First racist comment - do you have zero tolerance or let some go for an easy life?

[bahKewcHumbug]

Was out with DS and rest of the family on Boxing Day down in brighton. DS (2) being his usual charming self and sayng "bye-bye" and waving at everyone he meets. Group of drunk but jolly men walking down road, one says something along the lines of "hello happy litle fella" and his mate says "hello littel chink".

I was so startled I was at a loss to know what to say and realised that I need to prepare for this a bit better for the future as I doubt it will be the last comment . I could hear his friend (who could see I had heard and was shocked) telling him off and just decided to walk away.

Those with older children - do you have zero tolerance to all remarks you think are racist or do you let the "smaller" go. I don't want to let DS (when he's aware of whats going on) to think I believe any remarks like this are justified but I also don;t want him to be embarrassed by me making a scene when it happens.

Advice from older and wiser hands required...

Horrible for you and for him if he was aware. On NY day I heard two drunks jeering at an old lady (who had Nora Batty type tights and very very swollen ankles) asking her if she had pissed herself. I think it's a mistake to think that their ignorance is racially motivated. Poor them really, their lives must be so small and limited.

M&J out of interest are you in the London area? If so, I know a few women who have DC's by DI with no father in their life. Can put you in touch if you are local - in fact we are having lunch on Sunday...

Sorry you bumped into the drunk tosser but good that his friend was telling him off.

I'm from the North and have always known 'chink' is a racist word. And IIRC on that thread, there wasn't a North/South divide. I think it was quite positive in the end as people who didn't realise how bad it was saw the light - some of them only associated it with food and didn't know it was a term of abuse directed at people.

Can't really advise on best way to handle it as I'm white but that word is a particular flash point for me as my best friend is British of Chinese descent. (Obviously object to racists insults full stop, too.) When we were young and going out a lot supposed 'compliments' from drunks who clearly had a particular image of Chinese women were a more common issue than out and out abuse.

I agree Anchovy - I think the comment was stupid rather than nasty. Though unltimately I think racism underlies either type of comment, how to deal with them I guess should vary. In some ways sheer nastiness is easier to deal with IM(limited)E, stupid commetns make you want to be kinder to the person if they really didn;t mean it. But at the end of the day my responsibility is to my DS - he won't always be a cute 2 yr old and I'm guessing there with be more racism to deal with when he is a less cute teenager. Particularly with a boy, I'm always worried that if you can;t teach them to adequately deal with this kind of thing that there is a tendancy for things to get physical (as someone mentioned below).

Do agree I need an arsenal of retorts which I need to practice, just had hoped not to need to practice them so soon.

On my adoption course they said that there wasn;t a single parent who had a DC of a different race who hadn't had to deal with some degree of racism at some point. The difficulty of a white parent is that you really don;t have any experience to fall back on. Interestingly one of the indian ethnic women on our course said that her (indian ethnic) parents had always turned the other cheek and as a result she was equally clueless when it came to dealing with racism! She always said she wished her parents had taught her to handle it better.

kewcumber, what you say about adoption is really interesting.

My sis is having a baby on Monday and will have to think about some of this as she is white and her husband is Indian. He was brought up in India and so was not "different" until he was an adult so there may be some stuff his child will come across that he cannot help her with from his own experience. He actually has a very "turn the other cheek" attitude - my sister gets angrier than he does. It's very interesting to read about how others handle this.

I am in London and always up for meeting other feckless, irresponsible single mothers

hi margo - just to let you know that there is an oasis of feckless single mothers in Balhma n sunday - 11 mothers with offspring - 9 from DI and 2 adopted. Ages ranging fom about 12 motnhs ro about 6yrs. Meet up for lunch in each others houses about every 6 weeks in teh London area. Mostly us mums are 35-45...

Email me on suejonez at aol dot com and I'll get you on the emailing list.

How old is you DD/DS?

I always think the best response to ignorant comments like that is to draw attention to them, and show your contempt for the person who made them.

So something along the lines of "What do you mean chink? Chink of light? Chink in his armour? Chink in the curtains? Chink chink chink chink chinkin, lay a little egg for me?"

this is a tough one - it is difficult not to answer back when one hears racist abuse, even when it is meant in jest.

i think the problem is children learn to react the way their parents do. if you make mixed race or immigrant children super-sensitive to these comments, it can lead to problems i feel when they go to school. it is very dfficult to be selective though, i.e. deciding ON THE SPOT what to reply to and what not to. ds, dh and i are white, but we are not european. i was the subject of racist bullying at school when i first came to the UK as a child, it helped me develop a sharp tongue which was useful. it always ended up in my making sarcastic replies to defend myself. it helped that the teachers always back me up though.

my concern would be with ds getting into physical fights though at school or elsewhere. so i guess what i am trying to do it help him understand that he must be proud of his heritage and to stand his ground, but not to be aggressive about it as it is counter-productive.

i don't know whether this makes sense ? i do worry about bullying at schools an awful lot and if you see the thread i have started in the "Education" topic (Waldorf Steiner Schools) you will see that i pulled my son out of his school a few months ago due to racism/favouritism practised by the staff.

what i won't tolerate is institutionalised racism at a school or in the work place, but i do quite often let stupid racist comments/jokes from people pass as i treat them as sheer ignorance on the part of the person who says it.

How not to do it. The scene: a North West London church yard in the late 70's. My friend (white) and I (mixed race), both young children were sitting on a bench in the sunshine when a man sitting nearby called me a n*er. When I got home and told my mum (who had a tendency to be volatile) she went nuts, made me tell her where the man was and marched off to the church yard to confront the man...with a kitchen knife in her handbag. I was terrified but she came home later reporting he had said sorry and quaked in his boots (I wonder why). My parents were both advocates of the be proud of who you are school which was how I tended to respond when confronted with racism. I have to admit to secretly feeling proud that my mum was prepared to go to such lenghths to stick up for me but would never suggest taking such action. Drunks are unpredictable...

On the upside, did I see mention of feckless, irresponsible mothers Margo and Kewcumber? I'm not a single mum but was beginning to think I was the only one who hadn't grown up yet!

Isn't it amazing, Love2dance. What would possess a grown man to insult a small child like that? Your mum sounds brilliant.

Glad to meet another feckless mother on here!