Any Asians (or others) living with in-laws?

[SilverSixpence]

hi, i am Asian (Bengali) and currently live with my MIL, DH and DS. My MIL's father also lives with us part of the time, although he's been going to bangladesh quite a lot lately. DH's sisters also come and stay quite often, one is in university halls and the other lives on the other side of London and stays for several days at a time when she comes.

basically, my in-laws have been divorced for many years, and the expectation is that my DH will continue to live with his mum, pretty much forever. I have not been brought up in a cultural/traditional way, and although i did say at the time of marriage that i was not keen on doing this, i didn't push the issue. DH and I are very happy together and have a beautiful little boy. My MIL is also a lovely person, well-educated and working as a professional.

even so, i really don't like living like this, i feel like i have had my choices in life taken from me, from where to live to how I live. i ahve to think twice before i invite anyone to stay or visit (even my family), as MIL feels like she has to do the whole Asian cooking thing and it's too much work for her as she's not in the best health. i also find it stressful that she always seems to observe my parenting, i feel like i'm constantly under supervision or something! as DH owns the house and pays the mortgage, we can't really afford to pay rent elsewhere, and there is also the guilt of leaving her alone. despite everyone in the family being v educated etc, it's still not the done thing culturally for people to leave their parents alone. i think it would be different if she had been married, but that's her choice. the other thing that is frustrating about the situation is that one of my sister-in-laws (the one at university) could easily live at home with her instead of on campus as she would only have a 20 minute commute but she isnt willing to do that.

can anyone offer any support or advice or experience? i cant really discuss it with DH much, as he knows how i feel already and don't want to go on about it.

hmm... tbh, this sounds like one of the best live with in law situations i have ever heard off...
a few clarifications. do you live with your mil, or does she live with you? try to clarify that in your head, as it is very important, imo.
does the whole asian cooking thing have tobe done? if so, who is the one expecting it? you, her or your dh? or is it her df who expects it? if its feasible for one person to do so, then fine, if not, then make a joint decision not to do so....
as for your sil living with her, that is unlikely to happen.. for starters, uni is only temporary, three years, and its over. i doubt your mil, or the sil would want it, and i dont see how you can force it, without becoming the wicked dil.
instead of thinking that she observes your parenting, why not try and make use of the extra adult in the house? then you can go to tthe toilet without nedding to take him with you, etc.
not sure if i am any help at all, but, to me, your situation sounds completely lovely.

she lives with us, i def have thought about this and think it will be better long term if she lives with us. that is the plan anyway. we kind of share the cooking on a day to day basis, and its nothing too hard, just rice + chicken/meat and veg. i dont have any complaints about that side of things.

my sil was living with us up to about 18 months ago, and officially still does e.g. on holidays/weekends. its not the standard going to uni thing as she is nearly 30 and is doing her second undergrad degree. i agree that this wouldnt be something to expect ordinarily, and as she will hopefully get married soon (which is what she would like) it's only really a temporary thing.

so i get the impression ur saying that I shouldnt complain and should just be happy that things aren't worse? i know that i am lucky in lots of ways, but the lack of privacy and autonomy are just frustrating, i'm only 25 and its a bit depressing to think that this is the rest of my life!

six, the trouble with asking on a public forum like this, is that you will get people who will be replying accordingto their own experiences. not because they have any actual qualifications on human relationships.
from my experience with bengali inlaws, yours sounds like a dream. i am also older than you are and perhaps it is my age, but, from my experience, i feel, why rock the boat when it isnt athat bad? the potential for it to become worse is much greater than the potential for it to get better.
but i am a cynical oldie, who has made a mess of things..... perhaps someone else will come along with different advice.

hi thanks, i think it is just that it is not in my personal expectations to live with my in-laws, regardless of whether i am bengali myself or not. If DH had married an Arab or an English girl, they would probably have accepted that his wife wouldn't live with the rest of the family and just work things out around that, but because we're both bengali it's just expected that we should go along with it. I know that I'm not in an intolerable situation, which in a way is harder because if she was actually the stereotypical evil MIL there would be no question of me staying with her

I dont know whether I will actually do anything about the situation, i probably just need to talk about it. I think i also resent the fact that her generation (and my mother's) never had to do any of this, because they emigrated to the UK, so they have no appreciation of how difficult it can be (although my mum does say she wouldn't have been able do it ).

I feel your pain -@SilverSixPence, though I have come late in the day!

Silver I totally understand I lived with my in laws and hated it so we moved. If that's definitely not a possibility as someone else said make the most of another adult. Join a club/ start a hobby? Sorry I'm not much help but I do understand

Just realised how old this thread is!

@SilverSixpence

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/multicultural_families/3663467-Asian-bengali-Marriage