Cutting off the in-laws

[Rumi2019]

I have been married for nearly 7 years now and have recently had a baby who is now 9 months. My relationship with my in-laws has been very emotionally unpleasant from day 1 simply due to cultural, their community and socioeconomic and their lack of education differences. It has affected me mentally for so many years that I have continuously suffered from anxiety and depression, suffered a miscarriage and fell into severe postnatal depression after my recent baby. Most recently a very toxic and explosive argument broke out which ended up with MIL physically trying to hit me and FIL joining in on the verbal abuse. My baby was left crying and hungry for hours because of their selfish outburst and they wouldn't let me comfort him. I left that day knowing that was the final straw.

I have now cut off all ties with them and told my husband I have given them enough chances and given my all to them and I simply do not want them in my life anymore.

I have been told by health visitor I have been going through different forms of abuse over the years by them and am seeking help.
However when I am alone I keep doubting myself have I done the right thing just to walk away for good? Will my life be ok? Will my husband be ok with me? I just feel so uncertain and shaky about the new path I need to walk on

If your husband doesn't support you 100% you should bin him off, too. You also should have called the police when your MIL assaulted you. Never let anyone get away with that.

Husband said he's supportive but at same time there is a change in his attitude towards me. He has up and down days. It is early days so perhaps he is raw about his parents behaviour/outburst and coming to terms with it won't be a perfect family anymore. It's clearly affected us but husband doesn't talk about it or reassure me or didn't ask me how I was coping etc. He left me to "deal with it" myself.

Since the in-laws have been totally unsupportive in every way possible with the baby as well, I also said baby will not be going over until he is old enough to know he has grandparents. When the baby gets anxiety and cries, they used to get angry and say it's no good me comforting the baby and how it's fine let him cry etc he'll get used to it.

Yeh I should have called the police I was just so shaken; it took me days to absorb what had happened. Now I have to deal with the fact that potentially if I ever get harassed again I will have to call the police

Omg this sounds horrendous. I can't even imagine it. I'm so sorry.

Stay strong. You don't have to put up with this in Britain in 2019.

Good luck x

It is so hard when you marry into a fate/ country or values system with different customs and traditions.

Could you agree with your husband the approach moving forward - a set of guidelines and get him to share them with his parents so they clearly understand the boundaries.

He will have to be the one to remind them any time they break the agreement or you will become the evil wife. Without knowing the culture it can be hard to advise.

Are you and your child safe? Hope things improve for you soon

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I myself went through the same thing. I went through a lot of mental abuse with the hands of my MIL. It was horrible. Even thinking about it gives me anxiety. I too had a miscarriage due to stress. When I was pregnant I was in and out of hospital due to dehydration, my MIL did. It believe me and didn't want me to go hospital. She wanted me to stay at home and cook and clean. After my son was born she wanted my son to herself, she wanted him to sleep with her. I was a mess. Reason I am telling you this is fast forward a few months and I have never been happier, your day will come hun. Chin up and know your well-being as well as your child's is crucial. Do what makes you happy. It's your time to be selfish. For your child. You don't have to be friends with them but try to keep it civil but only when you are ready. I promise you, it will get easier x

I am from a Pakistani background and so is husband & his family. However I can honestly say post-marriage his Pakistani Family & community were a completely different world. It's London (me) vs Bradford/Yorkshire (in-laws) life. That is not to say the asian community in London are good as gold as I know many women are also suffering in silent in London also. However here in Yorkshire, if you want to raise your voice against the abuse you get made to feel you are the wrong one and in-laws have full rights over you. Perhaps why it has taken me 7 years to say enough is enough

Thank you; yes I am working on keeping myself and baby safe and healthy. I have started working again just to distract myself from this anxiety and trying to be strong

Yes that is good advice. I just hope husband has understood my boundaries loud and clear. He doesn't talk about what's happened and how I feel etc like I said so I just hope he knows if his parents came to my door abusing me I or demanding my baby I will call the police. You're right this is Britain 2019.

Thank you sister your words give me strength; I need someone to tell me there will be light again. Right now I feel so lonely and just struggling to pick myself up. You're right I need to be selfish and look after my baby fully and focus on nurturing him xx

Hi all

I know this is an old thread but I need to re-address it again as I have no one to talk to... Ironically it is exactly a year on since I posted this!!!

Where am I now & how am I?.....
In short, living in my own home with my son & another baby on the way with my husband. And finally free and happy!

Cutting off the inlaws was the best forced decision that ended up happening from that toxic day. Few months later I also cut off the SIsterinlaws as they were also causing toxic anxiety and problems for me.
This year has been one of the hardest and darkest days of my life. I have never cried so much, never suffered alone so much and never had to rebuild myself like I have. And having a baby meant I could do nothing except cry my heart out till I was just exhausted and then just crack on with housework.
Inlaws decided they wouldn’t apologise for their behaviour and nearly year on I don’t think they ever intend to. That is the hardest and most painful bit to swallow that I will never get an apology and people who abused me for 7 years will just be able to walk away. But that’s life. Husband doesn’t understand why I can’t just “get over it” but they’re his parents so i guess he never will and now I don’t expect him to. Now and then I still get tearful thinking about what they did to me etc but it no longer overwhelms me to the point it affects my life. I can quietly think about it alone and have a moment and then crack on with life again. That has resulted in my little boy becoming such a bubble of personality. And finally enjoy being a mama!

I’m sure there are loads of women in my shoes and so I just want to say this;
If you are going through the darkest time of your life, accept it is dark and grim. Grieve, cry, mourn etc as much as you need to and then start rebuilding your life! Because no one and I mean no one (husband/own parents/siblings etc) will fully understand your pain or help change your life around! You have to be the change. You have to be strong and come out fighting and you will be so strong and proud!
I went back out and started working again even though I wanted to enjoy maternity break for least 2 years and that for me was an escape mechanism. But that slowly started giving me my confidence and independence back. I found myself stronger than ever especially knowing I could support my children well! For those who can’t/don’t work, find a hobby, take regular walks etc. Live for yourself again :-)

And know this it is not ok to accept any form of abuse mental/emotional/physical ever. And especially if you come from an ethnic background where your own parents will try and brush it under the carpet and not help take a stand for you. If that’s the case seek help elsewhere until you are safe and well!

I’m so happy for you OP. Well done, and good luck!

Really happy for you OP! It’s taken a while as expected To process everything but I hope your happiness continues and you will spot the early warning signs for anyone in your life not treating you like you deserve now you have had to go through this experience.
Is your husband still in regular contact with his parents and sister?

Thank you everyone. I felt so strong reading back my original post and now reflecting where I am. I wouldn’t say time is a magic healer but it is definitely a changer :-)

He no longer sees his family now and at times I can see it is very hard to process that for him still. And I can see he is regretful and maybe wishes he could make it all ok again etc and we’d be one happy family etc. So I’ve just resorted to trying my hardest not talking about it about anymore or even mention them. Because I don’t ever want to go back to living like that again. I’ve known them for 7 years they will never change and enough was enough. Whether he speaks to them on the phone etc I don’t know but I never told him to cut ties etc. I wanted that cut off for myself and my children. It isn’t exactly perfect that

• It isnt perfect that he no longer sees them or actively speaks to them, but it has finally created some peace between us as a couple.

Im going through similar. I’m Asian so is husband. Married 10 years. MIL is a complete bitch, When I was pregnant (a girl) she would constantly say “I pray to god it’s a boy! Please let it be a boy”. We had years of IVF and my baby was a miracle but she made me feel like crap. Husband not once stood up to her. Tried to talk to SIL when I was 8 months pregnant that mums attitude is upsetting me and her response was “everyone wants you to have a boy of course mum wants it to be a boy, we will all be disappointed if it’s a girl! what wrong with that?” Fast forward to when daughter was born MIL fake bitch is like to relatives “There’s no difference between boys n girls”, SIL is kissing my daughter etc. Relatives go home and MIL turns to me and says you start trying for a boy now (my daughter was 6 days old!)

I kept all my anger inside but one day just exploded at her and how she made me feel and guess what her and SIL denied everything they said! They called me a liar and said I make stories up and twist their words. They have affected my mental health so much. My own mother says to me “doesn’t matter forget the past” but how can I. Can you imagine going through years of ivf to finally get pregnant and then made to feel like a failure (in her eyes) that I gave birth to a girl.

My husband is gone distant from me due to all the stress of ivf and then the strain of his families issues. Final straw for me was when the MIL made my parents come for a “meeting” to discuss my “attitude” as I no longer put up with her shit. She basically threatened to get us divorced! I said to her I’m happy to leave but I’m taking my daughter with me. She cried n cried! She always cries to her family so everyone thinks I’m the biggest troublemaker as in the culture women who stick up for themselves are deemed troublemakers. Her attitude is I should put up with everything she says and not complain. There are so many things she has said and done to me that I cannot even begin to write here. I’ve put up with so much. I wish I could turn time back and not married in this family. It’s not fair I ended up with her and not all Mil are like her. My sister is happily married and has a lovely MIL.

I'm so happy for you, OP! Good on you for deciding to get you and you child out of a terrible situation. So glad things have worked out for you!

Well done OP. You are doing so well:

Pleased for you op. Don't ever let anyone treat you that way again.
Take care

OP - I just noticed you wrote your husband finds it hard to process the changes in regards to not talking to the family - have you thought about maybe a couple of sessions of councelling so that you can work on making your relationship with each other stronger?

Well done again for coming out of this stronger. I hope I can feel stronger one day too.

Both of you write harrowing stuff and you both sound amazing. Thanks OP for resurrecting your thread.

I read a book years ago by the wonderful woman who set up this charity.
As this thread may help other women to tell their story I want to include it here should they need it.

karmanirvana.org.uk/