Please bare with me this will be long, but I really need some neutral opinion. I am married to Pakistani and we have 2 daughters (4 and 1). My question is if it is really tradition that MIL has big role in raising grandchildren and most of the chores are up to her? Basically does she have bigger role in children's life and mother is busy with other things and not taking care of her children? Why I am asking this is that when our second daughter was about to be born my husband invited his mother from Pakistan to live with us for 9 months and "help", I was thinking that she would help with home chores like cleaning and making food etc., But it all ended with situation that my husband was taking newborn to his mother as soon as she started to cry and fuss and not giving me chance to calm her down. And as a result my daughter was not getting calm down with me only with them as I had problems with breastfeeding she was crying even at my breast. And when I was playing more with my eldest my husband was accusing me that I neglect and ignore my newborn. It all put me in a very bad mental state and I even started to think that my newborn hates me. When I was sharing and arguing about this with my husband he usually said that I am racist that hates his mother, crazy and imagining things because daughter in any case is at night with me so they are not taking over just trying to help because I am struggling and if I have any problems they will not even touch my children so I can do everything on my own. Yes I was struggling, but I also was struggling with my first daughter, but there I had chance to learn how to calm her down and meet her needs. Basically what they did totally shattered my confidence as mother. Things got better when they got Covid and were in a bad shape, so I was taking care of my both children alone.
After that things kinda improved I could take care of my children and they really were there just to help with children (all house chores still on me, his mother cleaned house only couple of times during her stay). basically it all just suck out all my energy, confidence (I was even afraid to go out with my youngest) and all the time under pressure that baby is crying because my husband was standing in the doors ready to take her away. I understand that it's my problem and I should have been more active, but I just couldn't. Than she left and things kinda got back to normal (not between us with husband, I am thinking that I should divorce him, but I am afraid he might take children away (he and his mother was telling me that they met with one of my husband's friends and he was openly encouraging them to take children to Pakistan because I am treating my husband very bad (it is true we have many problems and I am not proud of that) and it is easy as his brother has done it. Basically they were telling me that to show how "good" he is that he is not doing it (his word's). Now she is coming back and again for 9 or even more months and I am dreading it already. I am so stressed out about it and just paying out different scenarios in my mind. Basically what my husband once said when I shared that I don't feel comfortable to live with his mother for so long is that I "give up" too easy because my reaction was to "flee" mentally and try to avoid her by leaving room, place where she is. And that they are just there to help and that I have to accept cultural context it is how things are done in Pakistan traditionally, mother's leave their children to dadi and do their things. But I can't I just don't feel comfortable and I can't get over that experience that I had one year ago. And doesn't help that my husband is all the time pointing out that our second daughter is so outgoing and friendly with him thanks to that they both were taking care of her. My MIL is not evil or bad or anything, if have to spend short period of time with her she is pleasant woman with her weirdneses, but all of us has those, but I just can't live with her for so long time, I feel so much pressure when she is there, like she is always listening and judging (I know I sound crazy). I just don't understand how not to "give up" so easily.