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Original poster

11 year old repeatedly called the N word at school

21 replies

Simplynow · 10/12/2025 21:20

My 11 year old daughter has just started year 7 (her first term in high school) … she came home today fuming and shaken as another child had repeatedly called her the N word (she’s mixed race)

I knew she would eventually encounter racism but this is so extremely overt and hateful … she’s only 11. Maybe I shouldn’t be so shocked? I don’t know.

I’ve been strong for her in validating her feelings (anger mostly as this point) and helping her see that all the ‘badness’ is on him, not her. She said she wasn’t offended as she is proud to be mixed race.

I’m proud of how she dealt with it - calling it out etc and the school are taking it very seriously.

But inside I’m so crushed. I feel her innocence is crushed and I’m concerned that she pushed it all down as a way of coping or not quite understanding as she was close to tears when she was telling me.

I just want to know if I can make any of this better for her? And also how I deal with it going forward, internally as I don’t want my anger and horror to spill out onto her… but at same time. I want her to recognize and be able to talk about everything shes feeling and the severity of it all…. Tricky balance! I think I’m good at holding space but then when I’m alone, I’m not sure how to process or deal with it

OP posts:
Carolenarua · 10/12/2025 21:57

I'm so sorry, that's awful. Just validate her feelings like your doing and make sure it's dealt with properly by the school, chase them if needs be. She sounds amazing- so strong to call it out. I definitely wouldn't have been able to do that so young. Sorry if not helpful but wanted to reply

Original poster
Simplynow · 10/12/2025 22:07

Carolenarua · 10/12/2025 21:57

I'm so sorry, that's awful. Just validate her feelings like your doing and make sure it's dealt with properly by the school, chase them if needs be. She sounds amazing- so strong to call it out. I definitely wouldn't have been able to do that so young. Sorry if not helpful but wanted to reply

I’m very proud, I just hope she remains as strong as she is now. I spoke to my mum about it who brushed it off as playground antics and told me not to ‘blow it up’ 😠 thanks for understanding and your kind message

OP posts:
Pryceosh1987 · 11/12/2025 02:01

Tell the teacher when in doubt. But you said the school is dealing with it. I would say take each day as it comes and leave yesterday as yesterday. If we do not do this, grudges will be apart of us from the hurt, of people that hurt, harm and are racists.

Original poster
Simplynow · 11/12/2025 06:13

Pryceosh1987 · 11/12/2025 02:01

Tell the teacher when in doubt. But you said the school is dealing with it. I would say take each day as it comes and leave yesterday as yesterday. If we do not do this, grudges will be apart of us from the hurt, of people that hurt, harm and are racists.

I’m woken up feeling sick and anxious that she a hateful child is amongst my daughter at school and it’s only a small school. He has classes with her.

It’s difficult to ‘set aside’ any ideas how I can do that?

Thanks

OP posts:
NatWestPigFamily · 11/12/2025 06:42

I think you’ve raised an amazing strong daughter. I’m mixed too and was the target of racism in year 7. 2 boys in particular, one sat behind me in history class and would whisper slurs and nasty things at me. Another was a boy who joined our school from Scotland and would tell racist jokes whenever I was around. I even had someone tell another kid to set my hair alight when we were just friendly messing around. I never told the teachers and always wished I had stuck up for myself, this was early 90s. Schools are much better with racism now. Make sure you follow-up with the school and don’t let the little shit get away with it!

NumbersGuy · 11/12/2025 07:04

OP tell her to never give her power away to anybody. She alone is going to have a long road ahead of her, and since she already stated "She said she wasn’t offended as she is proud to be mixed race." then you've done your job in getting her prepared for this sometimes cruel world. As long as she has her safe space at home, and you continue to reinforce her values, then she'll be fine. She learned from you to never allow others to define who she is, and she's unbelievably lucky at such a young age, since others can't ever achieve that even as adults. Be proud of who you are for raising such a child.

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:06

Escalate to the police and OFSTED
Contact LEA and school governors. Cc everyone in each email.

Lemonysnickety · 11/12/2025 07:13

That is so utterly horrible for her @Simplynow I would be expecting the school to take an incredibly hard line. People can be so utterly cruel to one another.

The only thing that is positive in the situation is that she has you by her side while she navigates this other person’s failing and cruelty. The love she gets from you all acts as a protective power against people like that boy who just cannot feel that love themselves.

If she can learn to put that barrier around her where she understands this is entirely about him and nothing to do with her she will have a life lesson that everyone probably needs to develop at some stage but not everyone can.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:17

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:06

Escalate to the police and OFSTED
Contact LEA and school governors. Cc everyone in each email.

The OP has said that the school is dealing with it. They will have procedures in place to follow. If they fail to do so, then it’s time to bring out the big guns.

OP, whilst it’s horrible for your DD to be racially abused in such a way, I’d try to keep your responses to it pretty low key in front of your DD. She’s quite rightly upset by what’s happened, now she needs to be supported to not let it affect her any more than it already may have. I’d see if school can offer any support to help build her resilience with a focus on how to respond to racism against her. I’m sure you’re doing a great job with her and because it’s something she’s not really experienced before it’s come as a huge shock to you. Keep communication open with the school so they can support her through this.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:18

Lemonysnickety · 11/12/2025 07:13

That is so utterly horrible for her @Simplynow I would be expecting the school to take an incredibly hard line. People can be so utterly cruel to one another.

The only thing that is positive in the situation is that she has you by her side while she navigates this other person’s failing and cruelty. The love she gets from you all acts as a protective power against people like that boy who just cannot feel that love themselves.

If she can learn to put that barrier around her where she understands this is entirely about him and nothing to do with her she will have a life lesson that everyone probably needs to develop at some stage but not everyone can.

Great reply.

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:22

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:17

The OP has said that the school is dealing with it. They will have procedures in place to follow. If they fail to do so, then it’s time to bring out the big guns.

OP, whilst it’s horrible for your DD to be racially abused in such a way, I’d try to keep your responses to it pretty low key in front of your DD. She’s quite rightly upset by what’s happened, now she needs to be supported to not let it affect her any more than it already may have. I’d see if school can offer any support to help build her resilience with a focus on how to respond to racism against her. I’m sure you’re doing a great job with her and because it’s something she’s not really experienced before it’s come as a huge shock to you. Keep communication open with the school so they can support her through this.

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No you make sure all authorities know about it before they have the chance to cover it up or minimise it. You literally humiliate and scare them into extreme action against the child and the issue itself.

dairydebris · 11/12/2025 07:27

Your daughter sounds amazing in how shes dealt with this. Tell her how proud you are and give her some comebacks such as- ' the last century called and wants its racist views back, loser' etc... and then move on and don't let her see its a big deal. She is coping. Let her continue to cope.

In the background, quietly, go all in against the school to prevent this ever happening again.

Slimtoddy · 11/12/2025 07:28

Something similar happened to my mixed race DD in school too at similar age but not as bad. Luckily it happened in front of her black teacher who took the kids to task. It always reassured me knowing he was in the school. We had a few conversations after the incident and just knowing he was looking out for her reassured me just a bit.

Owly11 · 11/12/2025 07:34

What the hell? I am so sorry your daughter had to experience that. I hope the child is permanently excluded. You should definitely kick up an almighty fuss. Is there an organisation that can help with this because otherwise i bet the school try to smooth it over.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:43

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:22

No you make sure all authorities know about it before they have the chance to cover it up or minimise it. You literally humiliate and scare them into extreme action against the child and the issue itself.

Show quote history

No one will take any notice of you do not follow the procedures that the school has.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:47

Owly11 · 11/12/2025 07:34

What the hell? I am so sorry your daughter had to experience that. I hope the child is permanently excluded. You should definitely kick up an almighty fuss. Is there an organisation that can help with this because otherwise i bet the school try to smooth it over.

If this is a one off incident a child will not be PX’d. What should happen is that the offender will be dealt with in a manner that ensures they see that what they’ve done is unacceptable and will come to understand why. That way they are far less likely to repeat their racist language, but if they do then the consequences are ramped up.

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:48

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:43

No one will take any notice of you do not follow the procedures that the school has.

Show quote history

I can tell you they most certainly will. The local papers will even be interested. My niece had this issue with her child in Cambridgeshire. Once the local paper called the school for their side of the incidents, the school suddenly decided that they do need to punish the culprits and address the wider issues with racism.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:48

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:48

I can tell you they most certainly will. The local papers will even be interested. My niece had this issue with her child in Cambridgeshire. Once the local paper called the school for their side of the incidents, the school suddenly decided that they do need to punish the culprits and address the wider issues with racism.

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Did your niece have a sad photo of her and her DC in the paper?

Squishedpassenger · 11/12/2025 07:50

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2025 07:48

Did your niece have a sad photo of her and her DC in the paper?

Show quote history

No it didnt make the paper because the school decided to actually do something once they realised it would be in the media. Suddenly the governors started responding and holding meetings and the children were suspended.

Original poster
Simplynow · 11/12/2025 12:14

Thank you for all the kind , thoughtful for responses. They mean a lot.

MY daughter has messaged me saying that he’s denying it which is further distressing her and the school are currently completing an investigation.

I just hope he doesn’t manage to wriggle
his way out of it. Very difficult to educate a child on his vile behaviour if he cannot admit to it in the first place…

OP posts:
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