Expat mums: are you happy to raise your DC in the UK?

[Marghe87]

Massively controversial topic, I know.
I just came across a post here on MN about someone ranting about how bad the country state is right now and someone commented saying she was glad they were raising their children abroad as the system here is s..t and schools are very bad etc etc
I was curious to exchange thoughts and experienced with other expat mums here on MN - how do you find living in the UK generally? And how do you feel about raising your DC here? (also let us know where are you from, is you wish to share that info)

I am from another EU country and have lived in the UK for quite a while, although my DD is still a toddler so I haven't had much experience with local schools etc. I have mixed feelings about living here sometimes but overall career opportunities keep me in London - I know I wouldn't be able to have the same job and progression opportunities back home and I think this could have an impact in DD's life too eventually.

I do miss home massively though.

Expat of immigrant? If you're sent to a country for work on a limited time contract, ie 4 years, before moving back home or to another country, then you're an expat.

If you've permanently moved then you're an immigrant.

I went from being an expat to an immigrant.

There's quite a big difference when it comes to raising children as expats tend to have kids in (paid for by the company) private schools which often have lots of other expat kids, whereas immigrants either don't, or pay for it themselves. They tend to live in different areas too (because expats work for certain types of companies and immigrants work all over the place).

Maybe you mean immigrant?

@DivorcingEU well I mean both… based on my knowledge of the word and what I can see on google, an expat is either what you are referring to or someone who lives abroad permanently. It’s true that there is an element of working in “certain type of jobs” as a common theme.

I’m originally from Hungary but have lived here for 5+ years now. My partner is English and we have a young baby.
I don’t know how I feel about it tbh. Maternity leave & pay is a lot worse here than back home, which is a hard pill to swallow; I’d love to stay home with him for the first 2 years like my friends do back home, but there’s no way we can afford that so he’ll be going to nursery when he’s 1. On the flip side, employers are more flexible about working arrangements here and also a lot less sexist and don’t discriminate as much (or maybe I’ve just been lucky!)
As for education - I think for primary age, it’s ok - from what I’ve seen, is quite relaxed here, less focused on results and more on play and enjoying school (though I do think they start young at 4).
Secondary, I’m not sure. I haven’t ruled out moving back home when he (and any siblings) hits that age, though only for a few years. It’s not the quality of education I’m worried about, but the culture of bullying they have here, even in supposedly good schools. Although quality doesn’t seem to be that great either, unless they live in the catchment area of a great school but we’ll never be able to afford to buy in really nice places so that’s probably out. Grammar might be a good choice, but if they’re not academic then I don’t really want to spend years (and £££) preparing them for tests with all the stress that brings, only for them to fail or end up somewhere they really don’t enjoy… there’s more to life than studying!
Overall I think they’ll be better off here with more opportunities later in life.
What do you think OP?

@HoleyMoly a lot of what you say resonates with me too. I agree on many of the above points, although I wasn’t aware there is a higher level
of bullying here compared to other countries.
Moving back home is sadly not a very feasible option for us for many reasons (DH is also English) so I sometimes feel a bit “stuck”. But then I remind myself there are so many positives about being here and by staying here I am able to potentially offer DD a better future and kore opportunities than back home

I am from an EU country too.
I feel my life here is much better than my life would be over there, in terms of job prospects, financial security, quality of life, etc.
Education is also better too here than it would be back home. My daughter is in a state school so objectively nothing fancy but it's so much better than what I had as a child and what my friends' children back home have.
The health system is supposedly better there but from what family and friends are telling me, it's really gone downhill. The headlines in the news are certainly similar to those we see here.

There are obviously cons to living here (huge wealth disparities and a class system I am uncomfortable with, for one) but I feel the positives outweigh the negatives.
I did come here because I fell in love with the country and the people (as opposed to, say, a job) so perhaps I'm biased though!

We are the end of dc’s childhoods after I moved to London and then S lE 21 years ago. It was a good experience, lots of opportunity and nowhere is perfect but I like the stability of the U.K. and feel safe. Culturally it’s great here. Dc seem to think the world is their oyster and they have the freedom to explore and work anywhere. Confident and articulate dc. It’s a very privileged position.
I don’t like the class system that seems entrenched and unlike anywhere else I have lived. I am surprised about the pessimism sometimes. But overall happy yes.

I don't have kids yet, but I'm an immigrant from the US. I have to say I don't fully understand how the school system works here and I worry that I won't be able to provide enough guidance and help navigate things for my future DC when the time comes.

For example, GSCEs and A-Levels and applying for university - it's all a bit of a mystery to me and my DH didn't attend uni so he wouldn't know how to help either. The US system is very different, we take a standardised exam (the SAT) in the final year of high school, and universities use that score along with your grades and any extracurriculars to decide whether or not to admit you.

The school run also seems to be a huge thing in the UK and is apparently a source of drama going by what I read on MN, whereas I used to just get picked up and dropped off by the school bus at the end of my parent's driveway. When I was small (5-9 years old) and lived nearer to the school, I walked there with my friends, but seems like that would never happen here.

Parenting culture here seems more protective and almost over-involved, at least amongst the parents I know (middle class, high-earners). The kids' lives all seem very scheduled and regimented and playdates are a bit formal compared to what I'm familiar with in the US. A lot of fussing about where to live to get the kids into certain schools, when all the schools in that town are good.

It also seems like children in the US receive more medical monitoring, as kids have annual visits to their paediatrician to check their development etc, but here it seems like kids don't see the doctor unless something is wrong and then it's the GP that sees them.

I am a bit worried about pregnancy here, as you see a lot of horror stories and scandals about births gone wrong on the NHS (obv could happen anywhere but it's in the media often). I have some medical conditions where I would be closely monitored by and obstetrician in the US, but in the UK it seems like it's more hands-off and you are typically seen by a midwife. Epidurals also don't seem to be favoured in the UK, and only gas and air/natural birth seem to be idealised (at least amongst the people I know). I worry I'll have to fight to have a consultant-led pregnancy.

I think there are more career progression opportunities in the US (my career has taken a definite hit moving here, and the pay is a lot lower), but my kids would have dual citizenship and could move there if they wished to.

@lobeliasb i think if you have a condition and are considered “at risk” they’d assign you a doctor, not just a midwife. You can actually choose where to give birth (ie: midwife led unit or normal hospital unit led by doctors) in kost hospitals I think.
I agree kids are not really followed from a health perspective, back home we have the equivalent of the NHS also also get a free paediatrician with regular checks etc…

I also agree with pp commenting on the class system, I have been here for years now and still can’t get used to it. Of course classes and disparity exists in most societies but it’s muchh more felt here I think. I don’t like it.

@Blessedwithsunshine thank you for your answer, it’s nice to hear. I am hoping we can give DD the best of both worlds and that she’ll use the advantages of growing up here and the enrichment that comes from carrying with you another piece of culture to her own benefit one day❤️

I've thought the same about bullying here. My husband will sometimes point something out and say kids would have been relentlessly bullied for it at his school, and I'm always surprised - things like being gay or acting "too posh", for example. Or just crass jokes in general; the show The Inbetweeners was a bit of a shock to me because my high school wasn't like that at all, but my DH says it's very accurate.

As an example, when I was in school in the early 2000's, gay students were not bothered or bullied for it at all. I appreciate it's still an issue in a lot of countries, but where I'm from no one really cared or commented on things like that much less called people "bummers" or "nonces" as a joke. I'm in a Facebook group with other women from the US that have moved to the UK and many of them mention that their children get bullied for being American. It's odd to me, in my school the foreign students were more popular if anything.