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Multicultural families

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Muslim father hiding things from family

5 replies

N1kla1027 · 14/04/2022 01:52

I have twin girls aged 1, their father is Muslim (we aren't together) he said that his family are very westernised etc (he is - very, more so than me!)
Anyway we have been doing well with the blended family aspect and his family are very involved with the girls. However I've recently found out they have been telling extended family we are married... he has also been telling them he's trying to get back with me...
It's all to save face and I just don't know how to approach it. The girls aren't of any religion nor will they be until they can choose for themselves. Uncomfortable with all the masquerading to save face... any advice appreciated! X

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N1kla1027 · 14/04/2022 01:58

Just to add - they aren't as westernised as he made out, in fact quite the opposite but hey... they love the babies and it's good for them to see different cultures - I just feel a bit blindsided

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fallfallfall · 14/04/2022 02:04

he's not hiding he's lying.
how can you even type that you are doing well with the blended family aspect? make believe and denial. what a horrible foundation on which to raise your children.
advice? correct him, correct the misinformation each and every time, notify all his family and make certain they know the truth.

BakeOffRewatch · 14/04/2022 02:46

I’m only saying this for your awareness, not to attack, but you are very naive. Culture isn’t just things like drinking, praying, food eaten - it’s also family dynamics, obligation. In favour based cultures, individual autonomy is overridden for the greater good of the family unit or social value. It’s complex to navigate as a westernised Muslim who grew up in the culture, let alone someone who has no experience of it. You’re already experiencing the impact of obligation and not discussing or engaging with you, they’re not even doing it with malicious intent which is why you can say they’re really nice, but it’s just default to them not to consult or engage, and it is partly misogynistic and disrespectful to you as they don’t see your input of importance.

So I’m saying you’re so you can own it and recognise this situation for what it is and start setting up really strong boundaries.

Even without the cultural elements, you need to set appropriate boundaries. You’re not a blended family, he is your ex and their should be contact agreements in place.

Don’t worry about your daughters missing out, you and they will make many friends of different cultures that you can mix with on your terms.

It’s really important your daughters have a strong and stable identity and home with you, especially as a result of their mixed heritage.

If you feel you don’t know how to approach all this save face business and find it awkward, it will be even harder for them, as they may be made to feel rejected if they don’t present or act “Muslim” enough. It’s not just about “seeing a different culture”. You need to be aware of the dynamics so you and your daughters don’t suffer from them. Obligation and shame, such as you’ve already experienced with the lying, not telling you, saving face coming above everything else can be used to have a huge impact on you. You don’t want saving face to come above your daughters.

BakeOffRewatch · 14/04/2022 02:50

Sorry I missed a bit in the middle about missing out. His family may make you or your daughters feel like it’s “all or nothing” - if you don’t do it their way, then you’re not family, you’re not Muslim, you’re not one of us etc.

In terms of actual advice on how to deal with it. Start treating him like an ex, arrange contact and maintenance agreement, don’t consider his family your family (they are not), build strong support system with your own family and friends which will be a great solid stable network for your daughters, deal with your ex’s family at a distance, they’re not your business and you aren’t theirs.

Wishing you and your babies the best for the future and lots of happiness and good fortune,

N1kla1027 · 14/04/2022 14:38

Thank you xx

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