. I agree - surely not everyone gets them!!

Good luck and congrats to you too!!

Hi bunny. Congrats on your twin pregnancy, and to Lavita too .

My DS1 was 22 months when my DTs (b/g) were born. Slightly bigger gap but I don't think it will make much difference to the main situation!

We had a doula who came to the house from 10am to 2pm three days a week. I found this enough help tbh. She did do 4/5 days a week for the first couple of weeks until I felt confident taking DS1 to nursery on my own, and she then only came on the days he was at home all day.

I think with a full-time nanny you should get enough chance to recuperate in the day to prepare yourself for the night. I definitely wouldn't have both.

Before I booked my doula, I ummed and ahhed about whether to get a maternity nurse or a doula. I really liked the idea of having someone else to deal with most of the night time wakings so I could sleep better leaving me better prepared to enjoy my children and spend time with them in the day. However like you I was worried about where she would sleep and also the cost. We also live in an affluent area, but don't know anyone who had a maternity nurse except one of the girls in my ante natal group, for her first (single) baby.

I was just saying in another post, that if you are bottle feeding, or expressing at all, your DH can do the last feed of the day enabling you to get to bed early to make it easier to get through the night.

Having said that, at six months we did have a sleep nanny for DD (one of DTs) as she was waking up so often, and not actually needing a feed. It was bliss knowing she would deal with the night wakings and I didn't need to worry!

Finally, if you want my Buggypod Smorph, you are welcomg to it .

Forgot to add, my DTs went to nursery one day a week from three months. I think if I had not gone down that route I would have either gone mad, or had to hire help at home instead. How long will you have your nanny for? Is she live-in?

Have never had a cleaner, but my lovely doula did do things like loading and emptying dishwasher, hoovering and hanging up washing, while I had a lie down when DS1 napped at lunch.

Hi again bunny, yes my next appoinment at Queen Charlotte's is on the 21st of this month. What have they said to you about the birth? Are you having a C section, if so at how many weeks? or are you going for a natural birth?

Feeling a bit scared now and just hoping it will all come naturally

Hi Egg

Thanks for your response, its really reassuring that its definitely doable without a mat nurse!! I did think "surely I can do without".

Not sure how the feeding will go, but expect that I will be taking the easy route this time (many probs w bf DD and not going to put us all through that stress and upset again - although am hopeful bf will go well). Good thinking re DH and the evening bottle feeding - think it helped DH bond v nicely w DD in the early days.

Not sure how long we will have our nanny for - its open ended (ie am hoping that DH agrees we always need her as am planning on going back to work when the DTs are a few years old and would be great to have the same nanny stay with us, poss w fewer hours). No room at the inn for a live-in nanny!!

I totally understand why you needed DTs to also attend nursery. Really, our nanny is an alternative and means I get lots of flexibility about how our days run.

Oops, Egg - sorry! Would love to take you up on the offer of the Smorph - are you able to CAT me? We can arrange ££ etc.

LaVita - consultant says C-section at 36 weeks (if not earlier) to be decided at 32 weeks. Which is apparently QC policy for ID twins, although sounds like you have been told a natural birth is an option? Perhaps QC isn't your "primary" hospital, so you follow their policy?

Yes I also had such a nightmare breast feeding DS1 (although managed for four months) that when it didn't happen easily with DTs I went for the bottles. There are lots of lovely ladies on multiples thread though who can give great advice if you do breast feed your twins. Mars and Hoochie esp.

Am guessing you are in London if you are attending Queen Charlottes (DS1 was born at Chelsea and Westminster but we moved to Winchester before twins were born). I will CAT you, but you can have Buggypod for nothing except postage. I didn't get on too well with it so don't feel I can ask for money!!!! It was great, in theory, but on a Powertwin it just meant it was almost impossible to push. But then if you put it on a side by side double it would be too wide! Anyway, will CAT you shortly.

I found carrying DD (small twin) in sling and putting DS1 and DS2 in buggy worked best, and managed like that for a year, before realising that, at nearly three, DS1 could blooming well walk!

Good plan on the nanny, it is definitely the "cheapest" way to return to work with three young children and means you don't have to get three children fed and dressed before taking them somewhere and then having to get yourself to work. Full or part time nursery for three is v expensive! Thankfully my DTs are about to start pre-school now and DS1 has just started school. Even one day a week was costing a fortune!

Thanks for the tips on who to "speak to" if bf all goes wrong and I need help!

Yes, am in London not too far from QC so a good one for me to attend w not too much hassle.

Will "talk to you" via CAT re Buggypod. Sorry you didn't get on w it though - v annoying. DD can walk, but runs off so needs restraining. Would not trust her on a buggyboard. We have a Phil & Teds so will prob use that for one of the twins and DD w other twin in sling for a bit. But good to have options!!

Ah, glad you have cleared the early childhood ££ hurdle!! Its all ahead of us. Gulp. Oh dear, DD has woken...

No I was told at West Mid it would be C section at 36 weeks too, I just wanted to see if you'd been told the same thing

My West Mid consultant told me to ask QC what week they definitely thought I should have it in as they are more experienced!

Consultant at QC is Mr Wimalasundera and he was definite about C-section at 36 weeks (if not earlier), to be decided at 32 weeks. I had a natural birth w DD and not sorry to give it a miss this time. C section friends raved about how good it was (although surreal as v v calm). Besides, you could poss VBAC next time . Think QC specialise in twins / complicated pregnancies so that prob explains the deference from West Mid.

I was always told that but it's not true. I did it without and I had three older children.

I used to rope in a local teen to come and help through arsenic hour (you know 5-7). Sometimes she would hold babies so that I could cook or be with the others, sometimes she did the dishes or just played.

I think that whichever route you choose, the person should be someone who empowers you to manage and do because they won't always be there and also, they may not share the same child rearing philosophies that you do. Some may say that's unimportant, but I've been in to rescue a fair few.

Congratulations on your double blessing.

Thanks MarsLady! Feeling more and more confident I do not need. Nanny seems to be like minded so looking forward to her company and help. which is v important, I think. Thanks for the congratulations!

Ah good. I was lazy and didn't read the whole thread lol!

Remember to shout once they're here. Love a good twin thread!

that's good advice MarsLady. when you do have help it is best for them to support you and help you with your ideas so that you can carry on more easily whenever no help is available (otherwise the transition is harder). I always find that after the in-laws go home our house is utter chaos because the in-laws treat the every visit like a carnival. imho the whole focus of a maternity nurse/nanny/helper should be to work with the parents and babies so that they are prepared for and can enjoy being on their own as a family.

DS1 was 19mths when my non-id twins arrived. I didn't have any help and we had just moved house - so I relied on the occasional visit from the in-laws. Although I survived and got into a routine fairly rapidly, I really wished we had begged for more help. in retrospect i think coping alone has put huge pressure on our marriage and really put us to the test. In hindsight it would have been better to have paced ourselves a bit and conserve some energy reserves.

Hi bunnymother I am 29 weeks pg with twins with two other children too, and went throught EXACTLY the train of thought that you have done!

I decided to go for the "daytime" help option in the end and have employed a post natal doula for after the twins arrive. A maternity nurse, for the same cost, would only come in for a week and I felt that to have someone around 24/7 would be a little strange.

Wishing us all lots of luck!! We've got a twins antenatal thread going too. Come and join us if you like here

Iwould go for a cleaner, as this was the thing (and still is lol) that went out the window. Managed everything else!

"lazy" (is your name a joke?!) - yes, we want to avoid feeling overwhelmed and under too much strain. So, we are lining up everything nice and early (ie FT nanny starts in 2 weeks), with the idea that when the twins arrive, DD is settled w nanny and we think we have enough or even too much help and can scale back.

Wow smokey - you are going to be busier than me w 4 little ones!! Seems we are definitely on the same page re feeling crowded and questioning "value for money"!

Kathryn - when DD arrived I found the mess v stressful (and DH doesn't do housework etc) so def having a cleaner!

We had a doula : she came 3 mornings a week from my first day back from hospital and was a LIFESAVER! I had a terrible time breastfeeding and was terrified of the whole thing - but she helped me sort it out, adn whilst I didn't manage more than 6 weeks, I know that I wouldn't have managed any at all without her support.

She also helped me with my son's colic amoungst so much more - it was so great to have her with me.

It was expensive but money well spent in my opinion.

We had her come to us for a few mornings a week for the first 12 weeks - at first to help me with the babies, but towards the end it was also an opportunity to get out of the house and go to the gym or something on my own.

I went for a doula instead of a maternity nurse as everything I had read said that doula's look after you as their number one priority and work with you to look after the babies. Maternity nurses, I'd read are solely therefore the baby and some won't even make you a little snack for lunch or something like that. However, I was the first out of my friends to have babies, and since then a fwe of my (much more affluent I would add!) friends have had maternity nurses who did help out more with them too.

The most important thing is to make sure that on a personal level you like her and trust her.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the twins.

A good maternity nurse will care for the mother and baby. It's very much emphasised on all the training courses I've been on that caring for the mother is part of the role so that does mean making sure she's eating/drinking, has time to shower, has time to rest properly and bond with the baby etc.

The big differences come in areas like caring for older children (most MN's won't unless it's helping them to bond with the baby), household chores (MN's clean up after themselves and the babies) and how they give advice/guidance. A MN tends to assume they've been hired partly to help get a good routine set up but doulas are more relaxed IME. I've only ever been an MN though - so that's just from talking to other MNs and doulas, not from having had one!

As you have a nanny I'd say you probably won't need an MN but do have a look around for night nannies in your area in case you need a night off (if bottlefeeding) or someone to bring the babies to you/settle them after (if breastfeeding).

Thanks so much for the additional posts London, BN and Frakkin - it does sound to me as though I will be fine w a full time day nanny, and if it all goes wrong I will assess (ie urgently look for a maternity nurse or doula). We had a doula for DD, but didn't find her massively helpful. Think that was more based on her not being "bossy" enough for me, she was really lovely but quite laid back and I don't think I called on her expertise enough. Having had a baby not so long ago, I am not totally new to this, but twins = BIG challenge.

Now to find me a full time nanny...

We had a maternity nurse for the first 3 weeks and without her I would not have managed to breastfeed. By the time she left I was doing tandem breastfeeding on my own (like juggling in the dark at first), my husband was confidently doing the dream feed of my expressed milk on his own, and we were in a routine that worked really well for us. The boys have always settled really well on their own and I think that must be in part due to her - certainly I wouldn't claim all the credit as I was such a naive novice mum!

I wouldn't have wanted a full time nanny but can imagine that will be more important for you given you already have an older child (my twins were my first babies). Could you get your nanny to start later? Or get her to spend the first few weeks while the mat nurse is there just doing special day trips with your older child while you get the hang of the twin feeding etc? I'm sure she will understand if you say you don't want her around too much in those early weeks - she may even be glad to escape :)

We didn't have a maternity nurse. If we had had the money though, I would have gone for a cleaner. Watching the house descend into chaos wasn't terribly pleasant.