help me help a friend

[medic1994]

I am helping someone with some medical issues. eg going to the doctor etc.

She is from a VERY conservative background.
She married a British bloke a few years ago (arranged) so she is thousands of miles away from her own parents/family.
She is learning English and she is very clever although uneducated.
The husband is a complete waste of space. Wont go to the doctors with her, even though he was brought up her and speaks perfect English. Tells her she is stupid.
His mother sounds awful. She told her off the other day for going shopping with me in the city centre. It is unseemly apparently.
She runs around after MIL and FIL like a slave.
The problem is (I think) she wants to integrate in the UK but husband and his family are so conservative.
She desperately misses her parents, and speaks to them one a week.
I suggested she could be a translator at a womens ward at a hospital and she says she would like to do it but the family would kick up.
She would never leave him and go back home as she thinks it would bring shame on the family, so it is a case of making the best of it here.
I know I am imposing a western belief on to her to an extent, but she is so unhappy.

What could I do to help?
Opinions gratefully received.

I think you need to encourage her to make more ’respectable’ female friends within her community (ideally uni educated or working women if possible - the wives of doctors / bank managers / other successful professionals ) as her mil and dh will be less likely to view those friendships as suspicious or negatively and may even encourage her to follow the same path.

She will be more respected by her in laws when she works, but to be allowed she needs respectable female role models in her own community. Families need to mix too as it’s likely her mil doesn’t have friends outside her family circle either - so mixing and meeting with other mils / families can often lead to improvements.

Hi Grumpy,
I am trying to find some suitable people like that. She is very shy.
I think they see me as a bad influence on her. Even though I am taking her to doctors, hospital appointments etc. They cannot be bothered to do it!
I have never been a bad influence on someone before! I always thought I was very straight laced. I must have been wrong.

I'm not really sure how you can help her if she is unwilling to leave her husband and the family are unwilling to let her do any of the things she wants to do. Obviously the family need to change their attitude and help her integrate here and support her in finding a job or other activities that interest her but I think the chances of the family changing their attitude are slim. However if you think you know a way of making the family change their attitude then by all means try and talk to them.

Apart from that I think the only thing you could do is try and make her see that in the UK there is no stigma attached to leaving her husband and she shouldn't be afraid to take that step if that is what she wants to do. Maybe you could try to find out about organisations that help and support women in your area and give her the contact details so she can contact them if she wants to.

Do you know anyone else from her country/community? Can you put her in contact with other people who share her culture who might be able to introduce her to hobbies and socialise with her in a way that would be more acceptable to her family? For example my local mosque quite often arrange community meals or trips for the children and are always looking for an extra pair of hands to help out. If she could get involved with something like that it would give her the chance to meet people and hopefully integrate herself a bit more.

What community / city is she from? Where you find these women does depend on where you are. I have a few links I could provide you for specific cities.

I would also suggest, kindly, that things may not be translating well. To give you examples from my (Indian) community:

1. Women from my part of India won’t ever say anything good about their dh / in laws (and may even focus on the bad) to avoid ‘jinxing’ the relationship. I have fallen into the trap of helping women within my family in India with domestic abuse when in reality nothing of the sort was happening.

1. Women from my part of India often find it difficult to adjust to living independently in the UK. They are often used to maids / cooks etc and may struggle with basic household tasks in the UK. If we add on the fact that she is also uneducated - then she may have certain expectations of her in laws that might be reasonable in her Community (ie taking her to all appointments by car / driving etc) but might not be realistic in the UK where people generally work far less flexible hours and public transport is expensive.

1. In some communities it’s really rare for British men to marry uneducated women from their home country (a uni degree and semi-fluent English is a pre-requisite for marriage to a non-resident person of that community) and it generally only happens when the bride or her parents have lied or, to put it bluntly, the DH is either gay / or has problems which may find it difficult for them to get an educated wife. It’s very possible her DH was forced into the marriage harder than she was but because he’s the man he’s able to neglect her now. She needs a woman from her community to help her unpick all of this.

I think you are right in so many ways Grumpy.
They are Bangladeshi.
I think the husband was forced into it by the MIL. He was brought up in the UK and obviously went to school etc. here.

She wears the niqab and is very conservative herself. I think he might have wanted a more westernised girl. (still Bangladeshi, but from the UK) He works in a takeaway, so is hardly setting the world alight.
Far from not saying anything good, she does try to cover up for them. I think it is worse than she is telling me.
Not sure where I will be able to find her anyone.

I dont think he was a great "catch", so it might be the best he can get. ie uneducated. She finished secondary school, so I might be doing her a disservice.

Family could easily take her to appointments. His sisters and him speak perfect english as the went to school here, MIL speaks no english despite living here for 30 years and will not leave the house.
Husband was not bothered that she went shopping. It was MIL that did not like it.
Infact he does not care what she does. That is the problem. He could not care less,

Are they having sex? If they are then there may be an opportunity to talk things through. If he wants a more westernised wife then does he want her to stop wearing the niqab or would respond better to her without one? In Bangladesh (like in India) it’s the husband’s opinion that counts (over the in laws) so who decided she’d be covered up?

There are Bangladeshi women’s centres in most cities that are predominately a social group but she could find people in her community to support and help her. They can be attached to wider Bangladeshi Women’s centres - suggest you start with that

She told me that she covers up because she wants to but I am
not so sure. I dont think is him that is bothered but I think it is MIL. His mother's word is law.

I have looked and I cannot see a Bangladeshi womens centre here. Dont want to put where I am as there is too much on here already.
They are still having sex but they are having fertility issues. Her problem by the look of it. He wont go anywhere.
I think she likes doing things with me as the family are less likely to find out. She does not like talking about the issues with the family as they are very intrusive, and I think the family tolerate my involvement as it keeps the issue outside of the community.
I am so sad because of it because I just cannot help and she is so unhappy. It has taken ages to get her to talk to me. (2 years I have known her)