Confused about my feelings towards MIL

[TeenyQueen]

Trying to keep this short. My MIL is Hong Kong Chinese and speaks very poor English. She's always been shy and quiet and a bit strange but I've always treated her with politeness. We're not close and DH isn't that close to her either.

Since our baby was born I've struggled to decide how to feel about her. I was expecting her to be a shy around the baby and thought MIL would politely ask to hold her but that she'd mainly just 'observe'. I was wrong. From the minute she arrived she wanted the baby, I struggled to actually get her back for feeds and nappy changes. She'd wait for me at the bottom of the stairs in the morning to take the baby and tried to come into the bedroom at night when the baby was crying. I was really anxious throughout the visit. I'd been happy for Mil to show her love for the baby by holding the baby occasionally but ultimately having some boundaries.

When MIL came back for another visit the baby didn't want MIL to hold her, she'd only be happy if me or DH held her. It seemed that MIL didn't really understand this and kept constantly trying to hold her, clap her hands loudly in her face and shout DD's name (loudly). I'm actually quite pleased we're in a lockdown because MIL definitely can't visit us. I'm really conflicted about how to feel about her, I'm happy DD has a loving granny but I can't let go of how MIL's visits have made me feel. I'm also conflicted because
A. By DH's account MIL's parenting was questionable at best, dangerous at worst. For instance she often left DH alone in the house to look after two younger siblings when he was just 9, my SIL was just a baby at a time.

B. She is generally a kind lady but a bit hapless, for instance she got lost in our hometown walking down a straight road, she can't drive to the train station in her hometown that she's lived in for the past 30 years. I wouldn't trust her to look after DD on her own.

C. MIL has another older grandchild that she's not really bothered about because my SIL doesn't really keep in touch with her mum. Still, DN is 6 and doesn't get birthday cards, Christmas cards etc, MIL actually makes no effort to try to have a relationship with her grandson even though SIL has arranged for them to meet.

MIL doesn't seem to know how to interact with children e.g. clapping in DD's face and because she doesn't really speak English I don't know how she'll communicate with DD when she's bigger as DH isn't planning to teach DD Chinese. I'm also wondering what will happen if my other SIL has a baby, will MIL lose all interest in DD?

I have left DH completely in charge of managing visits and communication with MIL, but I've decided that she'll never be left alone with DD because I just don't trust her.

Why can't you just step up and make boundaries clear to her? When she claps in the baby's face tell her firmly not to etc. Have either of you actually spoken to her about it, properly?

I thinks it's really sad her father won't teach her the language, it will cut her off from a lot of the history and culture of China. Very sad.

I can't really talk to her because of the language barrier, I think she either doesn't understand me or pretends not to understand. I did ask DH to tell her off about the clapping and she stopped for a bit. I just think MIL only thinks about what she wants to do e.g. she wants DD's attention constantly she wants to have a picture with DD, rather than what suits DD in that moment.

Re not teaching her Chinese, DH works very long hours and when things go back to normal eventually he'll only see her for an our or two a day during the week. English is his main language so he said he'd rather bond with DD in English since he gets so little time to spend with her. I speak two languages and I'm teaching DD my native language, but obviously I'm with her all the time, my parents speak English fluently so they'll be able to speak to her regardless. SiL hasn't taught her DS any Chinese but he does understand Chinese culture.

I think it's a cultural thing as that is exactly what my mum does (she is Chinese). It doesn't help with the language barrier but explain to your DH that your child doesn't like loud noises and could he tell his mum to not clap or shout so loudly. I think the problem is more your DH needs to step in and explain to his mum the ground rules around your baby as it is his mother. You can politely explain to him that when you feel it's appropriate for his mum can hold the baby you will offer and that she needs to wait for your cue rather than diving straight in. Unfortunately many Chinese people are notoriously loud and can come across very rude (DH is used to my family gatherings now!) and babies are a big deal. Do you have a boy or a girl?

Why not teach her Mandarin? Being bi-lingual is a fantastic gift to give s child. You are cutting her off from her heritage.

Just be kind and explain to your MIL not to make loud noises. Or ask your DP to do so if she can't speak English.