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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Anyone from Brunei, Singapore, Malaysia or married to anyone from the region?

145 replies

SweetFudge · 23/06/2005 14:37

Hi,

I'm Bruneian Chinese and have been living in the U.K. for over a decade bar annual and long visits home. Married here and am expecting first baby end of August. I've posted on and off on MN and I'm curious to see how many of us are from the region or married to/have partners from those countries. Of course, getting to know you all will be the bonus.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
oldnewmummy · 06/09/2006 01:27

Hi Journey 2

Would you mind telling us what the problem was with the first child-care centre, so we know what to look for when the time comes (no baby yet, adopting). And hints as to name?

Journey2 · 06/09/2006 08:40

Hi again,
Hope I don't forget to answer all the questions aimed at me!
My problem with the first place was during water play outdoors (by the classroom) the teacher went away to take some children to the bathroom so the assistant was left to look after the remaining children, no problem. That was until she wandered inside to another classroom. Who was left with the kids? Teacher/assistant wise.. no one. Ok, so I was there.. but to me that was not the point, if you work with kids you never leave them unattended like that and in a big paddling pool type thing. It doesn't take much water for a child to drown.
I then noticed the assistant seemed to have favourites and she wasn't very observant.. e.g children fighting behind her and then she would tell off the wrong child who started a scrawble.
The other thing was that some days the timetable was changed so lunch was ridiciously early just so that one international group of children could go and have their English lesson.
My main problem was with the water incident and yes when the Head asked why I wasn't enrolling my son anymore I told her! It was central based, so unless you're there no worries!
Here is a copy of what I wrote.. btw this appplies to any nursery/centre in any country, but it might have a few points you might not have thought of. Excuse typos going fast!

'Finally the day came when my son turned 2 and I thought that now was the time to send him off to Nursery. He needed more than Mummy and Mummy needed some respite! Had I been in the UK I was confident that I knew what to look for, after all I had worked with children of all ages in different settings for 9 years. I assumed finding a place in Singapore wouldn't be too difficult, how wrong my assumption was. The whole process of finding a centre was a headache and left me wanting to share my story, combined with some useful tips to consider from the view of a qualified Nursery Nurse.

  • International centres were ruled out due to cost and distance. This left me with "going local". I took a look at the website www.childcarelink.gov.sg which lists registered centres. I then called the centres which are reasonably close to where I live. Centres who did not answer my calls or return my messages were immediately crossed off the list.

  • It is worth visiting a selection of nurseries as every one differs. Take your child along. Do the staff make you and your child feel welcome?

  • On arrival, note the premises. Are they clean, safe and well maintained? This includes the toilets/bathrooms. If your child is in nappies, what do they say about this? All nurseries I visted stressed that they would take the lead from the parents.

  • Is the Nursery well organised? Is it busy or calm? Do not ever be afraid to make a second visit. You know your child best. Look at the daily routine. Are there enough opportunities for creative or pretend play, for example sand/water time and a play corner? Do the children have a choice to explore and investigate? What about physical play? How important is that your child has the opportunity to use up energy outside? Is an outdoor are larger than an area to house sand and water available? Location is also important. I have a friend with an asthmatic child who wishes she had paid more attention to the centre being so close to such a busy road, as his asthma is easily triggered.

  • How are meal times managed? Is the menu varied and nutritious? My son's present nursery told e they have lunch at 11.30am and if this was too early or he didn't eat the local menu (he loved it!) then I was welcome to pack a snack or packed lunch for him.

  • What is the policy on behaviour management? Give an example: if a child hits my child or my child bites another what would you do? How are accidents and complaints handled? Don't be surprised to hear "we don't use corporal punishment" It took me by surprise! I had taken it for granted that they wouldn't!

  • What about other children? Do they seem happy? Is nationality important to you? Do you seek a good mixture of nationalities/cultures within your child's class?

Generally, nurseries are very good at giving information regarding staff rations and qualifications but do not feel afraid to ASK. If your child has special needs, how will they be met? If you are looking at full time session, where will your child rest? How will you know your child is progressing? Will there be written reports or are the staff happy to chat with you at pick up times?
Many local centres cover Mandarin, how do you feel about that? One nursery I visited had certain days for certain activities in the morning. Parents could choose whether or not to involve their child in Chinese if opting for part time. Our son enjoyed singing in Mandarin.
Now for my favourite question (which flusters most staff in Eeuropean nurseries, but not here, from my experience) ask about staff turnover. Children need to develop relationships and this is easier when staff turnover is low. In centres where management support their staff and on going training is provided, staff loyalty can be found.
Eventually, I had it narrowed down to two choices. I initially had reservations about the one I particularly liked as it had the word Monterssori tagged with it. My experience of the Montessori is limited to the UK where the common perception of Montessori is that it involves less creative play, which is not what I wanted for my son. I opted for the other choice.
So, off we went to the other nursery. Here, the procedure for setlting in new children was my saviour. Many centres run a trial period where you accompany your child for a few sessions or hours and they go it alone. All was well until the second session. I noticed thing likes the assistant preferred to speak in Chinese, despite an "English as first language" policy. Though the teacher was fantastic, the assistant concerned me. I felt she had a job but not a job she had her heart in. The last straw concerned an issue of safety and so withdrew my son immediately.
I then returned to the montessori centre. The staff were very welcoming to someone who had just appeared out of the blue. I asked more about the montessori method and voiced my concerns. The staff put me straight. They integrate the method but do not use it fully. If you are after Montessori this is worth bearing in mind too. There were opportunities to be creative and socialisation skills are encouraged. I decided to enrol my son there and he settled well.
My final dilemma concerned the BCG shot. Local children usually receive the shot at birth but my son had not been immunised in the UK. Not all nurseries ask, but should they ask you to have them vaccinated with his shot and you do not wish to do so at this stage, your Doctor will write a letter that the nursery should accept.
Confirmation that I made the right choice came when after we had made an unexpected trip to the UK for a month. On his return to the centre, he rushed up to his teacher and kissed her!

Well, there you have it.. hope you get something from it?

It is so good when you find a centre that work with you. For example a local friend of mine had me worried because my son is left handed or was showing signs of. He told me Singaporeans teach children to right right handed due to the chinese characters which I didn't want, at the same time I needed to check this out. His teachers were very reaassuring they would not train him to.. as it goes the teacher was left handed!

Brentwood - I used to go to school there! Lived in Ingatestone and travelled. I am still in touch with an old school friend living there!

Hope all are awake with my looong post!!!

tootsieroll · 06/09/2006 10:13

Journey2,
That was very interesting! I had thought of some things myself, but clearly not as much as that! I go back to work when DS is 8 1/2 months old - I've chosen the nursery at work simply because of location, and because 2 other colleagues have their children there and have given good reviews. I suppose I didn't have an entire checklist when I visited the place, but it just gave me good 'vibes' - I don't know how accurate one's instincts can be in choosing nurseries!

Ah, we're actually about to move to Ingatestone in about a month's time! As much as I like the new house, I just think being in Hutton is so much more convenient! Just being nosey, where did you go to school?

Journey2 · 06/09/2006 12:17

Hi Tootsieroll,
Went to St Helen's infant and primary school and the Catholic girls school.. enough said
That's interesting you should be moving to Ingatestone!
Last time I revisited, 9-10 yrs ago, the second house we had lived in, the street seemed to have got a bit posh compared to when we were there!
Lots of memories attached there!

tootsieroll · 06/09/2006 12:49

Journey2,
Ingatestone remains affluent, and like most of Brentwood, strongly in the blue party We actually go to Brentwood Cathedral for mass, and if we had a girl, probably would have put her in the Ursuline convent (still is a good school)

Rojak · 06/09/2006 16:49

Journey2 - thanks for that. It's certainly useful. How long did you stay in Singapore?

Tootsieroll, if we end up in the East Coast, it should be fairly easy to meet up then! It's quite likely we will end up on the east as we don't really want much of a commute for DH. We are quite spoilt living in Belfast as we have no commutes and a fairly laid back lifestyle.

My parents are delighted that we are going to be so much closer and everyone around us in Belfast thinks I am must be delighted to be heading back to Asia but truth be told, I'm a little anxious and apprehensive as I've just got so content living our little life here.

Journey2 · 06/09/2006 22:52

Rojak - just over 2 yrs.
Oh yes that famous expat board! It can be very addictive at times
Good for finding out info at times (despite the odd balls who post! and did find a number of good friends through it which was nice.

Tootsieroll - Does the Ursuline still have the yucky deck chair type blazers!!.. hope the poor girls aren't required to wear brown underwear these days.. scary having inspections I can tell you

oldnewmummy · 07/09/2006 02:04

Thanks Journey 2. Very helpful.

tootsieroll · 07/09/2006 10:18

Journey2,
Yep, purple stripy blazers. Didn't know about the brown underwear and the need for inspections!! I went to a Catholic girls' school in Singapore, and we were constantly told off about our attire, and there were regular inspections of our lockers. Not that I minded, since I was one of the draconian prefects

I find the expat forum rather entertaining at times - the oddballs are just on their own planet. The constant reference to the airport for people who disagree is hilarious

Rojak · 07/09/2006 12:56

Yes - that "If you don't like it, Changi is only 20 mins away" line seems to get used a lot!

I went to a Catholic girls school in Malaysia and we had inspections to ensure we were wearing a petticoat / slip!!! It sounds so dreadfully old fashioned now!

Then I went to a boarding school in Belfast which was famous for all the girls shortening their skirts to bum-skimming length. The French matron used to march girls into her office to get them to let them hems down!

BTW Tootsieroll, I think most of the malls in Spore are fairly good with providing baby changing facilities (failing which, walk into nearest hotel!)

Journey2 - did you go the meetups organised on the expat board? Is that how you met people on the board?

tootsieroll · 07/09/2006 16:33

Rojak,
That's hilarious! I know, considering the girls here are constantly trying to turn their skirts into microminis, and I had to keep my pinafore to knee length How did you end up in boarding school in Belfast, of all places? I assume that's where you met DH? Are there many Malaysians in NI?

Rojak · 07/09/2006 16:51

School I went to had a good reputation among Malaysian families - it's still quite popular with international boarders today.

I met DH at uni. What about you?

Journey2 · 08/09/2006 07:54

Rojak - No I didn't go to organised meet ups. (Though I did the coffee morning a couple of times).
More of a case of replying to one or two people who had posted wanting to meet more people.
Thinking of examples: Not long after we arrived one family had an open invite for other families to a BBQ. Sounds a bit weird just going to a BBQ of a complete stranger but as it goes there was another family there we really got one well with which led to a lasting friendship. Went on holiday twice with them!
I posted looking for a bored Swede, I wanted to practice my Swedish before I completely lost what I knew, as it goes gained a really good friend I never spoke a jot of Swedish too.. haha.
One lady posted feeling like billy no mates, it was quite a miserable post and she was rather embarrassed about if afterwards, but she was really fed up and wanted to meet more people!
Another lady was a Singaporean who had moved back with her family but was finding it really hard, because her Singaporean friends had moved on, yet she didn't really fit expat as such and again she wanted to meet new people.
Must say it probably sounds really odd, getting to know people like this, but guess I was just open to posts where if I had a gut feeling I could relate to said post then it was worth checking out.. as it goes these people became really good friends, so am not complaining!
Just before I left a friend who has been in Singapore for ages was finding her friends were moving out of the country all at once almost and she was concerned about making new friends.. so I told her as she was pregnant to give the board a go, she had never looked at it (what a rarity!) and recently I heard from her saying she had met up with a couple of other pregnant ladies and they had been really nice and their husbands had met hers etc.
A friend and I posted to see if anyone else wanted to join us for Malay lessons, no one took us up on it, but we went ahead much to our shock.. I say shock because the teacher at the community centre taught us really rude things to say.. our Malay friends could not believe the things we had been taught till I showed him my notebook.. he was well embarrassed!
Of course it is just as easy to get to know people without that board, but it did help at times!

Rojak · 08/09/2006 11:52

Journey2 - that's good to hear. I dread leaving a really good circle of friends I've made - we all have kids the same age who play well together.

I'm dreading the thought of having to go and try and "make friends" again in my mid-30s. I'm sure you know what I mean.

I'm trying to think of rude Malays words but I can't - because Malay's one of those languages that doesn't seem to have many rude words (ok I can think of one... but it could be used in Chinese as well!)

Journey2 · 08/09/2006 13:54

I think Rojak you'll be fine!
People are always looking to make friends with others unlike where I am in the UK, where everyone has their circle of friends and are not so welcoming to newcomers I don't have 5 heads, I think I am kind of normal!!
Actually that's true about the rude words in Malay, I'm not sure if the one beginning with B applies in Chinese or not.. but it was other things like, second lesson learning how to ask if someone is a virgin.. I kid you not! I mean second lesson of all things.. I would have that down to super dooper advanced
My friend who I went classes with her husband is Malay made her swear never to say half of what we covered in front of his family.. chuckle chuckle!!

Rojak · 08/09/2006 16:25

at asking if someone's a virgin!!! I had at least 10 years worth of Malay lessons and don't think I know the word for virgin!

Yes know what you mean about everybody having a ready-made circle in the UK. It took me a little while when we moved back to the UK from the US about 8 years ago but I found having the kids really helped with meeting people.

Are you back for good then?

Beetle73 · 08/09/2006 16:32

How exciting. Hadn't noticed this before. I'm half Malaysian Indian. Father's family is in Malacca & KL. Spent many childhood holidays in Malacca and on Pulau Besar (which I think is now a flash casino resort), in the Straits. Have since travelled around most of the country, including a bit of East Malaysia. Sadly haven't been back since Jan 04, but I long for it, and long to take my DD over there.
This thread making my mouth water.

Rojak · 08/09/2006 16:55

Hello Beetle73

Malacca is lovely! All those narrow streets with little shophouses.

Not sure where Pulau Besar is though - thought there was only one casino in Malaysia in Genting Highlands (which is just horrid and tacky!)

Beetle73 · 08/09/2006 17:04

I know. I love Malacca. But then I love most of Malaysia.
Pulau Besar was what my family always called it, but perhaps that was just their name for it - I mean, Big Island is hardly unusual, is it? We used to go there by boat from Malacca, and there was just one big hut on the island. The hut had two halves, and a shared bathroom. Whoever was in there had to lock the other side's door, and the well in there was so big and deep, I was terrified of it.
This was nearly 20 years ago, and last I'd heard, the island had been developed. Back in those days we also went up to Cameron & Genting - remember my mother grandmother creeping across the rope bridges in utter terror.

tootsieroll · 08/09/2006 17:51

I just love the tackiness of Genting Highlands We tend to go there whenever I'm back in Singapore, just for a few days of doing absolutely nothing, and the weather is cooler. I also go to the casino with my dad - we have a favourite jackpot machine there, and go back just to have a play

Rojak,
How long are you in Singapore for?

Friends - it gets harder once you're out of school/university. Everyone seems to have their own lives to lead, and even with the best of intentions, people tend to get out of touch. I have to agree it gets easier with children, strangely enough - I joined an antenatal class, and 7 months on, the girls are still meeting up, which is really nice and gives us all something to do other than changing nappies and cooking dinner

Journey2 · 10/09/2006 07:34

Looks like it.
When we were out there the company my husband was with a section got bought by another company and some staff got transfered with it. That company then wanted us back in the UK.
Yet to find out long term what their plans are to do with him but at the moment looks like we are stuck here!

822tinkerbell · 11/09/2006 16:38

hi girls !! so glad i found this website, and even greater i found this thread. When i was reading all your posting, i found myself so emotional and about to burst into tears! i am new to this website, been in UK for 5 years, a mommy of a beautiful little girl of 16 mths, just came back from M'sia/S'pore 2 wks ago visiting my family. Still missing home like mad. Found myself in tears driving to work every morning the first week. Pray every night hubby gets a transfer to S'pore. I am from Senai, a Cantonese(dad)/Hakka(mom) and currently living in Northeast UK - Cleveland. Anyone of you from here ? Oh ! how i missed the food back home. The nearest asian foodstore is nearly an hour away from me in Newscastle so it is hard to get the proper ingredients to cook good nasi lemak let alone rendang. When i was in JB those 2 weeks, i ate so much ( at least 5 times a day - and good thing we asian girls are small anyway!!) my hubby was horrified. He has never seen me eating so much he said it was plain greedy ... i just laughed at him ! oh it is so nice to hear things about Spore and malaysia again ... can't wait to speak to you girls soon !!

Rojak · 12/09/2006 12:42

Sorry - was laid low with a cold yesterday and never got round to responding.

Welcome tinkerbell!

Tootsieroll - no idea how long we will be in Spore for. DH's job is not for a contracted period but we've agreed that if we absolutely hate it, we will be back after 2 years, otherwise we will try and stay till it's time for DS to go to secondary school.

I haven't been to Genting Highlands in years so perhaps my comments about it being "tacky" are a bit out of date.

I have heard though that Singapore is building a huge big casino of its own?

Tinkerbell - there's someone else from Johor on this website - think Fez is from Johor but haven't seen her around for a while.

I am not a "small" Asian girl (UK size 10 while most of the other Chinese girls I know are like a 6!!!) - my Irish friends laugh here when I tell them that I need to buy "large" when I'm back home. Personally I blame it on all the potato here (and not on the fact that I'm too lazy to go to a gym!) .

tootsieroll · 12/09/2006 15:04

Tinkerbell,
Welcome! Yep, know exactly what you mean. I haven't burst into tears yet, but sure miss the food! Wow, are you the nominal asian person in Cleveland? I know Newcastle has a Chinatown which isn't too bad - I went there for CNY 3 years ago, and it was bustling with activity. I'm in Essex. I'm going to attempt Lor Arp (braised duck) tonight, found a duck going cheap in sainsbury

Rojak,
DS has been down with a sniffly nose the past 2 days, and now I have a slight sore throat. Not too worried about myself, but feel quite helpless when the baby is all bunged up and trying to breathe through snot infested nostrils through the night. Makes it difficult to breathe while breastfeeding! Hope you enjoy the stay in SEAsia. I always enjoy going back, but somehow, although I still call Singapore 'home', in a way, am always ready to go back to UK after my holiday. It's really strange. Pros and cons to each place I suppose

822tinkerbell · 12/09/2006 15:39

hi girls ! thanks for replying. thought i'll post a quick reply though i am at work!

Rojak ( just the thought makes my mouth-watering) are you currently in S'pore now? i am sure you will love it. i absolutely love the shopping there. Well, i was born a S'porean and used to work there for a few years before deciding packing it and moved back home to Johor. Well, S'pore is only 40 mins from my house, nearer than me going to newscastle at the moment ! I love S'pore, used to be my partying ground before i was married ! but i have to say my happiest moment was spending the day at the Mandai Zoo with hubby & DD on our holiday. BTW, totally agree with you... Genting Highlands was, is and will forever be tacky. We wanted to go but my family totally opposed it - yep tacky and wasting money ! Unless you like to gamble that will be a different story.

Tootsieroll, how did your lor arp turned out ??? do you have the recipe to Peking Roast Duck ?? gosh, i am missing home so much more now.... well, i know there are a few m'sians here but are meeting them twice, they never call me anymore. Put it that way, i am not christian and not a churchgoer and i can't get my hubby to attend their BBQ when they invited us. We were in our twenties then and they were in their 40s-50s so hubby was a bit reluctant to go with me ended up i never got invited anymore. i always thought it must be me but i really get along well with my colleagues, neighbours and i do have a lot of friends here just not the asians. In my town, the only asians are the pakistani, indians, filipinos & thais. Well, i know a lot of the latter but same stories, found out from this beautiful thai girl my age that she was attending a BBQ hosted by a filipino lady but she wants to keep it between the thais & Filipinos so i was not supposed to know either. And most of their husbands are pensioners so again hubby will not be interested at all. He has his own friends he grew up with so i can understand in a way. I don't think i am a bad person so where are all the SE Asians ? I don't care anymore. i used to stress about it but i am happy here as i have a wonderful hubby & DD, a lovely cat, a great job !! BUT I AM MISSINTG HOME SO MUCH !
Can i ask if you girls are full time housewives ??