What to do??????

[yummymummy123]

Hi all!
I have ds(who's white) and dd(who's half Indian).
dd is the result of a fling I had while separted from dh,we are now back together.DD's biological father doesnt want anything to do with her(which is fine by me as she's got her daddy-dh loves her to bits!)But the thing is he hasn't told his family about dd. I dont know what to do about this as I feel it should be their right to choose whether or not they they want to see dd,also I would like her to be in contact with her Indian roots.
I have never met his family although I do know where they live.
Would it be right to just turn up on their doorstep declaring they have a granddaughter? I dunno if I could.
I have also recently found out he has now got another daughter(for whom he does take responsablity for)who is only 7mths younger than dd(10mths).
ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!

I don't think it is a good idea to tell his parents without his consent. Best to pitch the idea to him and see what he says. Unfortunately as he does not want anything to do with dd, he probably will not want his own parents involved. Do you have any indian friends who are willing to help out?

I agree with Yingers. I don't think that it would be a good idea to just turn up. It's my hope that dd's dad will want to see his daughter in the future, and if you were to turn up unannounced then that would probably spoil any chance of that happening. Sorry, I have no experience of this, but I just want to say how glad I am that your dd has a daddy(your dh) who really cares for her. She's a lucky girl.

Not sure if this will help. DD1 is now 24, she was 8 months old when I met DH. We lived together from almost immediately and once we got married Dh adopted her when she was around five.

Biological daddy was an absolute arse, didn't want anything to do with her from when I was pregnant. He has never told his family of her existence and DH and whilst we have always made sure that DD has always been aware of the arse, we have never said anything bad about him to DD DD finally met the arse when she was about 16.

She tried for around three years to build some sort of relationship with him, finally decided that he was, in fact, 'an arse' and promptly re-named him "The sperm donor". His family still do not know that she exists and she is more than happy with that.

It sounds like your DD has a happy, secure life. I wouldn't try to declare her existence to the biological father's family - that's up to him. IMHO, I'd keep her safe and secure and let her make her own decisions about her heritage when she's old enough - she obviously has yours and your DH's support.

Excellent advice - especially from Joash. Let your dd make the choice for herself if she wants to in the future. Keep her fathers details to hand and in the meantime you and your DH continue happily as you are

He's not allowed to just decide not to take responsibility for her. He should be at least paying you some maintenance, even if he doesn't want a relationship with her or you. I doubt you'll get very far with his parents and you can't force them to take an interest but who cares whether he's told them or not, quite frankly? Your dd exists and I don't see the problem with letting them know. It's the truth and I don't see why you should be protecting his family from it. I think in your position I'd write to them with a picture and leave it up to them. But please don't be disappointed if you don't get a response. At least you will have tried. (My ds from my marriage is half Indian too although our break up was amicable and he does see his father and all his father's side of the family - he's there now in fact!) Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Hi,

Much in the same vein of everyone else, I think you should steer clear of the parents. Of course one can never tell but they may not be as receptive as you imagine, which can be upsetting for you and hurtful for baby.

If he doesnt want diddly to do with his child fine, but I would attempt to get maintenance. Even if you dont want his money, put it in an account and let it sit there until when baby is older she may need it, money is money after all!

How dare he decide which child is worthy of his attention and which is not? I personally dont know how it works but perhaps you could go through the CSA?

Good luck and try to go through with it, some men feel that they can get away with anything and we as women always carry the brunt and soldier on, whilst they are off the hook and as happy as larry. Dont let him is my advice!

Tam x

Thank-you all for the advice!
So the general thinking is to keep the grandparents details to give to dd when she get's older. To be honest I'd rather not get the CSA involved!
I would just like to ask joash how you went about telling your daughter about her biologiacl father? You say that you made sure she was always aware he was about, which is exactly what I want to do.I DON'T want to just one day declare that dh isnt her 'real' daddy.How do you suggest I should go about this?

DH is her real daddy. Many men can father a child, not all become 'Dad'.

My gut instinct saysnot to tell the family, but I wonder if just for your sake when your daughter asks what you did to maintain contact whether you ought to be able to say you tried? Hmmm..

The bigger risk is that the father may turn nasty if you tell. If the family don't want to know then yah boo to them, and your daughter's too young to know now and will appreciate your efforts when she's older.. maybe?