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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

Should I speak up when people mention my son's skin colour?

13 replies

Rvrob22 · 15/08/2020 18:36

Hi all,

I'm a single parent to a 3 year old DS. I am white, and my son's father is Arab. I raise my son on my own, without his father's involvement so it's difficult to educate my son on his father's culture as only my family is involved. I try my best. My son is a beautiful colour - but I get a lot of comments about "look how tanned you are", and a woman the other day tried to help whilst he was having a tantrum and said "you don't need to be upset look at how beautifully tanned you are". I know no one is being malicious (there have been some incidences of racism but I know the above aren't them - I. E. "what mix is this one then?" and "has he got a bit of something in him?“), but I do feel upset sometimes about these comments. My son isn't white, he isn't tanned, he is mixed race with beautiful skin. If he was not mixed race, I doubt anyone would ever comment "you don't need to feel upset look how white/black you are".

I would love to get opinions on how others would handle the situation, or how parents of mixed race children (or anyone who has had someone comment on their child's skin, handle the situation? I have at times said "he's not tanned, his dad is Arab so he's a lovely mix between the both of us", but I get these comments very regularly so I often just smile and say thanks. I just want my son to be proud of his colour and heritage, and if he wants a response to people in future, what is the best response to suggest to him?!

OP posts:

Chilver · 15/08/2020 18:39

How weird, I would never comment on a child's skin colour and/ or!!

Could you just say 'that's not a tan, its his skin colour' along with a pointed look?

Original poster

Rvrob22 · 15/08/2020 19:08

I know, that's what I think! I am very pale so I obviously look different to him, but what kind of mother would I be to let my child sit and get a sun tan when I don't myself?! I don't know if it's because there aren't a lot of arab/white mixed children? But I'm in Manchester so it is a very multicultural area so I don't know if I'm even correct in saying that!? I just now get these comments so regularly (4 times last week, twice this week - even his new nursery manager said it the other day!! ) that it's got me wondering what the best way is to respond to this! I like your idea of saying that, but I also don't want to come across rude as I know it's not malicious, but the same time, especially whilst there is so much conversation about racism currently, I don't think it's appropriate to comment on the colour of anyone's skin, especially if you don't know them personally or their cultural background.

OP posts:

alittleisland · 15/08/2020 19:15

My husband is Egyptian and my two boys have olive skin that goes very dark when they're outdoors a lot. They have been told lots of time that they have a lovely tan and I've never felt offended by it all because they DO have a lovely skin colour. They speak two languages fluently and are very proud of their heritage, the pyramids, Ancient Egyptian history but especially Mo Salah lol. Ever since they were little I've said lots of positive things about being mixed such as 'Wow! How lucky are you to have two nationalities!' and about how clever the Ancient Egyptians were etc. I don't know what Arab country your ex was from, but could you get some children's books set in Arab countries etc, and keep telling him how wonderful it is to be mixed. My boys see it as nothing but a positive thing and handled the right way, I'm sure you DS can too, even though his Dad isn't around. Good luck xxx

PaulinePetrovaPosey · 15/08/2020 19:20

My DD has a similar mix, and I quite often get asked 'where's her daddy from?'.

They tend to look suitably embarrassed when I answer 'Ealing'.

Original poster

Rvrob22 · 15/08/2020 19:33

@alittleisland - that's what I want, so I feel like if I smile and say thanks, am I ignoring that he is not a tanned white child, but a mixed race child? I am not offended personally but with an increasing frequency of comments I have been contemplating it more. My DS's father is Tunisian, he teach him what I can about food, some Arabic words etc if I can. He does see his dad once a fortnight for 2 hours (his dad's choice!) so part of me does think it's his dad's responsibility to teach him, but he doesn't.

OP posts:

alittleisland · 15/08/2020 19:44

@Rvrob22
I can honestly say that in all the times it's been said to my boys, I don't think it was ever said with any malice. Also when people have asked is there is 'something else there', I've proudly replied 'Yes. Egyptian'.
I definitely think it is down to you ex to be making sure he knows and is proud of his Tunisian side and shame on him for only giving two hours of his time a fortnight for nurturing that pride. I think if anything is going to make your son confused about his heritage it is the limited time his Dad is giving him. You are doing great. Personally I would not bite at those comments but I'd be very likely to bite and bite hard if anyone spoken ill of Arab people or Muslims in my presence. I would just concentrate on his self-esteem around his heritage. When he's a bit older get a globe and show him where Tunisia is, show him the flag and find out some interesting stories about Tunisia and famous people from there. Tell him how very lucky he is to be part Tunisian! What a lucky boy? He's lucky to have a Mum like you who cares, all will be well xxx

Original poster

Rvrob22 · 15/08/2020 19:49

@alittleisland thank you! I am raising him to be proud of himself and whoever he grows up to be. I just want to empower him to have the best answers he can if he ever wants to answer himself.

OP posts:

LashesZ · 15/08/2020 19:53

My DP is Arab and our DD has lovely olive skin, big brown eyes and thick eyelashes just like her dad (so so jealous). I often get asked her "mix", but there is no malice - she looks beautifully exotic.

langkaw · 15/08/2020 19:58

Half Tunisian here. There's not very many of us and I think people are very confused by how we present there aren't very many Arabs in the UK. I get a lot of questions about where I'm from and it's actually quite rude and intrusive, especially when you're a child. It's a weird thing for a child to have to satisfy other people's curiosity about their skin colour. It always used to make me feel awkward.

Original poster

Rvrob22 · 15/08/2020 20:05

@langkaw - thanks for your perspective!! What did you respond with when you were younger? He has brunette/blondish hair and blue/green eyes so the colouring of my features but just the dark olive skin. Obviously I think he's very beautiful but I do think he looks "different to the norm" of what people see or expect.

OP posts:

langkaw · 15/08/2020 20:09

I think I just got very embarassed! I was a child in the '80s growing up in a small town which was v racist so I was often very evasive. I'm proud to announce my roots now though. I'm very dark so the Tunisian genes are strong!

1Micem0use · 16/08/2020 22:51

I get the same thing with my DS, white and black Caribbean. Annoys me no end. It's his skin, not a tan! To one lady I said, thank you but it's not a tan, his dads black. To which she said oh! I wish I had an all year round tan like that! Honestly, some people are beyond dim.

RedRumTheHorse · 17/08/2020 14:34

@PaulinePetrovaPosey

My DD has a similar mix, and I quite often get asked 'where's her daddy from?'.

They tend to look suitably embarrassed when I answer 'Ealing'.

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