Well, we've got some big old cultural differences going on here

[mumsville]

My UK mixed (with asian), dh from southern europe. We live in UK. Since ds born dh and his family on huge power trip. The classic where mil came over for 3 weeks soon after birth and was a nightmare with me. And we've seen her 3 times in 12 months - so she's doing pretty well here considering she lives abroad and doesn't like to trave.

DH has now said twice he wants to take ds who is still a baby over to see his sick father (sick father aka - his estranged and abusive father who is merely having a blood test). First time he announced his intention and I just said no (baby blah blah). He was upset but looked visibly shaken and I really thought he realised he'd gone too far in trying to please his mum.

DS sick last week. So my mum came over to help. DH got jealous (not that he would help) and again to day went on about taking ds to this other country and how it would help me.

My parents until recently were very proud of their grandchild being half whatever. His family can't stand the thought that their granchild is also English and Indian. Anyone had a similar problem.

I mean - dh thinks it's a competition but can you beleive pils have seen more of my ds than my parents who live in the same country so I really don't see what the problem is.

Stand firm & tell him you'll happily (??!) visit his parents when the DS is better & older, or his dad can come over for a SHORT visit when he's well again as long as he behaves himself.

If his father was abusive & his mother domineering then it sounds like your DH could have issues from his childhood. Be loving but point out you don't want history repeating itself.

Easy for me to say , I hope it settles down for you

My inlaws also have issues about "their grandchild" being mixed. no real advice just wanted to sayyou are not alone.... i have ranted loads about mine so wont bore you but i guess you just could just start planning a trip (for a few years time) i.e start saving for it etc so DH sees you are committed to going but at a more realistic time.

is he wantign you to travel to the european country or the asian country as the timescale thing will depend alot on that i guess.

They are European in the EU.

Asia is the off the cards - it hasn't happened in the 15 years we've been together and I wanted to take ds when older to see his heritage I'm sure wouldn't find the time to come and wouldn't let us go on our own.

It's so petty - dh keep buying him food by his nationality companies and when in his country they keep going on about he's a national of their country (he's not actually).

The mixed thing - ds is light skinned european looking but is completely in love with my mum which drives them all nuts and I think that's where the non acceptance comes from. And he's got my mum's black eyes.

I don't push my culture and way of living down their throat but I sure as hell wish they would do it to me from overseas when I'm in my country of birth. As is my ds!

Im still awaing call from MIL so I can explain how NOT ON it is to try and organise a child to be taken away from his mum over the head of the mum!

Very quick as got to go but could it be misunderstanding rather than delberate on their part? i.e. in many Indian cultures the family pitch in and look after children etc and expect to take part in the upbringing, it's not a criticism, it's just done.

No more time but I used to think ex mil (Indian, lived here for 35 years) was interferring now I realise (and accept and love)that's she's just mad about her grandson and now I make the most of it, we have a very close relationship although I;m divorced from Indian ex dh but we're still good friends and I still consider his family my family. 3 times a year doesn't sound excessive to me.

Agree that in many Asian cultures helping with the upbringing is part of the culture.

The problem that I have is that I explain that altho I understand that (my father comes from a similar background, altho not Asian) my ideas and values are different and they also need to respect that, and I think that is the problem that you are having. The bottom line really should be that the parents decide and not the grandparents. It is wrong that she went over your head whichever way you look at it.

I should point out i am very biased as I have had a very very uphill struggle with my ILs. But completely sympathise.

Oh no I'm mixed asian and UK. My dh and HIS family are from other eu country and it's they who are making absolutely huge problems.

My mum is Asian and is as cool as a cucumber and I'm so grateful for her support.

It's my european mil and dh who are difficult and don't really accept US!

Yep my ds is very light skinned but has my mum's eyes - but they're just grateful he's very light skinned. We just don't care - but it's all the cultural stuff they ram down our throats!

My mil is highly manipulative and wants ds brought up in her culture. Yep, he should understand their traditions but they need to understand

1. multiculturalism
2. he's not being brought up in the middle of deepest rural whereever but in the middle of bloody London and I'll bring him up accordingly!