Asian (bengali) Marriage

[32Rose]

Hi, I got married at the beginning of the year and am now living with my in-laws in a 5 bedroom house. The rooms in the house are quite small. Currently there are 6 people living in the house including me. My SIL comes to visit every Fridays with her two kids and stays over the weekend. On top of that, my other SIL comes to visit every weekend and leaves her 2 kids behind for a day (or two). On top of that, my 3rd SIL has been living with us for several weeks whilst her home is getting refurbished so there is actually 7 of us living together. Sometimes my 4th SIL visits one a week with her husband and on rare occasions she also stays over. Because i live with my MIL and FIL the house becomes full when they all come to stay (10-12 bodies sleeping under one roof at the most) I become really frustrated as i don't have any privacy unless i go to my room and lock the door! My husband refuses to move out. Nobody forces me to do any housework, however i choose to contribute as i know they will bicker if i sit there and do nothing. To get away from everyone, i joined a gym and go there 4 days a week after work for a couple of hours. Whenever guests come around my MIL expects me to serve them. When i come home a couple of hours late from work she calls my husband to find out where i am and why i haven't come home and she expects me to tell her where i am all the time (which i don't do purposely). All this drives me mad and i have argued with my husband about this many times about these issues and he thinks I’m just being disrespectful and overreacting. I have decided that i will never have children under that roof and because of this i don't know where my relationship with my husband with end up if i carry on living like this. He feels comfortable living with all his family but i feel like i have to tiptoe. I agreed to live with his family before i married him but i never knew his siblings will always come to stay or visit all the time. Every weekend the house is full and i just can't get away from them. I always end up going to MY MUMS house so i can live in peace every couple of weeks. I have a very small family and my mums house is nice and quiet. I would even stay at my mums 1 week at a time just to avoid his family but i cant do this forever. I don't want to cook for his family anymore, i don't want to do anything for them i just want my own space. He owns a flat which he rents out and he is on a very good salary but he chooses never to move out of his mum's place. I haven't had any arguments with his family yet but i don't know how long i can hold my thoughts in. I cook twice a week and i hoover a couple of time in a week but his siblings always complain that the house is always dirty whenever they come to visit and compare our house to theirs. Obviously it will be dirty if they come to visit all the time with their kids, there are constantly people coming to visit and they never invite us to their homes. I have never even seen their homes. I wont behave like a traditional bengali daughter in law and constantly clean the house.. they have their own home i dont know why they come to stay with us.
I don't know what to do, I don't think i can live like this, i just want to run away and i have a feeling my husband will just get fed up of me constantly complaining to him and going to my mums for space. We may even up drifting apart if he doesn't do something. Please share your experiences.

Move to your mums house and save up for your own place. Your situation sounds horrendous and you don’t have to put up with it lovely 💐

@Wiltshirelass2019 thank you for your message. I will wait a few months to see if my situation progresses with my husband. If not, I may end up taking that route. Wish me luck. x

Dear god! Divorce him.

@bogglesGoggles Harder said than done. I just got married a few months ago. I have been with him 10+ years. He is a lovely guy, quite funny, annoying, we go out for lovely dinners/entertainment each week which i love and enjoy, everybody gets along with him... but he just doesn't want to leave his family. He cant see things from my perspective yet. I know he loves having me around more than he did before we got married. The living arrangement is terrible though. A few months will need to pass until he can clearly see how I feel. Men are just blind! i'm not trying to make excuses for him or anything like that but I always pretend that I'm ok in front of his family so he probably thinks i'm giving him mixed signals about how I feel with the living arrangement but of course i don't show his family how i feel. There are times where i do enjoy myself with them but i cant live like this forever. In the Asain culture, the wife usually moves in with the husbands family (sad i know) Us Asain women don't know how bad it is until we experience it... However this isn't the case for everybody.

@32Rose what is the situation now? Its been 3 months. I can completely relate to you. Im currently going through the same thing. I live with husbands family. We have an 8 month old together. Been living there for nearly 2 years, just shy of a few months. I live with his MIL FIL SIL and currently BIL but he will move out soon as he is married and him and his wife finally found a place. The issue i have similar to you, is this expectation of serving guests when they come unannounced. My own home where i used to live, people would call beforehand in advance. We'd expect them and tell them whether we'd be home or not. At my husbands house,ppl drop by every day, whether its his older brothers, wider relatives, people who don't live here who just drop by and you the DIL are expected to drop everything and go serve them tea. It has gotten really frustrating now as i have a 8 month old and she is my priority. i feel like i am a live in servant. Any time someone of my age comes over and we are chatting away, before i get a chance or if i am free, my MIL would order me to get them tea. For me there are so many situations where i just take it on the shoulder and ignore it. But then it festers. I ignore it and something else would happen that would really piss me off.

Anyway.. today i laid it out all on the table to Husband. He didnt say much when i said it all. I always thought i could cope living with inlaws as i am an easy going person and get along but unless you are living in a situation like we are.. it can be easy for others to say stop complaining but the truth of the matter is you haven't walked in my shoes. I have a headache from an emotional day as tears have run. He hasn't given me some sort of hope to look forward to as yet. Men do have blinders on. Especially bengali men. They come home eat have tea relax watch tv bed. We women cook, wash, serve tea look after baby needs, laundry baby again, bottle washing someone comes its tea time. Let me know the update

@Jackie4747

How is your situation now? I suffer in a similar situation but I can't complain as when I read experiences of others I find I could have it worse however emotionally it is very difficult especially when there is no one to speak to.

I live alone with my husband, we were friends for 8 years, dated for 1 and then got married. I refused to live with his parents and made this clear at the time of marriage and we rented a flat about ten minutes from his parents. I thought this would make my life much easier, how wrong was I.

Whenever they would get wind that I am not home or I am visiting my parents, they would turn up to the flat. I have invited them around a handful of times where I have cooked for them, my SILs and mum think it is okay to go through my kitchen cupboards and go into my bedroom without my permission.

Once before we had even got up for work, I heard someone shouting my husband's name outside our window, my MIL was there with her mate apparently on a walk. They were actually going to come in until my husband said we are going to work and to come another time.

All of this sounds okay and bearable... However we used to go over to his parents every Sunday or so, and there have been multiple occasions (more so when I was newly married) that it was okay for my MIL and FIL to drop comments mainly about my parents. I have had comments where I'm asked if I think my father is weak as a person, the way my parents live questioned, asked if my mother has bought me up properly, told I looked very black when guests came around (I have a darker skintone than most bengalis), told that my cooking resulted in my MIL having to take allergy tablets. I was ridiculed and told off in front of everyone for not wearing my wedding gold on eid day despite apologising and explaining I didn't know I was supposed to. My husband has tried sticking up for me but he cowers in front of his parents and cannot stand up to them that much. I have kept my mouth shut most of the time and just stand there and cry because I can't believe that people can treat others like this. It's shameful because I was a strong person at home and always stuck up for myself.

Anyway the list of the things they've said goes on... I have tried reducing the visits however my husband always manages to get me to go back again.

Fast forward to now,I have been married for 4 years now and we have managed to purchase a house which is now 15 minutes away from his parents (seems like a 5 min drive to me though). I tried pitching to him that we should move closer to my family. Didn't work.

I have stopped my visits completely as the last time I went over, I hoovered the downstairs and the MIL thought it was okay to come down and have a go at me because the SIL wasn't speaking to me. Whenever the SIL is upset with my husband she thinks it's okay to not speak to me, I wasn't going to pander to her and beg her to speak to me so I left it as it was. My MIL came down and started pointing her finger at me asking me what my problem was with her daughters. Enough said, after this visit I made it plainly clear to my husband I am not going over anymore. None of them ever call me or ask me to go over so why should I?

My only concern is they will turn up uninvited to my house or turn up when I'm not around.

My husband also finds it difficult as he feels like I should be close to his family however I have tried multiple times and I am not going to continuously keep getting humiliated. I am worried as this will distance us as a couple.

Oh god. Ok u say your situation is less stressful than others but from what ive read - i haven't had half those comments spoken to me or anything similar like you have. A couple of jokes made by my MIL about my parents (who are not here anymore ) which weren't funny.
Majority of bengali families have no boundaries. They follow MIL behaviours and it sort of just rubs off on them. We are treated as not daughters. Just known as the husbands wife who is expected to be ALL and Do ALL and be AVAILABLE. We are live in servants or in your case,a servant that comes and hoovers when they pop round. My zaal who came and hoovered - i would tell her no dont do it. You shouldnt be coming here and hoovering. I told my husband that she shouldnt be doing that she dont live here. She stopped doing it now. Funny thing is,i do it mainly and told my husband :" oh it must be my job to hoover. Maybe you could hoover". HE DOES hoover occasionally on his days off amd when i tell him it needs hoovering as im tired of hoovering. My MIL used to do it but i woul take it off her. Everyone would have a hand at in EXCEPT for my nonond. She is not housetrained. Till this day ive never seen her hoover and apparently she told my zaal "i dont hoover" . Apparently its my husbands job. My point is everyone should chip in doing all house chores. She still leaves her dishes cups and cutlery by the sink. It annoys me so i leave it. My MIL is another problem as she is so timid she cant tell her own daughter to clean up after herself. I know it annoys my MIL as she likes the sink area clean and clear. I leave it clean and clear and she even told me she likes it clean and in order. But when her daughter leaves her crap around the sink- she doesn't utter a word to her to tell her to clean up after herself. My nonond goes on like she has more important stuff to do the way she goes and pleases but hey don't be a pig -shes a fully grown adult im quite shocked. Anyway our husbands really cant do anything. Its the upbringing. My situation is still the same but since lockdown social distancing has helped.

I think stand your ground. Be as close and loving to him he cant fault you for that. And the issue with you and his family is separate. We women goes crazy giving our all and yet we dont get appreciated in return.

Can you explain that you feal crowded and that perhaps be good to move out but remain local, you can still see them and support them?