very very concerned - bilingual child - nursery says he is developmentally behind

[closethippie]

[i have laso posted this under the behaviour/development topic]:

i hate to get defensive about this kind of thing, but my son only turned 3.5 at around Xmas time, and has only been going to nursery since Sept, with lots of breaks in between, he has only just got used to going there regularly since the new year, he enjoys going in every morning now, but used to resist before Xmas, i have been at home with him for over 3 years, he has never had any other caregivers other than hubby and i

he is super sharp, very very affectionate, hugs and kisses all the time, gets into my lap all the time, was bf until very recently so we have a very close physical bond, is bilingual so his english is behind, i am told he doesn't join in with the singing or story reading i assume because he is not used to it or because he doesn't understand due to lack of english, he is an only child so no matter how much we tell he must share, he still doesn't like sharing toys at home or outside (i read somewhere that we shouldn't expect them to understand sharing until they are at least 4, this was confirmed by someone i know who is a child psychologist), so what is going on ? we do remind him he must share constantly and we do have set boundaries of good and bad behaviour at home, although i am opposed to certain types of "descipline" and prefer to just reward him for good behaviour.

i am now told that someone is coming to "assess" my son together with another boy who shows similar "behaviour" and is about the same age.

i am seriously worried that my son is going to get "labelled" at an early age for no other reason other than he doesn't "conform" to set patterns of activity which is bizzare because i specifically chose the nursery on the basis that it isn't mainstream (it is a montessori)

could someone please tell me whether they also have an extremely energetic child who is having simialr issues at 3 or 4 years old ? i would particularly like to hear from bilinguals.

any advice much appreciated.

My bilingual ds at this age actually went through a phase when he refused to speak English at all- so for several months he wouldn't speak to his friends or to any of the playschool staff. When friends came round to play, he expected his older sister to interpret for him, though he was obviously perfectly capable of conducting a conversation himself.
I was a bit worried at the thought of his going up to reception with this attitude- but he did relax, so by the time he started school he would condescend to speak to his teacher.
From what I remember, the playschool staff were fairly relaxed about it, and even the childminder took my word for it that there was nothing wrong with his Swedish language development.
You don't give a lot of detail as to what his bad behaviour consists of (snatching? pushing? hitting other children?) or what their methods of discipline are. At this age, I would not be shocked if a child behaved in that type of way, but I would expect the nursery staff to intervene, for the sake of your ds as well as for the other child.

Message withdrawn

thanks to you both. i have also posted in the development topic and received some interesting ideas there too. i am hoping things will change for ds as he gets a bit older and learns more english.

dear closethippie,

i am a nursery nurse with years of experience and work for a nursery that is part of a big well know university, therefore most children that we have in our care are the children from international students from all over the world.

many of those children start in our nursery without beeing able to a word in english (as they might just have arrived in the uk) or their behaviour while playing might be aggressive and they don't know to share.

that is absolutly normal!! as you said your son is not used to english and not used to be in an enviroment where he would have to share.

we as childcarers and you as a parent can encourage and praise good behaviour but cannot force anyone.
i don't understand why the nursery is getting someone to asses your child, i don't believe they are allowed to do that without you agreeing.

from my point of view there is nothing wrong with your child and he will eventually learn to adapt to his enviroment naturally.

p.s. 70% of the children in our nursery are bilingual. i experienced that most of the children learn to speak english withing the first 6 months of attending nursery, as they here it daily from teachers and other children.
parents sometimes come to us worried, but after a few months the 3-4 year old child speaks better english than the parents do.

so thats my long email to you, don't worry speak to management and if the nursery doesn't change their attetude i ould look for another nursery.

all the best

closethippie, ds was bf until 2+,was used to my exclusive company (am a single mum),is hyper and happy, did not really start nursery until properly until 6 months ago (age 2.5) and i had to (sometimes still do ) drag him in kicking and screaming. At pre school however he runs through the play ground throws himself into the room and forgets all about me!? both are bilingual schools (eng/welsh). the only difference is that nursery has lots of kids and pre school has about 8. The only conclusion i have come to is he does not thrieve in crowds!!??!!
Hhhhmmm probably not much help for you, but what azaduhi says makes sence!

azaduhi and fordfiesta - thanks for your excellent reply. i think you are both very perceptive and understand the issues my son is having. he certainly isn't used to big gatherings and he has no siblings. we had a very tearful birthday for him last year (when he turned 3). i had invited loads of friends to our home. he completely freaked out despite being a very confident and independent child, he just couldn't cope with the number of children that suddenly appeared in "his territory". if i had had a party in a big hall, i doubt he would have been as upset as he would not have had to share his toys. all this stuff is a steep learning curve for me as a mother, as i am still learning to undersatnd my son's personality and how i can help him socialise.
i mentioned on the other thread that i am moving him to a new nursery in the next few weeks. i hope things will be better there for him. one good thing about is that it is full of bilingual children from different countries, so perhaps he won't feel so different to everyone else there ? fingers crossed ! we went there for about an hour a few days ago and he instantly joined the other children to paint and play in the garden, etc. and looked very happy there : ) the teachers commented on how bright he is as he knows all his shapes and colours in english, never taught by me, but learned from watching tv ! he did not appear to have any communication problems.