Advice please

[LuciaRose]

Hello

My boyfriend is British Indian (black hair, dark brown eyes, brown skin) and I am white (blonde hair, blue eyes, rosy skin). I am wondering what our children will look like. I realise the Indian genes are stronger than mine, but I am hoping that some of my genes will come through. I would like to be able to recognise some of myself in my children.

I'm not sure how I will feel about having a baby that is a different race from me. I have to admit I am nervous about standing out as a family, and that my children may not have the freedom and opportunities I've had, due to the racism they might face.

I would be really grateful if you could share your experiences, whether you've had any of these concerns and how things have turned out ? better or worse than you imagined.

Best wishes,
Lucia

have a look at my piccies. My younger two are mixed race.

You really can't say what your children will look like. One of mine looks indian and I really wouldn't excpect anyone who doesn't know him to recognise that he isn't 100% indian. The other has a beuatiful tanned complexion and dark eyes and def looks mixed race. Neither of them particularly look like me though, but then even my older children, who are white don't look like me!

I can't say I have faced any problems with my dts because of their race. I think we do live in a more educated society now and it isn't such a big problem as it might have been in the past. I think I get more problems myself and have encountered racist attitudes because I am with a partner who isn't white.

I personally feel that I've gained a lot being in a mixed race rel;ationship, I've learned so much about a culture that I didn't grow up with. It isn't always easy, and you will no doubt sometimes encounter negative attitudes. It shouldn't stop you from being with domebody that you love and have a good relationship with though.

I think it depends where you live.

Dh (of Indian origin) and I (White British) live in London. I have never ever (touch wood) encountered a racist comment or knowingly received a dirty look even!

And I'm not that thick skinned so I think I'd have spotted it.

I know really quite a lot of mixed Indian/ White British families now and I don't think any of them are having problems. That said all of the Indian partners in the relationship are very integrated and that means there is less scope for a clash of cultures or religious issues iyswim.

The children from these relationships range from those who look pretty much 100% Indian to those who look 100% 'white'.

Most of them don't have black hair which surprised me as I too though that the Indian parent's darker colouring would dominate.

My ds for example, has gorgeous light olive skin - he looks French or Spanish - with lightish brown eyes and mid brown hair which gets blondey golden highlights in the sun!
No-one assumes he is anything but European when he and I are out together. I think once when he was a baby someone asked if his dad was from 'somewhere else' . But that's been it. We look like a white mother and white son tbh. But at the same time he looks enough like his dad and has olive enough colouring that DH has never been questioned about whether ds is his when they are alone together.
I find it very unlikely that ds will be subject to racism as looking at him you wouldn't know his background anyway. Meanwhile who's to say that even if your children looked very Indian that they'd be subject to any racism anyway?

I'm a little concerned by your concern. I never ever think of Dh as a different race to me even though he is. I definitely don't think of ds as any different. We're just all a family and it doesn't really figure day to day.
It's good that you are considering this but why is it such a big issue that concerns you so much that your children would be of a different race?

I think it depends where you live.

Dh (of Indian origin) and I (White British) live in London. I have never ever (touch wood) encountered a racist comment or knowingly received a dirty look even!

And I'm not that thick skinned so I think I'd have spotted it.

I know really quite a lot of mixed Indian/ White British families now and I don't think any of them are having problems. That said all of the Indian partners in the relationship are very integrated and that means there is less scope for a clash of cultures or religious issues iyswim.

The children from these relationships range from those who look pretty much 100% Indian to those who look 100% 'white'.

Most of them don't have black hair which surprised me as I too though that the Indian parent's darker colouring would dominate.

My ds for example, has gorgeous light olive skin - he looks French or Spanish - with lightish brown eyes and mid brown hair which gets blondey golden highlights in the sun!
No-one assumes he is anything but European when he and I are out together. I think once when he was a baby someone asked if his dad was from 'somewhere else' . But that's been it. We look like a white mother and white son tbh. But at the same time he looks enough like his dad and has olive enough colouring that DH has never been questioned about whether ds is his when they are alone together.
I find it very unlikely that ds will be subject to racism as looking at him you wouldn't know his background anyway. Meanwhile who's to say that even if your children looked very Indian that they'd be subject to any racism anyway?

I'm a little concerned by your concern. I never ever think of Dh as a different race to me even though he is. I definitely don't think of ds as any different. We're just all a family and it doesn't really figure day to day.
It's good that you are considering this but why is it such a big issue that concerns you so much that your children would be of a different race?

My DP is black, I'm white. DS1 is very dark skinned and I've been asked if he's adopted before now! However, facially he looks very much like his Grandad (my Dad) to the point that someone who knew DS1 but not my Dad was able to pick out my Dad due to his resemblance to DS1 iyswim.

However, DS2 is not much darker than I am but facially, looks like DP.

I agree that it all depends where you live with regard to whether you stand out or not. If you live in any major UK city, then you are unlikely to stand out in any way. i suppose my family stands out in that we live in a smallish town where the predominant race is white but there are other mixed race families and other black and Asian families so it's not like people point us out in the street or anything!

I think you are worrying unduly. Yes, I'm sure racism exists, but there's no point dwelling on it or looking for it. As to whether your mixed race children will suffer in the future? Look at Barack Obama, Thierry Henry, Ashley Cole, Lewis Hamilton, Tiger Woods, Monica Ali, Zadie Smith.. I could go on... Oh, Leona Lewis...

BTW, mixed race children are gorgeous . My 2 get comments all the time from strangers about how lovely they are and believe me, both DP and I are distinctly average lookswise...

Thank you all for your positive replies. I can't imagine that many people would be hostile to mixed race relationships these days, but my parents are against my relationship (for purely racist reasons - they refuse to even meet bf) and I can't help picking up on some of their negativity, I'm afraid.

How do you think a mixed race couple would find living in a rural area? I grew up in the country and wouldn't like to think I'd be stuck in a city for the rest of my life, if that's the only place mixed race people are accepted. My bf is very well-spoken and well-educated, which I think helps - I sometimes think race issues can be as much about class.

Gorgeous children, btw, Chopstheduck - thanks for sharing!

Yes I agree Lucia. I don't think it should be this way but I suspect DH is more accepted because he is quite posh and Englishy.

Give your parents time. They might well come round. I know several people who had similar problems but their parents changed eventually. One friend wrote her parents a letter saying that in every other way her boyfriend was perfect (and she listed the ways in a way that appealed to her parents e.g. well-educated) so why focus on his race. It worked and they really changed after that.

you can never tell what any children will look like - if your partner was white, you might end up with a blonde/black/ginger haired child where you both have brown hair. tis the happy randomness of it all

my DD is west indian/european mixed and looks pretty much exactly like me (european) facially, but has darker skin and curly hair (same colour as mine)

we live in london and i have never had anything but positive reactions. parents-wise, what do they know, really? mine tried some of that, but if you know it's nonsense, stick to your guns and get on with your relationship

you never know. I am white, mousy hair, pale skin, blue eyes as are all my family on both sides. DH is mixed black/Arab so quite dark, curly black hair. I assumed our kids would look like him but DS has come out as pale as m e with honey brown hair! he does have brown nipples tho so I'm informed that's a sign he will go darker ;-p

facially he's the spit of his dad tho.....

My Children are mixed white British and Egyptian. My eldest has pale olive skin, dark brown eyes and course but straight mouse brown hair. You would not tell he wasn't white really unless you put him beside his white classmates.
My DD on the other hand looks 100% Arab, with dark skin, dark brown eyes and very curly, almost afro, black hair. There is no telling what your children will look like and thats the beauty of it.
I have never encountered any racism from people around me except from my Dads family who occasionally in the past have made stupid ignorant comments. My dad for instance said when I was expecting my eldest 'Do you realize the baby might not be white?' and also said about my sisters boyfriend who is white, 'at least one of my daughters has found a nice English man!'. Yes such comments are hurtful but you have to rise above them. I have been married to my DH for over 11 years and am very happy. One of the best sayings I have ever heard, I think I may have read it on Mumsnet actually is 'Everyone is part of the same race, the human race'.

Both my parents are Indian and I always get asked where I ma from as everyone thinks I'm meditteranean.

My DH is Indian and both our kids are very light skinned (I am very light skinned, DH is regular Indian brown colour).

It doesnt matter what colour they come out they will be your kids. Neither of my kids look anything like me, that cant be changed.

Seems to me your issues are something else, negativity from your parents, you dont sound 100% yourself especially as you say your children will be a different race from you, why would you even think that?

If the both of you are happy then you have to forget what everyone else thinks. You two will make your relationship work. As for racism surely its not that bad is it otherwise wouldnt your BF have come across it in his everyday life?

Hope things work out.

Just add to the mix. ha! ha! I'm mixed Pakistani Spanish I look like my dad with slightly lighter skin. My Mum has black hair so that didn't make a difference. My nephews and my son are mixed (too many to mention) nephews brown eyes mid brown hair one looks like my brother the other like his dad. My DS looks like me but light skin, mid brown hair and blue eyes! Everyone says he looks like me but his toes, they way his hair grows, eyes are his father. I most important thing is I fancy his dad so any bits that looks like DH is lovely too.