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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Original poster

I’m stuck in a moving dilemma..

7 replies

TapRab · 04/12/2025 07:43

Hi,

I am 35 (f) and I currently live with my in- laws in a large extended family home in a nice area/town. I left my hometown and married my husband and moved here. I was hoping to live here a year or so (culturally) then move out. 10 years on, I am still here.

The good news is we saved enough money and we can buy a home very soon( most of mortgage paid off). I have four children, two are high needs autistic boys. I am a very busy and usually a stressed out mother. It’s hard for us staying in someone else’s home now the kids are getting older.

My mother and father in law are starting to become senile and I am annoyed by them in every way. They aren’t very hands on and don’t help much with childcare. My husband’s parents are in their late 60’s but are very needy and don’t have many independent skills. At this point, we aren’t too worried about other factors of their living as they have other children.

The city we live in is very expensive, I do enjoy the slower paced lifestyle compared to where I moved from. The boys have their schools and their healthcare services. However, I am so anxious and paranoid about moving back to my hometown.

My hometown would be ideal, as we have my own family and a support network. We will be able to purchase the right home for us. Seems perfect. We will not be as isolated and my family will help out with my children. However, I just have this constant fear and worry that I will regret it. I had a very destructive life before marrying. I did all the bad things and was just a reckless young girl. That type of behaviour of course led to a bad reputation.

My family know I have matured and moved on, and are very proud. But I will get the odd comment from my mum saying they mentioned my past. Almost like a reminder to me. Usually by family members or neighbours. This really affects me and I just block out the move completely. Why would I move back to a place that I find myself vulnerable? But I also cannot stay here, I need my own space. My husband reminds me we will be in a nicer area away from the old area I lived in, but I feel I will always be a part of it since I’m moving there. I am so torn, I know I need to move but my regrettable past keeps haunting me.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 04:05

Can you rent there for a while?

Original poster
TapRab · 05/12/2025 07:49

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 04:05

Can you rent there for a while?

Rent here or in the other city? Rent here is very high and we are still saving enough money to live somewhat comfortably once we move. For our needs as a family it would be around £2,500 or more here.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 07:51

TapRab · 05/12/2025 07:49

Rent here or in the other city? Rent here is very high and we are still saving enough money to live somewhat comfortably once we move. For our needs as a family it would be around £2,500 or more here.

Show quote history

In the other city, try before you commit.

otherlineeyes · 05/12/2025 08:16

Would you consider having some therapy to help you process how you feel about your past so that it doesn’t affect you so much. If you are not carrying the sense of shame you seem to be, then some comments from others, if they do materialise, can be water of a ducks back.
The reasons you give that are blocking your move are emotional rather than practical so you could try to attend to that aspect.
It sounds like your stuck between a rock and a hard place; but being somewhere with supportive family and your own space on the face of it sound like a better option in your situation.

Ddakji · 05/12/2025 08:18

I agree that it sounds like you need to have some therapy to deal with your negative feelings about your past, which is probably a pretty similar past to lots of us but it’s perhaps frowned upon more in your culture.

Original poster
TapRab · 05/12/2025 11:38

otherlineeyes · 05/12/2025 08:16

Would you consider having some therapy to help you process how you feel about your past so that it doesn’t affect you so much. If you are not carrying the sense of shame you seem to be, then some comments from others, if they do materialise, can be water of a ducks back.
The reasons you give that are blocking your move are emotional rather than practical so you could try to attend to that aspect.
It sounds like your stuck between a rock and a hard place; but being somewhere with supportive family and your own space on the face of it sound like a better option in your situation.

Therapy is something I have been considering. My husband says the same thing, I am thinking emotionally then practically. He mentions know one would bother me and it’s been such a long time ago, most people have moved on.

I always feel I left all that behind and I have made a new chapter in my own story book here and it’s a good feeling. Ideally, I would love to stay here but in my own home.

OP posts:
Original poster
TapRab · 05/12/2025 11:40

Ddakji · 05/12/2025 08:18

I agree that it sounds like you need to have some therapy to deal with your negative feelings about your past, which is probably a pretty similar past to lots of us but it’s perhaps frowned upon more in your culture.

It is frowned upon more in my culture than others. But people seem to hold onto the past because it’s a sense of power they have over you.

OP posts:
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