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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

Religious grandparents

12 replies

Downtowngirl · 10/02/2008 18:47

Anyone else in a similar situation to this?

My partner (not yet married) is from an orthodox jewish family. My dad is jewish which makes me almost worse than a total non-jew in my partner's mum's eyes, as judaism runs through the mother (from the orthodox point of view). One of the reasons we haven't yet got married is that she won't attend our wedding, which will just be a big hassle, so we've been avoiding it!

Strangely, I get on really well with partner's mum in practice, but in principle she thinks that her son marrying out is 'tragic' and the existence of our DD is equally so...

She has other grandchildren who are orthodox jews, and whilst she loves our DD (3 months) I do wonder how things will turn out as she gets older, and as we bring her up in a secular way....

I'd love my DD to connect with her Jewish heritage without having to practise judaism, and to have a close relationship with her grandma, and I really don't want her to be a second class grandchild compared to the religious ones... am I hoping for too much? Anyone with older children than me managed it?

OP posts:

pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 18:49

tbh, i actually think that you will end up having the best relationship. as will your dd with her grandmotehrh

Original poster

Downtowngirl · 10/02/2008 18:54

That had never crossed my mind! Why do you say that pukkapatch? Are you in a similar boat at all, if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:

pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 19:02

because you say that you get on well with her in practice.

sil is not from dh's country of origin. she isnt even muslim, and to top it all off, she's not married. turned up with three week old baby girl. in a very traditionla bengali family that is so far from ok as to be off the scale. mil appears to love her to bits, and dotes on her children. babysits at the drop of a hat. as does sil.
i havent been able to work this out.but i think its something to do with the fact that she is so completelyopposite to what they wanted, that they have looked through al the crap to the real person underneath, and found that actually, she is just the sort ofperson they would like their ds/b to be with. iyswim.
i am too similar, yet too different for them to want to accept. and am ,,,, well, my relationship with them is worth several long threads on its own. they cant be bothered to look through al the cultural crap to see what i am like. or dc are like.

Vacua · 10/02/2008 19:07

can you be a little bit observant, like maybe show up at a reform synagogue or something - observe the main festivals at home. surely she'd be happier with a more liberal observance than none at all?

he's not really marrying out is he, and maybe you could go through conversion process or something if your family were not observant?

are grandparents from a united shul?

Vacua · 10/02/2008 19:11

am not jewish obviously, clicked on thread because have insanely religious mother (christian) but from jewish friends I totally understand the anxiety about marrying out - it's just that it leaves people with a really small pool of potential spouses to fish from

TotalChaos · 10/02/2008 19:14

I am from a Jewish background. I agree with pukkapatch - that as you get on well with MIL in practice, and she is very keen on your DD, this bodes well for the future. Since PILs are still in contact with your family unit, despite you not being jewish, then that shows some desire on their part to make the best of things IMHO.

RubySlippers · 10/02/2008 19:15

me and DH are both Jewish and are bringing DS up in the faith

Judaism can be welcoming and places huge emphasis on the family - whilst your MIL may have said she won't come to your wedding, you say you get on well with her which sounds like a great start

does she spend a lot of time with your DD?

FWIW, you could light candles on a Friday, have a chanukiah without doing the full on observance?

Original poster

Downtowngirl · 10/02/2008 19:19

Poor you Pukkapatch that sounds like a nightmare situation..how difficult that things have worked out that way. I hope things are better with the other grandparents..

OP posts:

pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 19:23

oh absolutely. my parents love our kids to bits. despite living thousands of miles away, the still see them lots and lots and speak to them on th ephone at least once a week, if notmore. so they more than make up for it.

Original poster

Downtowngirl · 10/02/2008 21:18

I like the idea of doing a few cultural things, like lighting candles, then dd wouldn't be so at sea in her grandma's house...

conversion not an option as family is much more religious than united synagogue, if I did it couldn't be nominal, it would have to be a full scale orthodox conversion learning biblical stuff etc... I couldn't do it!

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 10/02/2008 21:20

yes, the orthodox conversion process is extremely demanding and time consuming - the reform one is hardly a picnic, still takes a few years. Does your DP stick to any of the traditions/celebrations? If so you could delegate the jewish educational stuff to him

pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 21:28

i think actually converting to a partners religion is something that hsouldnt be takenon merel for family unity. it shouldonly be done if you yourself firmly believe in the religion youreslf.
since you yourself have some cultural judaism in your background, it would be an idea to teach your dd something about it so she can fit into it in a social way. iyswim

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