my husband was jamaican and i am sikh indian

[marigirl]

my family reacted very badly - big showdown with my dad threatening to "kill him" we haven't spoken properly for about 4 years now also have a 7 month old son. why do indians have to be so racist against black people?

You say 'was' Jamaican. Are you still together?

D'you know what,it's always been the way as far as I know.

Some of my best friends are Sikh Indian: we played together as kids, were always round at each others houses, we grew up like family.

If they were then to go on and go out with someone black however, that was always a different story. A Sikh friend told me that there was a hierarchy for potential husbands: lower caste was bottom of the pile
but black was worse!

That said, I've heard West Indians say some pretty racist things about Asians, white people, Africans, fellow Caribbeans...

Easier said than done, but hang in there.

i didn't even realise i had written"was" jamaican - very sharp of you lyrasilvertongue! my husband died after a short illness before our son was born. makes it harder to reconcile with family now as they never even met him.

thankx 4 ur words of support rustie - yes i know about the hierarchy of potential husbands - my mother made sure she drilled it into me. i was thinking about trying to go down a family counsellor route - or there's always jeremy kyle!!

hiya, firstly would like to say im very sorry to hear the sad news of you dh ,i hope you have support around around you.

im bengali and my partner is jamaican and we have 2 dc together. i havent spoken to my dad or y older brother since around 2003 and my sister and i just couldnt maintain a good relationship as she just kept on at me to get dp to convert to islam which was not going to happen with him being christian and me not being muslim. My younger brothers were told to forget about me and my youngest brother doesnt even remember me.

sometimes when i think about them i get really upset because i just feel like a bit of me is missing and thinking will i ever be truely happy with them not in my life.

But dp and i are very happy together and our dc are loved by his family, i would not want them to be made to feel like they are not wanted, which my family would do!

When i told my sister i was pregnant by him, she told me why couldnt i have at least fallen pregnant with a white guy!

unfortuntely this view is held by many young asian aswell as the elder and i think it will take time for them to aknowledge that some members of the community do not hold the same views as them.

hey prettymum- yes i understand ur situation - the whole brother and sister thing i too do not talk to two of my sisters now in addition to parents - also not in touch with niece and nephews. i do not think asians will ever change but my friend told me that there is a sikh girl she knows and her parents accepted her black husband and they were very traditional family - it is not impossible - i often think it is because my parents did not love me enough to see past this.

i dont think its that they dont love you, its just that unfortunately in most asian families the reputation of a family means more to them than theyre own child!!

its soo stupid but thats how it is, and the only way my family could ever accept me back and accept my partner is if we say we're muslim which im not going to do, i dont want to teach my children that they have to alter theyre views so that they can be accepted.

do you live far from your family? how are your dhs family like?

i speak to my mum on the phone time to time, she ends up crying and telling me why did i do all this and i just have to get off the phone.

dont think there is anything that can be doneaboutthis.
although perhaps now that he is no longer around, you may be able to see them, but if your child looks at all like his father, then steel yourself for more crap from them.

how do you fight racism in your own family? i doubt it can be done.

I'm sorry about your lost Marigirl. Do you receive support from your DH's family?

My family background is Jamaican and one of my female cousins was married to a Hindu man. She left after six weeks because they treated her like a slave (they lived with his family).

I also have a Sikh friend whose mother has not seen his sister for over 10 years because she married a Jamaican. My friend visits her but does not let his family know.

This ostracisation happens a lot because, in my experience (from Birmingham), many Asians, especially the older geneation, regard black people as inferior to them, to the point that in some shops, they don't even like taking money from you in case they come into contact with you. Pathetic really.

Hi there. I think you'll find racism and prejudice among all races and cultures. Some people - particularly the older generation - just can't deal with difference or 'otherness' in their own families. I think it seems particularly acute in Asian families (not just Indian Sikh) because those communities tend to be quite close-knit and strongly bonded through their culture, language and religion. Parents tend to want their children to conform and make them proud or at least not shame them by doing anything that seems outside of the norms of their culture.

I have an Indian Hindu friend who has been disowned by her family because she a) had a baby outside of wedlock and b) he was black Jamaican and a 'cradle Christian' who had converted to Islam (!!). However, I also have a Jewish friend who's parents are very unhappy about her marriage to a Scottish Catholic, and an Irish friend who's dad doesn't speak to her anymore because she married and had kids with a Jamaican guy. Prejudice is everywhere. It must be very difficult for you. I can''t really imagine how difficult, so I'm not in a position to offer advice, but you do have my sympathies

Hi everyone

I am a muslim woman married to a black man from Monserrat. It took my mum years to come into terms with this relationshiop but we persevered as we wanted to be with each other and fortunately for us we succeeded it convincing my family that he was the right man for me.

I sympathize with people who had and still have such bad experiences. Though it is still difficult at times for me or him to fit in each other families we are happy as we are able to talk things through as a couple.

I would love to meet and talk or email those ladies who are in similar situation to create a support network.

hi larina - i think a support network is a really great idea and would be up for it.