Family's Victorian Attitude to my Kids is getting me down

[Treadmillmom]

My family is Caribbean, my husband?s English.
We have 3 children DS1 6yrs, DS2 4yrs and DD1 18mths.
My family?s Victorian attitude to children is really getting me down.
Apart from my mother my brothers, nephews and nieces spend zero time with my children where as my husband?s family dotes on them.
I recently called a family meeting to discuss their lack of input into my children?s lives, silence fell. Their main excuse has always been distance, we live 30 miles apart, they?re all car owners (my in-laws are 46 miles away).
My nephew sited their behaviour. It?s not the first time my family has made comments about my children negatively.
My boys are typical 4 and 6 year olds, playful, energetic, rough and tumble, smart, imaginative, what else can I say I?m a mum in close contact with other mums and do not see my children act any better or worse than their peers. We?re always mixing with other families and I?m sure if my kids were so awful the invites would be nonexistent, surely?
They are described as having exquisite manners by school and my friends.
My niece is having an engagement party next month that we?ve all been invited to. I was really looking forward to it but not after a conversation I had with my mother a couple of days ago.
She asked what the boys would be wearing. I said nothing fancy as we all know boys just run around a dance floor doing skids on their knees anyway.
Her response was, ?...not if they were my kids...? Mom it?s a party. ?Yes she says with adults and Elders, what will they be thinking if you?re kids are all over the floor?? I say, ?They?ll think, ah there goes a 4 and 6 year old doing what boys do best on shinny dance floors?.
She then felt the need to tell me that my brother (father of the bride to be) was still unimpressed by DS1 pulling the petals off his wife?s hanging basket then denying it until pressured to tell the truth when he was 4!
Christ, child killers get a second chance but my 4 and 6 year old and carrying around a totally undeserved reputation, dished out ONLY by my family.
I recall my brother whose kids are now in their mid twenties doing naughty step, slipper on the bottom etc so surely they weren?t born perfect?
I do remember as a child behaving in a ?seen and not heard? manner when out visiting but surely if I can remember behaving like that then I was already at an age to know better.
I?m so not looking forward to this engagement party now, I just feel like my kids and my parenting is going to be under scrutiny all night.

I don't think I can say anything helpful.
TBH, If it was my family I would probably either
A) leave all the kids at home and pointedly tell anyone who asked that you got the impression that they were very unwelcome; or
B) not go at all, citing the same reason.

Maybe that's childish , I know how painful it is to have your family harping on at you for a simply boisterous young child, though -- the seen but not heard thing seems to be expectation in some cultures, usually backed up by liberal use of corporal punishment.

Would it be possible to compromise?

It may be that your "nothing fancy" comment came across as "I wouldn't really think it worth making an effort for this party". It did sound a bit unnecessary tbh. WOuld it matter so much if their smart clothes did get dirty? Fwiw I come from Sweden, which is probably one of the most child orientated cultures of the world. Yet my 4yo nephew was smartly dressed at our wedding, he had a great time dancing and his parents just accepted that he would probably mess up his smart suit by the end of the evening. And tbh I probably would have felt a bit hurt at your "nothing fancy" comment. It does sound a bit like "of course my priorities are far more important than yours, don't expect me to put myself out". You can meet other people's needs at the same time as keeping your children happy. I wonder if you find this difficult because you have this very repressive experience from your own family and you are feeling a bit defensive already.

But this defensiveness may work both ways.
If you called a family meeting to discuss their lack of interest, your mum was probably already feeling very defensive.

Lots of families don't have a very frequent input. Until recently, we only saw my BIL and SIL about once a year, though my dcs are their only nephew and niece: they live a few hours drive from us and it is often not convenient. But since neither party has assumed that this was for any negative reason, we are still on excellent terms and I have always acted from the default position that they like us. If I really criticised them and accused them of not taking an interest, it might well be that I could push them into making negative comments about us. Most people do when they are being defensive. But that doesn't mean it has to happen.

Is there a way you could both let down your guard a bit and meet halfway?

One person's lively child is another person's little brat.

Tbh it does sound as if you allow your children to run riot and that because they are children people should just accept that. There can be middle ground - I don't expect my child to be seen and not heard, but I wouldn't expect him to run riot either.

Cory, the clothes comment wasn't as bad as it sounds. Mom was expecting me to put them in a shirt and tie, I felt that was over the top as it was an evening party not a wedding, I would be buying them some smart party clothes but you know what kids are like at party's anyway...skidding on knees etc.
My mother the only non-driver is the only one to consistantly take an interest, she's 80 and just last week forced herself to make the journey here. She doesn't see them as naughty, she's spent time with them so see's the full spectrum of their personalities.
Re the children?s behaviour I swear they are not naughty, they love to play are totally animated and energetic and have many interests, they don?t stamp on bugs, catch fences on fire, pull girls hair, they wouldn?t recognise a swear word if it was said to them. They?re always invited to hang out and be play dates etc.
I can?t help but take it personally, when my brothers children were small I used to take them on picnics, sleep over?s, day trips to the beach etc and it?s just a bitter pill to swallow when it?s not reciprocated.

I do understand and it must be very hard. Are you the only one with children and do they just have unrealistic expectations of what children are like? Or do they have children and if so, is there a difference in behaviour?

tbh I would have gone with the shirt and tie for the sake of keeping the family sweet: it wouldn't have hurt your dcs to skid across the floor in a shirt and tie. My nephew used to have to wear a bow tie to family gatherings until very recently- he is still a happy lively boy who is not in any way repressed.

It would probably also be good if you showed that you are willing to meet them halfway on the running around front: that you accept that this is suitable at some times, but that at other times they have to accept keeping quiet because it's adult time.

In my own large and extended and very liberal family, children are taken to all sorts of function, they are given plenty of opportunity to run around and have fun, but they also know that they don't do it during the speeches or at any other time when everybody is sitting still and listening. A 4yo is certainly not too young to learn that.

Compromise sounds good to me.