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how can I show my dad I love him?(from a muslim background)

15 replies

vannah · 02/11/2008 20:24

hello,

Not sure if you will be able to relate to this but some of you might. My parents are originally from pakistan, and I was born and brought up here. I have a peculiar relationship with my parents, I can talk freely to my mother and argue with her/share problems. But with my father there is a respectful distance. I couldnt really have a 'personal' conversation with him, eye contact is minimal...thats just the behaviour we have learnt - presumably from my mother...

Anyway, my dad is old, and in the past few years I have come to realise what a sincere, good and noble man he is. I love him so much I could cry. Yet I cant show that to him. We dont hug in our family and we dont say affectionate things: would cause embarrassment.
My mother, I like less and less. She is bitter and quite cold. I avoid visiting because Im not welcome by my mother and brother who lives there. Yet I miss my dad.

My question is this: For a year now I have been trying to pluck up the courage to write my dad a letter to let him know how much he is loved by me. But I am so embarrassed. Would he be awkard in my company afterwards?

Is there any way I can word it so as to cause less embarrassment?
will post this in multicultural too..

thankyou

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Goober · 02/11/2008 20:29

Get him a blank card, with a nice picture on it.
Writ in it what you just wrote here. I'm sure he will be very proud.
Lots of luck, and, you are very lucky.

vannah · 03/11/2008 08:07

thanks goober, Ive written it out in a card..just have to deliver it now...

OP posts:
Goober · 03/11/2008 08:33

Post it. He'll be extra surprised and massively proud.

DaddyJ · 03/11/2008 08:40

Is there something that's really special to him,
say a painting/work of art from the part of Pakistan he is originally from?
That would be a nice gift with a very short
respectful message.

Or could you invite him to go for a nice walk
somewhere picturesque close to where you live?
Walk together, in silence, it might not happen
first time but maybe you will see a different side to him.

stitch · 04/11/2008 10:25

any sort of communicatio nat all with him will let him know you love him

Flowertots · 08/11/2008 15:25

Oh my God, you sound like me!!!
I started to show an interest in things my dad was interested in which was gardening and Islamic architecture. I bought him a book and a nice plant and looked up stupid facts about things so that I would have something to talk to him about and just spend quality time with him.

Zorra · 30/11/2008 11:43

I can relate... I would recommend finding a poem which might hit the spot, Urdu poetry is such a cornerstone of Pakistani life, it's a way that difficult / embarrasing subjects are often communicated.

starbear · 04/12/2008 21:19

Sorry I've come to this thread late. My dad was/is (sadly died 5 years ago) Pakistani always kissed me on the forehead. He did this with all children. When I showed affection to him I would do the same kiss him on the forehead. (This came later when be became a lot older) He also used to run a veg stall and I used to go visit him there on a day off, buy coffee and just be in each others company, never for very long as we had nothing in common. It was nice for him to introduce me as his daugther to his customers and friends. I do understand your feels as I never felt I knew my dad. But sadly he's gone now and there is nothing I can do about that now.

OhLITTLEFISHofBethlehem · 04/12/2008 21:26

Oh Vannah, please send him the letter.

I sent my wonderful grandfather a letter telling him just how important he was to me, and what a huge role he had played in my life. I didn't want him to be in any coubt about how important he was to me, but couldn't think how to say it face to face - we just didn't talk like that.

We never talked about the letter although I knew he'd received it. Our relationship continued as normal, and I must confess that I felt slightly disappointed. However, when he died about six months later, my letter was found in his "treasures box" under his bed.

I've now got the letter back again, and it means so much to me that he kept it with his most important posessions until he died.

starbear · 04/12/2008 21:42

What a lovely story OhLittlefish. It has brought a tear to my eye.

OhLITTLEFISHofBethlehem · 04/12/2008 21:47

He was a very special man starbear, and I'm just so glad that I found a way to tell him.

starbear · 04/12/2008 22:02

very lucky woman. Was he on your father's or Mother's side?

vannah · 04/12/2008 22:13

thankyou starbear and ohlittlefish, starbear sorry to hear that your father has passed away. Thats sweet that you spent time with him at his stall.
littlefish, how lovely your story is: i have sent the letter, and like you felt a bit disappointed as nothing was ever mentioned- and he has been alone with me a couple of times.

But I heard that he told my mother what a great letter I had written....

best wishes

OP posts:
OhLITTLEFISHofBethlehem · 04/12/2008 22:15

He was my mum's dad. He was my "safe place", and the one really constant, reliable and unchanging person in my childhood.

In your previous message, you say that you and your dad had little in common. In introducing you to his customers and friends, it sounds like he was tremendously proud of you and enjoyed your company. Do you think if he had lived longer that you would have deepened your understanding of each other, as adults? Did you ever get past feeling like his daughter?

starbear · 04/12/2008 22:26

My dad married a european against his families wishes. He also drank, womanised and gambled. He lost his business (that why he had a stall)I'm a lot more straight down the line person. My Mum used me to battle with my father as she knew he wouldn't hit me. BUT.. I now understand how irritating my Mum can be and he never hit her but his temper would make you think he would. I have that same temper (and so does my nephew) and it has been very useful to get my own way sometimes. I'm no push over. he never had any hobbies we could share and he was strict about many things (Do as I say Not as I do)
I am a very independent person knew where I was going in life. This used to cause us problems when I was young. Strangely he grew to respect my choices in life and left me to it. But we never grew really close.

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