3.9 year old mixed race boy being 'racist' towards his black father...please help!

[Lucky2010]

I am posting on behalf of a good friend of mine who is not on MN . Our DCs are the same age.

She is white british and her DH is from Angulia (sp?), he is black. So obv their DS is mixed race. He is a lovely little boy.

I saw my friend last night and she is very upset because her DS has started saying he doesn't like daddy cos he has brown skin and how he wants to be white. He's also been quite negative about his black grandparents and very positive about his white grandparents. My friend is wondering if this is a normal phase in the development of mixed race children?

They live near London and the boy goes to a very multi-cultural nursery, but there have been some problems with other boys telling him he can go to the hairdressers and ask to be 'made white' (these kids are 3!!!).

Any help or advice gratefully received. I have to go to work now but will check in later.

Try telling him some stories from his dads country find a story book if you can. Get him really interested in the stories and then explain to him that he is the best of both worlds. In my experience kids love the stories from Africa (I think there are some on cbeebies) That way you are introducing him to positive images without forcing race down his throat.

We also go onto Youtube and have a look at where their daddy is from, listen to the music etc.

I think one of mine had a similar phase, and I made the " You are the best of both" my catchphrase - say it enough times and it will be internalised

thanks for that. My friend's DH's parents are in Anguila at the moment, and her DH and son were going to go out there, but now are not (not because of this issue though).

From what you have said, it might be a good idea if they could do it?

It might be,although it could backfire if its too hot or he misses his mum etc etc. I think he will grow out of it though, mine did and now all we get is Akon videos on youtube lol thats as much african culture as he gets!

Hi, I am mixed and so is my son. I remember from my own childhood, its difficult as there are so many subtle indicators in society and childhood that white is '"better". i.e. toys, games (mainly from eurocentric perspective. Also most young children will identify with the mother, more so if the dominant culture is shared with the mother. What worked for me was spending as much time with my father's family (black)learning more about the culture and traditions of Jamaica. When I was older travelling to JA and spending time where my father was born really helped me celebrate that part of my identity. Buy books, toys learn traditional nursery rhymes, and incorpreate this into his life alongside his other traditions. My friend's son is 4 yrs and she is white, she always ensures that she takes her son to a Black barber shop for his hair cuts, he loves this now, and likes to pick his afro hair products. All you can really do is promote the rich history and traditions of both cutlures, and tell him how lucky and special he is to have both heritages.

I have a (free) site set up precisely for the reasons above, more details available under mixed race in the charity thread.

I am going to start doing some colouring sheets for people to print and colour (specifically for mixed race kids) and also some stories, and pictures of mixed race celebrities as well.

If anyone wants to contribute stories or info please do the more the merrier!

Any ideas also welcomed

When I was training to be a nursery nurse this had arisen in one of the classes,this was not set up in any way but it couldnt have been better...

On the craft table were

myself
a very dark skinned boy
an asian boy
an asian girl
a chinese girl
an English child
and a jehovas witness following child.

My current observation was on race/religion/creed and culture.

However it was Easter time we were curling paper for a display of lambs when this conversation began

black boy- why do u call me a paki?
Asian boy- Are you from pakistan too?
Jehovas witness little girl- no hes shiny
English child- what difference does it make?

At this point I intervened and told them a story about how when God made the world he put people in every place so we could all live together and those in countries nearer the sun developed darker skin etc etc.....well this chat soon turned round and we began to talk about the differences,the children came to the conclusion that being different is good we are all the same inside with a heart and a mind but how we are on the outside makes people like or dislike us for different reasons.

The children then began thinking of things they liked about each other that made them different,the black boy was very strong and good at P.E and dance,the Asian boy was the best at drawing and could fasten shoelaces,The English child was a whiz at computers the chinese boy had brought in lots of cultural treats and pictures from chinese new year for the class to celebrate
The little girl who was a jehovas witness her Mum used to come in and sit with the witness children whilst the rest did assembly and if there were any poorly children they too would stay with her so it was decided she and her mummy had very kind hearts- then they said to me your special cos even though you are a grown up teacher you see how we think .

I truly do think it is how it approached and that phrases like mixedraceparent uses really will help a child celebrate the differences that make them special.

I agree with yuckymummy that unfornately there are lots of ways in which children come to believe that white is better or at least more of the norm. You have to try really hard to buy books, games, dolls etc that are not just white. I have still to see a non-white playmobil figure for example. You do have to work at bringing up a mixed race child I think, if you are the white one, as you have no idea what it is like to not be white.

Rather than celebrate my child's differences I have made sure that she knows other mixed race children who she can feel similar to and understand that there are lots and lots of people like her.

Im pretty sure there are mixed race playmobil.

Someone I know who has a mixed race dd has a plaque on her wall saying

You go red with anger
white with shock
green with envy
brown in the sun etc etc
and you say im the coloured one? I like that .

just an example

and another

Thank-you everyone, my friend has read the thread and found it very useful.

Thanks for taking time to reply.

oops kiddie kicked my pc srry if this posts twice. I think where there are racial tensions kids can't just be kids because you can't see their actual strengths. I think mixed race kids are also in between strong cultures and without a shared experience that is their own. My kids are happy with ALL colours.

For anyone who is interested I've added some coluoring sheets of mixed race people to the mixed race site (details in the charity thread) really for lucky but for anyone who would like to take advantage of them they are free. Stories to follow in the next few days, obviuosly our experience is African or Brafican as my kids call us lol. If anyone would like to add Jamaican or Asian or any stories please do visit.

mixedraceparents can you link to the site please?

Thanks

Also, we have lots of fisher price little people who are of various ethnic minorities, black, chinese, asian etc.

If you go to the classified section of this site and then charities it is there under mixed race parents etc. It's the second link as the name has changed. I'm not allowed to put it in here as it's deemed advertising but I hope you can find it from that.

Hey all, I too have a mixed race dd. White/british/irish and Black/jamaican/antiguan/chinese...

She is only 2 at the moment and so far hasnt come across anything like the OP's friends lil ds has...I find it really hard to think that 3 yr olds have views like this and how do they learn it...from thier parents etc...
My family isnt very diverse, my dp's is. My cousins who are young, when they first met dd, thier mum said to them that dds skin was brown and a mix of my colour and her dads...then that was it, no further questions asked by them, and they have never said anything about dds skin tone being different to thiers. Some children are more curious than others though arent they ??

I dont think I will struggle with showing dd that she has lots of different races within her and that she is beautiful, if I stay here in UK (which im not going to) I do fear she will come across racism at some point but I hope that I would have brought her up to be a strong minded young lady.

OP...what relationship does the lil boy have with his father?? Does his dad spend alot of time with him, taking him out to places that could inspire his culture/heritage? Places like art galleries that show african jewellery/pictures etc...I think it is important that the mother and father just continue to build on thier ds's self esteem in everything he does and not just with the colour of his skin.

I have this poem: tell me what you think?
Why Did You Make Me Black Lord .....
Lord .... Why did you make me black?
Why did you make someone the world would hold back?
Black is the color of dirty clothes,
of grimy hands and feet...
Black is the color of darkness,
of tired beaten streets...
Why did you give me thick lips,
a broad nose and kinky hair?
Why did you create someone
who receives the hated stare?
Black is the color of the bruised eye
when someone gets hurt...
Black is the color of darkness
black is the color of dirt.
Why is my bone structure so thick,
my hips and cheeks so high?
Why are my eyes brown,
and not the color of the sky?
Why do people think I'm useless?
How come I feel so used?
Why do people see my skin
and think I should be abused?
Lord, I just don't understand...
What is it about my skin?
Why is it some people want to hate me
and not know the person within?
Black is what people are "Labeled"
when others want to keep them away...
Black is the color of shadows cast...
Black is the end of the day.
Lord you know my own people mistreat me,
and you know this just ain't right...
They don't like my hair, they don't like my
skin, as they say I'm too dark or too light!
Lord, don't you think
it's time to make a change?
Why don't you redo creation
and make everyone the same?
God's Reply:
Why did I make you black? Why did I make you black?
I made you in the color of coal
from which beautiful diamonds are formed...
I made you in the color of oil,
the black gold which keeps people warm.
Your color is the same as the rich dark soil
that grows the food you need...
Your color is the same as the black stallion and
panther, Oh what majestic creatures indeed!
All colors of the heavenly rainbow
can be found throughout every nation...
When all these colors are blended,
you become my greatest creation!
Your hair is the texture of lamb's wool,
such a beautiful creature is he...
I am the shepherd who watches them,
I will ALWAYS watch over thee!
You are the color of the midnight sky,
I put star glitter in your eyes...
There's a beautiful smile hidden behind your pain...
That's why your cheeks are so high!
You are the color of dark clouds
from the hurricanes I create in September...
I made your lips so full and thick,
so when you kiss...they will remember!
Your stature is strong,
your bone structure thick to withstand the
burden of time...
The reflection you see in the mirror,
that image that looks back, that is MINE! So get off your knees,
look in the mirror and tell me what you see?
I didn't make you in the image of darkness...
I made you in the image of ME!

Chellesgirl thats great.