Racism at playgroup...mixed mum with caramac kid!

[Poppet93]

I call my babies caramac because they are blonde with olive skin (I'm mixed, Dad is white).
Anyway, I'm at playgroup sitting by myself and this woman comes up to me and starts making friendly conversation. Then my daughter comes up to me and the first thing this woman says is "oh, you don't look like Mummy do you?" I don't know what to say so I just sit there, sending telepathic messages to her to shut up. Then she says "oh well, you must get your looks from Daddy then." Again, I don't say anything, at which point she looks at me and she must have realize that what she said is not OK so she says "oh but you've got such lovely skin" and she strokes my arm! Like I'm a frigging dog or something! WTF???!!! And she was one of the people who works there! I could not get my breath! And you know what, that is not the first time someone has said something along those lines...why are people so frigging stupid? Like, do I need to prove to them that I'm her mother? What is the most logical conclusion you can come to if my kid is white and I'm brown? Their father is obviously white right? And where does she get off saying that to my 2 year old daughter??? So obviously, I'm never going back there.
Just wondering if anyone who has biracial kids or kids with mixed parentage has ever experienced this? What did you do?

q

It's possible she wasn't referring to your skin colour. My daughter has the same skin colour as me, but totally different features and people often remark that she doesn't look like me. Don't focus on skin colour.

All the time. "You're too white to be his mum" "they don't look like you" "are you sure théyre yours"
Bla bla bla

I just roll my eyes inside my head and smile on the outside

Idiots everywhere

She was referring to the skin though as she touched the OP and mentioned her skin. I'd report it as she was being racist, skin tone didn't need to be mentioned

She stroked you!!! Wtf. As if she was reassuring you it’s ok you’re not white, she’s totally cool with ‘different’ skin colours. What a dick!
I’d def put a complaint in, but try and do it in a way that explains why/how her comments & action were racist because I bet she won’t understand why, it’s very deeply ingrained.

She shouldn't have stroked you but I do understand the bwautiful skin thing. I have several mixed race family members but there's one boy and his skin really is the most beautiful color, prettier than all the others. I love taking pictures of him because of his color skin (I like photographing). But other than that, yes the mothers do get seen as different just because of their coloring. I have pointed out to people in the past that X looks so much like her mother, and she does have the exact same face but just with a dark color. People then tell me that they can't see it .

Who should she report it to? I want to report a stupid woman who touched my arm?

I'm white but my kids have some mixed heritage. I've had plenty of similar comments. Some people have serious Foot In Mouth Syndrome.

I've had plenty of comments like the ones you've received, I'm mixed (my mother was mixed and my father is mixed) my partner is mixed but he's received comments making people think he is Turkish but he's not, so now, my boys, are another kind of mix, DS1 has a mixture of my features and his dad's, and DS2 is actually the one I get the comments about "did you take the right baby from the hospital? Are you sure he's your son I mean, he looks white!" "Where did the blues eyes and blonde hair come from if you're black?!" Yes I'm mixed but because of my nan, me and my mum came out quite basically looking black so people never believe me when I say I'm mixed race, anyways, the point I'm trying to make is, I see what this woman said to you as unacceptable, maybe put a complaint in about it, I don't know, my advice isn't really that good coz I've been there and I tend to just smile and just say "well I did give birth to my child he's definitely mine thanks!" And walk away, it's like most people are amazed when they see a mixed race baby look fairer or even more white than others! That's the beauty of genetics!! My family is a massive mix just because my nan was dark I dont look it but my hair and my childrens hair say, which by the way most people are confused but amazed by, it's like "proof" that I am if that makes sense I do worry about my DS2 going to school with his blonde hair, blue eyes and white skin, and other parents ask if I'm babysitting, for them to actually be shocked by "no he's my son" I really do worry. Sorry for rambling

It must be incredibly frustrating. I can't empathise as I am white so I can have no concept of how it must feel. You are well within your rights to take whatever reasonable action you see fit. So many people just do not even seem to realise they are racist or think that a lack of malice means it's not relevant. Sorry OP.

I have a white friend whose husband was black. When she was out and about with her children without him she was asked all the time by strangers why she had chosen adoption. Unbelievable stupidity to not be able to work out how two people with different skin colour could be closely related by blood.

I’m mixed (black and white) and my daughter has fair skin with green eyes (her dad is white).

People always comment about how beautiful her eyes are, look at mine (brown) and say must be from daddy then.

Her ballet teacher just straight out said “are you the nanny?” 🙄

This baby (I’m pregnant) is going to be a lot darker as her dad is black, let’s see how the comments differ.

I got really annoyed at the doctors the other day because they had written North African (I’m mixed White British and Black afro-Caribbean) under ethnicity for the down’s test and yet no one had asked me my ethnicity! I questioned the doctor and she said “and?”. I guess to her we’re all brown so what was I complaining about...

I have fair skin but black features and hair. My mum is much darker. I still remember her getting really upset at the airport when they wouldn’t believe I was her child

@cranstonmanor Are you being bloody serious?
@Newearringsplease Ummmm yeah the uninvited touching , the casual racism would be big cause for concern.

OP that’s an utter disgrace , I’m upset for you and think you should definitely make a complaint.

She stroked your arm? I'd be pretty hacked off with that alone. Nothing to do with skin tone - just keep your mitts to yourself.

We used to get similar comments but the whole family is white. DD is the image of her father but DS didn't used to look like any of us. He always reckoned he came from a rich family but had been accidentally switched at birth! Anyway, the poor thing now has my nose so he can't deny it any more.

Point is, he did look different and people felt they could comment.

My dc lol nothing like me and I'm the first to say it so I don't really mind if anyone else does. I'm blonde with green eyes and pale skin and they both have dark olive complexion and dark features. Dd2 went a step further and has a big mop of tight curly hair and quite a distinctive shaped nose.

The stroking was horrendous, presumably she'd realised your reaction and got her self in a flap. She's possibly sitting there agonising over it now and thinking wtf did I do. I'm not really sure how I'd deal with it

@cranstonmanor. Your comment is shocking. No better than the woman stroking the OP.

Oh I actually for got to add, as you probably could have guessed anyway (or not) both me and my DC dad have light brown eyes and brown hair, my DS1 has brown eyes and brown hair and fair skin, looks more like me as he had my nose but the rest is all his dad, DS2 has the blue eyes, the blonde hair and white skin but is a spit of his dad, we get questions about him all the time, and upsets both me and my partner, yes they have the same dad too, I put the eye colour down to the fact that my dad has green eyes, and I must have that gene and green and brown make blue obviously, but again I'd put a complaint in OP

The arm stroking thing is offensive

But why do people get so worked up about colour? People often tell me I don't look like I come from my country - and there is a short conversation about it. Do I get offended and worked up? No. It's just an observation ......... why is it offensive?

I'm white, partner is mixed race. One DD is me, long straight blond hair, the other is him, brown curls. They have a lovely coin colour where as in an practically translucent with freckles. I have never ever had this type of this about skin colour. Their hair maybe but never their looks compared to me, nor had their dad.

Even if a child doesn't look like their mother, why would anyone feel the need to say it. Especially if it's not a close friend or family member.

Why not just STFU.

When I see an adult with a child that isn't the same skin colour, I would never dream of making stupid comments.

I simply assume in my mind that the other parent is mixed, that it isn't their child (maybe a niece/nephew) or that the child is adopted.

It's just nosiness and she wanted a response from you.

The stroking is ridiculous. I've had ppl do that to my DC when they were younger, when we took UK breaks in areas that didn't have many black people.

@chopc it is offensive for many reasons. I think it’s people’s ignorance and the fact that they automatically assume things. Plus if you don’t know somebody perhaps you should be a little more tactful or to get straight to the point NOT say such things if you don’t know someone on a personal level.I totally agree with OP.
Would you just meet a stranger ask about their job maybe... but you wouldn’t ask their salary would you!
For the person to be stroking her arm it sounds patronising.

Sadly its nothing new. My Mum was always assumed to be our nanny when we were babies. I’d totally report it though. That woman had no right to behave in such a shocking manner.

I know this is an old thread but I just found the multicultural section and I wanted to join in where I can as I've felt isolated in the UK since having my mixed race daughter. I'm also mixed race although not as mixed race as her and it doesn't show so much on me as I have red hair. But in the summer it's more obvious when I go golden quickly and no one can understand why I'm a red head who enjoys the sun so much!
Someone at a toddler group looked at my DD when about seven months old and asked me where her dad was from (as she is darker than me) and I very matter of factly replied 'America', as that is where he is from. So you could always say 'The UK' if you're asked this question if this is the case. They were thrown aback and said 'oh she's very dark' and I just nodded and said 'yes'. Lockdown has given us a break from these things but I'm sure it will happen again.

Other than that if people make the 'oh is her father dark then?' or the 'where does she get her dark hair from?' comments I just say 'she gets it from my mum' because my mum has dark curly hair and this throws them off the judgey judgey track. Anyway it was such a shock to me to find out how ingrained racism is these days.

I have mixed race kids, and as a PP said, people gush over their skin all the time. Like constantly talk about what a gorgeous color they are, come over just to admire them, etc. (I'm an expat and this kind of cooing over strangers babies isn't weird where we live!) . I've never considered it racist, and have always considered it similar to my sibling and I who always had big eyes which people would react to in a similar way and some people still comment on now we're adults. Some people just openly compliment and admire people, and she could have been being genuine with her compliment.

As for the comment about what you look like - DO you look like your daughter? Because, despite our different coloured skin, hair, eyes, etc, I look VERY much like one of my children, but not at all like the other, who is identical to dad. The comment didnt necessarily need to be about skin color.

One time my friends mum met my son when he was very little and said "you must have your daddy's nose, you daddy must be African or Jamaican" (neither my friend or her mum has met or seen my partner) I was so shocked I said nothing. My son is mixed race but extremely light skinned, more light skinned when he was younger as appose to know and he's only 6 now!