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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

upset hindi mother -in-law !

19 replies

pedilia · 21/11/2004 21:18

Help, i am mixed race black/white my husband is asian/fijian and hindu. His mother will not accept me at all, any ideas how to placate ??????

OP posts:

yingers74 · 21/11/2004 21:34

I would be polite to her when you see her but don't go out of your way and try not to let her upset you or get stressed by it. With time she will realise that she must work out something with you and accept the fact that you are her son's wife. Good luck.

Caligula · 21/11/2004 21:37

Pedilia, you can't placate the implacable. If his mother won't accept you only because of your race, then there's nothing you can do about it. I'd second what Yingers says, just be polite and civil and friendly to her, but let DH know that you expect him to prioritise his loyalty to you over that to her.

How does he feel about it?

Original poster

pedilia · 21/11/2004 21:49

Yes i think your right yingers. caligula- he supports me 100% and so have the rest of his family, although he is upset we cannot socialise with her, specially as she has a five week old grandson she has not yet seen.

OP posts:

Caligula · 21/11/2004 21:53

Pedilia, if your DH and the rest of his family are 100% onside, you're going to win this one.

I think that she is hurting herself by not seeing her grandchild, and she is hurting her DS. But as long as he's aware that she's the one causing the problem, you don't need to worry.

What has her excuse been for not seeing her grandson? Inexcusable, imo. Is her DH still alive, by the way, and if so, what does he say about it?

Original poster

pedilia · 21/11/2004 21:56

no dh died five years ago. she won't give a reason as to why but i will hang on there, after all it is her that is missing out.

I am a true believer in the cliche (life is to short) her health is not good so i hope she does not leave it until it is to late.

OP posts:

peskykids · 22/11/2004 19:55

Is it just that you're not Hindu? Or is it coz you is black?!

If it's the former, could you send a card with Hindu greetings and a baby pic to show that you are happy for baby to be brought up Hindu / have exposure to Hindu religion etc. (If your partner isn't practising Hindu maybe this isn't acceptable anyway)

If it's the latter well, frankly, she's just WRONG!!! Presumably she thinks you've stolen her son away, not an unusual position for a MIL in itself I suppose. It is intolerable though, for you and your partner with split loyalties all round. You have my sympathies even if I can't come up with any good ideas... Soz!

Original poster

pedilia · 22/11/2004 21:56

thanks peskykids, I think it is because of the religion and race. kinda come to the conclusion there is nothing more I can do. Her loss hey !!!

OP posts:

yingers74 · 23/11/2004 14:36

absolutely!

peskykids · 23/11/2004 19:33

I actually think that after you have made reasonable efforts to address the issue you can (religion) but are still being rebuffed then you're going to have to stop. A lot of this will rest with how your partner deals with it (most partners seem to behave like an ostrich but maybe yours is different!)

You wouldn't pander to anyone else with racist views, whether generational, cultural, or simply ignorant - they're still wrong. Being one's MIL does not make it acceptable... you are a person not a punchbag! And you're totally right - it's her loss - of son, daughter in law, and grandchild.

Original poster

pedilia · 23/11/2004 19:51

thanks guys, I have tried and getting nowhere so I think i'll give up now. DH is a star and has told her and others that his family comes first whether they like it or not. I do think it's a shame that DS will miss out on the asian side of his family.

OP posts:

stitch · 23/11/2004 20:09

any marriage with mixed cultures is difficult. amd all mil s are difficutl.
i was going to suggest that you giv e birth to a boy as soometimes this does placate asian mil's, but since she cant be bothered to see her grandson, well, she is losing out. the only thing you can do is to keep you and your dh happy and concentrate on that. be polite and civil as you would to any stranger. other thanthat, just concentrate on your own familyu.

i dont understand why women can be such cows to their dil's. my mil is pretty bad, but she has at least seen her grandkids...

Original poster

pedilia · 23/11/2004 20:26

stitch,

i think she feels i 'stole' her son, he has always done a lot for her and still would if she would accept us as a family. even her mother accepts me and she is in her eighties !!!

OP posts:

stitch · 23/11/2004 20:49

if even her mother accepts her, then she is just a jealous cow.
but, i know some people have suggested that you can 'win this one' cant remember who, i just want to say that you cant. dont make your dh choose between her and yourself. she is making things difficult enough. and she is his mother. if he is ok to not see her, then how do you know he wont be nasty to you later in life?
my dad always said that a man who does not take careof his mother, will not take care of his wife..

if you stop him from doing things for her, then eventually he will decide it is your fault, even though your mil is the vindictive cow. so for your own sake, dont try to 'win' him from her. and if you are anything other than civil and polite to her, then she will think that she is correct in her opinion.

sorry, just speaking about my own experience

Original poster

pedilia · 23/11/2004 21:08

totally agree with you, i have only ever shown her respect and would never make him choose, it's just difficult.
there have been occasions when i have said hello to her and she has totally ignored me.

i feel a bit sorry for her really cos she is the one missing out, but doesn't help herself she point blank refused to come to our wedding and has made it clear i am not welcome in her house, which dh actually owns !!

OP posts:

Caligula · 23/11/2004 21:26

Still following this thread, it's fascinating! Pedilia when I said you can win this one, I don't mean winning in the sense of winning your DH from his mother, I agree with what Stitch is suggesting, that his relationship with his mother is extrememly important and of course you shouldn't ever be like her and try and make him choose - that's the guaranteed way to lose.

By win, I mean that you'll keep your family together with you in charge of your own household. As long as your DH sees you being tolerant, forbearing, accepting and dignified, and his mother being selfish, petty and mean, you're winning all the way. Sometimes it might feel like you're losing - like when she blanks you when you say hello - but try and make sure that when she does that, your DH witnesses it. He'll know who's in the wrong. Make sure she always is and you never are. That's how you win.
Best of luck to you, it's a bloody long haul!

stitch · 23/11/2004 21:43

caligula, i wish someone had given me the advice you just gave pedilia eight years ago! would have saved me a great deal of heartache if i had been strong enoughto follow it.
but we live and learn

yingers74 · 23/11/2004 21:45

hello all, just wanted to say again good luck. i do think that with time things will get better and at worst at least you and dh will feel less upset about her behaviour.

Original poster

pedilia · 24/11/2004 09:44

thanks again guys,nice to know i am not the only one, seems to be quite a few gripes regarding mil, although i am sure there are some lovely ones out there.

OP posts:

piccolamamma · 06/06/2006 23:43

i know its not the same and it doesnt suit some people but where i/my family need people who can't/don't want to be there i ask other people to fill in. so some of my friends are my honoury sisters - because i don't have any. its not the same but we are very close and our families are very close - sometimes we spend easter/christmas together. then my aunt doesn't like her mother actually they don't like each other. so she has friend around her mother's age who she spends time with like she'd do with her mother if they did get on. some of my mum's friends dont have kids so my and my kids are like their 'sort of' niece and great niece so no ones lonely!
:)

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