Worried about 13 year old biracial daughter.

[Flippeddy]

My daughter is half black / half white. I’m extremely worried now she’s entering her teen years that it’s only a matter of time until she encounters racism. The thought makes me feel like all my organs are being pushed through a grater. I know this isn’t helpful and I need to be strong for her and I will be but it’s almost like I’m on edge atm whenever she gets upset about something that’s happened that it’s going to be racist, even accidently racism which often happens as kids don’t know any better… it can be so subtle but the result is then internalized.

She’s been a confident child (outwardly) but I’ve noticed the confidence decreasing recently… she’s not comfortable with certain hairstyles, she’s cried because she feels ‘ugly’ and she’s commented on others being prettier than her.

I support her where I can with her racial identity and celebrate both sides although unfortunately her black grandma doesn’t want to be involved… and she’s know female relatives on that side, which I can’t fix.

I’m wondering whether I am overreacting and preempting something that is not very likely to happen… I just want to enjoy my daughter but the anxiety takes over at times. It’s hard enough growing up as a young girl without being a minority in what seems to a very harsh climate , at least politically atm.

I think feeling anxious and worried is common and understandable, but don't let it take over as it helps no one!

My situation is different but ds is autistic, as he was growing up I could have dwelled on the fact that 70-85% of autistic people are out of work or that between 63 and 67% of children with autism are bullied at some time - with some suggesting it's as high as 94% (just looked up stats, they're not something i can reel off or anything!)

So what i did was all i could to help him manage situations, calmly and to feel loved and secure. Talking to him about what might be behind the behaviour of the other person, to realise the problem wasn't him. To make sure he had a good education so he had options and to really focus on that and help him with steps to getting work in a world that made it more difficult for people like him.

Secondary school can knock the confidence out of anyone IMO, it really is quite a brutal place. Try to be positive about what a great kid your child is and that with you behind her she'll be strong enough to deal with any issues.

Thank you 🙏

I have a mixed race dd (white/Asian). I think those early teen years were quite challenging for her in terms of her own racial identity - trying to work out where she fits in, really valuing her dual heritage but also feeling slightly insecure about not being "fully" one thing or another. With hindsight, I don't think DH and I had really given sufficient thought to what her experience of being mixed race might actually be like or to the potential challenges that she might encounter. So it was a learning journey for all of us. I should add, dd wouldn't change her mixed heritage for the world, but it hasn't always been a smooth journey.

The fears about racism are valid, especially in the current climate. It's horrible right now. However, you can't allow your fears to take over. And I mean this kindly, but you need to remember that this is not really about you or your anxiety - it's about you being able to support your dd in the way that she needs to be supported. So try not to overthink it!

I think it's important to be led by your daughter as much as you can, but you also need to create an environment in which she feels that she can talk about these issues. Do you openly discuss issues around race and racism at home?

Be aware that children sometimes avoid telling their parents stuff because they want to protect them - so your dd needs to know that you'll have her back and fight her corner where necessary, but she also needs to be confident that telling you about her own experiences of racism - which sadly she will probably encounter at some point in her life if she hasn't already done so - is not going to break you in any way. She also needs to know that you will respect her wishes and not rush in with all guns blazing if that's not how she wants to handle it.

Ho do I go about brining this up with her as I don’t want to upset her and make her feel that she has anything to be uncomfortable about or have to encounter ? I don’t want to create the problem before she’s even experienced it if that makes sense? As she’s never indicated not liking her race or wanting to be white … she’s mentioned a racist comment she received at primary schooo but that’s it… she tells me other stuff that happens and she knows what racism is…. Not sure what else I can do without making her feel that she is at a disadvantage or a potential target which could dent her confidence before anything has even happened if that makes sense?

I don't know tbh. I do agree that you need to be very sensitive in how you approach it.

In our house, we talk a lot about social and political issues, so I guess it came up naturally to some extent. And dd heard her dad and other members of his community sometimes talking about their own experiences.

DD and I also used to chat at great lengths about her friends, the dynamics of her friendship groups, what she liked about people, what she didn't like about people, who had fallen out with who etc. Not specifically about race at all, but about relationships in general. And within one of those chats, dd raised some issues around a friend who was experiencing racism in school. This led to a lot of conversations about how dd felt about it, how she could support the girl, what else she could do to address the issue, had she ever had any experience of being targeted directly etc. (She had!)

So I think it's not about sitting her down to have a big conversations about racism as such, but more about keeping the lines of communication open and ensuring that she knows that it isn't a taboo conversation.

It's difficult to advise really, as all families are so different, and all parent-child relationships function in different ways.

I would add, I very much doubt that you'll be putting the idea into her head tbh. At 13, she will sadly not be oblivious to the problem of racism.

I am mixed race - black and white. I grew it in a very rural little town in the countryside and my sister and I were the only people of a different ethnic background. We were fine. I had a lovely experience at school and everybody was kind. Maybe the 1 comment but it never impacted me massively.

I am 33 now and never really experienced anything overly horrific even after school. The odd comment here and there, mainly down to uneducated people, but not awful. Try not to worry!

I also have mixed race children though and I can see the fear especially with everything going on at the moment.

I’m mixed race with mixed race children.
We’ve been having conversations about racism since they were tiny. So conversations about race and racism are normalised in hour house - and that has meant my children have told me about racist incidents or situations/conversations that have made them uncomfortable/unsure/wonder. My kids also talk to me about their sense of identity, challenges like hair products, make up in the right shades, etc, etc (all issues reflecting systemic racism and marginalisation, which your daughter is already experiencing). Most parents of colour I know do the same as not needing to talk about race and racism (or making a “big conversation”) is a privilege we don’t have.

We also talk about misogyny, sexism, homophobia, etc too. I wanted to raise my children to be socially aware, empathetic, kind and understanding so we talk about these things.

just chat to your daughter about the world and society we live in. You don’t need to express worry to her but light hearted conversations about hair products that are positive about her hair and that type of thing alongside discussions about how awful the current climate of anti-migrant sentiment is will open the door for her to talk with you.