dd hasn't met her Greek/Iranian dad yet as he is stuck in Iran.

[poshsinglemum]

I am White/British,agnostic. dd's father is Greek/Iranian, protestant. He has a Greek father and most of family are based in Athens. His late mum is Iranian. We had only been together 6 months when I fell pregnant with dd. Not ideal in any of our cultures but I decided to keep dd despite his pleas to have an abortion. Dp did not tell his family because of the shame which hurt but I could kind of understand from a cultural point of view. I also felt that it could be because he didn't want responsibilty.
I knew his grandad had been ill before my pregnancy but a month into my pregnancy he died. His dad went into deep grieving and went nuts. Ended up in hopsital in Greece. DP spent much of my pregnancy going to visit his dad but I suspect he couldn't handle my pregnancy and was trying to escape.He didn't tell his family about pregnancy still becasause he thought it might make his dad ill. Whatever, I thought. hmmm.
He did start to come round a bit.
Just when he came round completely, his dad went nuts agin and went to Iran, expecting the rest of his family to follow him. To my horror, dp went saying that he could not let his dad down. I was 7 months pregnant and was so frustrated as if dp told teh truth his family would expect him to look after me. I know in his culture if your parents say 'jump' you jump but that was ridiculous. I felt that he just wanted to run away.
Now he is stuck in Iran due to passport complications.It has expired and he's not allowed a new one. I feel he is telling the truth. He is desperate to see dd and ha sseen photos. He thinks she is georgeous. His family now know and they are delighted. The authorities don't recognise his dual nationality and won't let him out of Iran. He tried escaping from Iran but was caught and put in prison for a month. Now the authorities have told him not to bother them again. We are distraught and i feel he will never see his dd.
Is this normal in Iran-is it really so hard for Iranian s to leave? (apparently his family are persecuted out there because of his christianity.)
Also I cannot understand why he didn't stand up to his dad? Why did he go when he knew he would loose everything? Is unplanned pregnancy really so shameful in such cultures? Are the kids really expected to do whatever is asked of tehm even when they are 30 years old?
can I deal with this in the long term as I know taht I will always come last in dp's prioities?
Most importantly, how can I help him get out of Iran so he can see dd? Have tried Iranian embassy in London but they never answer the phone or phone back.
Am I being naive? Does he just want out? I do believe he wants to see us as he calls nbut no e-mail. Is the internet censored in Iran?

Help, gutted.
Is this normal in Iran-is it raelly

What a mess.
You are dealing with a completely alien culture and way of doing things. You will never fully understand it.Just don't, whatever you do, go to Iran to see him as your dd could be taken from you and you could do nothing with it.

Oh and read Not without my daughter

I am sorry for your situation, but I think in your place I would just get on with things, and enjoy your daughter.

If he comes back, he has some serious making up for lost time to do

A lot of questions there, psm.
I might be able to help but I am a bit confused:

Which culture are you dealing with here - Iranian or Greek?

I assume you and your dd are in Athens, correct?
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR IRAN.
You two are not married, are you? That's a problem in Iran.
You will make his case a hell of a lot more complicated if you rock up in Tehran
with his child born out of wedlock..
It will not help him AT ALL.

As far as I am aware anything is possible in Iran -
if you know the right people and pay them the right amounts.
He needs to work out how the system works and play it.

Send him lots love and encouragement plus pictures of his daughter.
That's the maximum you can do for him.

You don't say it, but are you thinking of marrying him so he may get British citizenship? Think it's about 3 years before a married 'alien' is entitled, so don't think a marriage will solve his (nationality) problems...

Hi people. Thanks for the replies.

moondog- I have no intention of ever going to Iran or letting dd go anywhere near there. It holds no appeal for me.

hi caz- That's jusy what i've been doing. Am loving being a mum! To be honest i think that our relationship has no future as he treated me like shit whilst pregnant. Am quite happy alone. It's not so much about my relationship with him but dd's relationship that i am worried about.

daddyj- I think that I am dealing with both cultures but especially the Iranian culture. When I first met dp he told me he was Greek but his late mum was Persian. I didn't even know where Persia was-duh! I then realsied that he spent a lot of time watching Persian Tv such as the pop music channels. I think that he clings to the culture as he misses his dead mum but he always says how much he hates the goverment in Iran and Islam in general. I think that as a Christian he will be persecuted in Iran.
Tbh I think taht the Iranian culture bothers me far more than teh Greek culture. I would happily holiday in Greece. Not iran.
Alarm bells started ringing as I sensed that our cultures might be incompatible. I am quite an independant, non-religious, liberal young lady. I was mostly concerned about how he would treat me as a woman and I was concerned that he might be using me for a passport etc.
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt a she did seem genuinely sweet and a lot less sexist than some British men I have known. I did point out my concerns about our cultures and he seemed quite upset.
I think that the first major obstacle occured when I fell pregnant. He said that he would leave me if I didn't get an abortion. Nice. I think that he expected me to cave in a single mum in Greece or Iran gets worse treatment than in England.
I think that he was quite taken aback when I decided to go it alone an dcouldn't cope.

I have been sending him love and encouragement but also quite a lot of grief as I am so hurt by how he treated me whilst pregnant. He says that he's genuinely sorry and he dosn't blame me for being mad. I am so confused and don't know what to believe.
I believe he went to Iran as it was a convenient excuse of escaping responsibilty but now he is genuinely gutted he's missed dd's first 6 months.

The irony of it is quite astounding.

Also- I think I am going to look into how I can prevent him from taking dd to Iran or out of the country without him. I can stop him from England but not Greece.

BTW- I am not in Athens but in Somerset, England living with my parents. Whilst pregnant he told me to move back with them as he couldn't handle the responsibility of moving in with me. Not a keeper even if he does come back is he?!

Wow, your dd certainly has a colourful Dad!

Given that he is such a mish-mash of different cultures
(I presume he spent a long time in England as well?)
it's fairly difficult to link his behaviour to his ethnic background.

Have you ever met his family and closest friends?
You are more likely to find the answers to your questions there.

Iran like China and Saudi heavily censors Internet access
but he should be able to send emails.

You say your DD's father is half Greek and half Iranian and thus I presume he is entitled to Greek nationality as well as Iranian. If so, he is not using you as a means to remain in or gain entry to the UK because as a Greek, he is entitled to live and work here anyway.

I became pregnant early on in my relationship with DP who's from West Africa. He had cold feet at first and our relationship suffered accordingly. But 5 years on, we're fine and have had our second child.

If your DP is stuck in Iran, I would advise that he seeks assistance from the Greek embassy in Iran (if one exists). If there is no embassy, there will be an office or a person who represents Greek people in Iran who may offer advice or assistance. He is probably right in saying that he faces persecution as a Christian. Has he got a lawyer to help him?

Hi again folks and thanks once again for your replies.
I think that he does need to go to the Greek embassy. I will suggest that to him. I hate to say this but he dosn't always think outside of the box but at least he tried escaping which shows that he at least has some initiative.
The most heartbreaking thing about all this is that I love him dearly and really want to save our relationship despite the way he treated me but now he has come round and is being loving etc aand enthusiastic about dd we can't even be together. Cruel irony. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.
I also worry about him deeply being there. I often put on bravado by saying I don't care and I'm fine but I do and I'm not.
I think that my pregnancy happened too fast for us so I alternate between being forgiving and being angry. So confused.

hi again

to answer your question daddyj i havn't met his family as they were all in Greece whilst we were in gb. that's one reason he was so frightened of being pregnant sand i do see his point. he has lots of persian friends in england so ive asked him to get them to lobby the persian embassy in london. i will try everything

Good luck, psm!

And congrats on your lo

Can I just repeat what's been said about not going to Iran,ever and also read as moondog said "Not without my daughter".

I can only echo Moondog's sentiments.

Do not even contemplate trying to go to Iran. I have an Iranian Mummy friend at DD's school, married to a Frenchman in a totally bona fide way. Her parents and grown-up siblings are all in France too, in a bona fide way. None of them even contemplates visiting Iran for fear of what might become them.

The Greek Embassy in Iran cannot help your DP if he is indeed a dual citizen of Greece and Iran, as Iranian law will prevail in those circumstances.

Does your daughter have a British birth certificate and only a British birth certificate? Is her father's name on her birth certificate?

I cannot believe that he has done this to himself. He knew how dangerous the situation is out there and in his words 'he has lost everything' I can't get over how stupid shortsighted he's been.

I am gutted on his behalf. I think that he is genuinely sorry for going there. His brother joined them in Iran(Most of the family went it would seem) His brother has a wife and kid in Greece and he can't see them either. So many families torn apart. Why they didn't say 'look dad, we just can't risk our lives like this- just get your wife to come out'? I think he has a real hold on his children and they will drop everything for him which is sweet until the demands get too unreasonable.

Anyway HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone.