Racism in school?

[SparkleGem]

Hi I'm new here but needing advice, I'm a mum to a mixed race 5 year old boy (his dad is African) and yesterday he was playing in school on an outdoor boat, he went to go on the boat and a boy told him no and that there were no brown people allowed to come on to the boat. My son walked away feeling bad and sad (his own words). The head teacher spoke with my son and the boy involved, but never got in touch with me and today after school my son pointed out the boy at the school gates. I approached the mum to have a quiet word, just to see if she was aware of the incident, and if she could kindly have a word with her son to tell him it was wrong what he had done, but she just started shouting and saying you lot are always "pulling the race card". Really?! He is a five year old boy, a human being. No we don't pull the race card, in fact my son didn't even know what racism was. But obviously he does know he's brown. But he is no different. She was saying, what if it was the other way round? And her son got called white.. but my son wouldn't do that as he is brought up by white and black family. He doesn't know any difference and I thought any kid of that age wouldn't know any difference between race. Any thoughts on this incident, have any of you experienced racism in school? I don't know what to do now, I can't stop thinking about everything and just getting really emotional. Thanks for your time.

I'd post this on aibu hun there's more people traffic. I have no words of advice except speaking to the school finding out what their policy says in regards to dealing with racism. The way I dealt with it was to tell my kids that some people are very ignorant and stupid and they're better than these types of people will ever be.

I wouldn’t post in Aibu as I don’t think you’d get a sensible answer tbh.

I think his mothers attitude says a lot tbh. If that was my child that had said that I’d be mortified. Id be raging if it was my child it was said to too.

I’d approach the school and ask why you wasn’t informed - even to be just able to discuss with your son what has happened and any feelings he had, as your son may have not mentioned it at all.

At that age a class discussion on what is kind or unkind and how words can effect us can be really effective.

5 year olds have not got the capability to be racist, this little boy is saying what he sees. There is nothing malicious in his comment at their age children are being observational.

We have to stop applying the adult world to children and their environment. Children don't think the way adults do and nor do they have the capability. The two children involved have no idea. I am unsure why you are assuming the other child has any idea of racism.

I suspect your son was more upset that they would not allow him to join in rather than the comment that he was brown??

Wow what an awful lady! I would speak to the school about having some sort of inclusion sessions but unfortunately that won't help with that awful mother! I'm sure at 5 the little boy didn't realise the weight of his words but going by his mother it doesn't bode well for how he'll be in the future!

5 year olds have not got the capability to be racist, this little boy is saying what he sees. There is nothing malicious in his comment at their age children are being observational

Don't post in AIBU OP, you'll get this kind of answer, and worse

through I guess you are incapable of comprehending that most 5 year olds don't exclude 'difference' in that way, and the will/action to do so is disturbing.

& Who are you to decide OPs son wasn't upset at being called 'brown?'

OP I hear of this more and more nowadays. Mixed race niece and nephews, all have experienced racist comments as have friend's mixed race children, and often it seems this is something at least 1 parent hadn't bargained for.

Go back and make a complaint to the school, get this dealt with properly. & You should never have let that woman shout at you without cutting her off mid-flow then turning your back on her deliberately and walking away.

There are going to be times in your son's life when you have to defend him against racism, and explain the actions of ignorant children raised by ignorant parents. Equip him for the real world, not the fantasy world some would have you believe where nobody's racist and victims of racism are expected to just put up with discrimination.

Amongstthetallgrass is spot on

I'm sorry but it's bullshit that a 5 year old can't understand racism is wrong. They may not understand why, but they can understand it's wrong. And be taught why.

OP I'd go back to the school, tell them the mother's horrendously racist response and ask for it to be formally dealt with.

Neither you nor your child should have to put up with such dreadful behaviour. It is never ok.

Hmm... yeah I take it back.

Dee dee cherry 'Most' being the key word, your can't generalise all children some very highly observant children will say such things as a purely observational comment with no meaning behind it.

5 year olds who grow up in a mixed race family who do not come from a racist environment this comment would be observational.

The mother's response yes that's something to complain about but to brand a 5 year old a racist and potentially have that with him through school in my personal opinion is wrong.

We are talking about a child who has in the eyes of the adults around him made a mistake. As adults we all make mistakes so why can't children.

I

throughitnow saying to OPs DS "your skin is brown" would be an observation, saying he couldn't play BECAUSE he was brown makes it racist. Intentionally or otherwise.

Something that needs to be changed, for OPs DSs sake first and foremost, but also for the little boy who has clearly been taught some abhorrent views.

through - No, most is not the key word actually, another observation that lacks sense. Deflective whitesplaining.. heard it all before and as ever it's nothing that's of use to anybody experiencing discrimination so pointless taking note of it.

through - 'most' isn't the key word in any form or fashion and no amount of deflective whitesplaining (heard it all before) will make it so, nor will it make what OPs son experienced non-discriminatory.

@Amongstthetallgrass thank you, I would agree that a class discussion would be helpful. I may suggest that to the head teacher. Thanks.

@throughitnow actually he was hurt at being told he couldn't play because he was brown, the part where the boy mentioned his skin colour hurt him because he actually said to me, how does he know I'm brown because sometimes i look white don't I? And that really hurt me to here him say that, now he is questioning his skin colour and also we apply the adult world to the kid world because some parents bring there child up like an adult, and treat them like an adult. It's obviously a learnt behaviour. Some kids can be cruel and I wouldn't wish anyone's child to experience this.

@Cannyhandleit thinking the same about the boys future. Obviously a learnt behaviour. School should have some talks or lessons on this, for people to understand how hurtful words can be.

@DeeCeeCherry thank you for your kind words. So sad that this world has to be like this, that we have to prepare a human being to be treated differently, even though everyone should be treated equally.

@InTheHeatofLisbon thank you for your kind words, yes very shocked at the response. Being told we were "pulling the race card"! I can't stop thinking of it, I feel sick hearing her words in my mind. No one pulls the race card, my son is 5 and is no different to any other 5 year old. Hoping this world can get better.

@throughitnow I never branded anyone racist, and no one else is aware of this except from myself, the boys mother and head teacher and of course my son and the boy involved, No one has BRANDED anyone.. I came here for advice as I feel sick every time I think about it. I hope you never experience this feeling because let me tell you, it's awful.

The boy's initial comment was hurtful and wrong, because he's obviously learning some pretty abhorrent views at home. Just because he's 5 and he's wee doesn't mean his language can't be dealt with and he can be taught how wrong and hurtful it was.

His mother, her response was utterly vile. I've never heard anyone declare "pulling the race card" unless something racist has indeed happened!!! If a parent came to me (I'd sincerely hope that none of my children said anything like that, since they have experienced disablist bullying so being kind and not excluding people is a big thing in our house) and said one of my children had said something like that I'd be gutted. I'd apologise, profusely and make sure my child did too, while fully understanding why what was said was so wrong and hurtful.

We must challenge racism, in all its forms, no matter the age of the person saying it. He's 5, he can learn the right way if it's taught to him now.

Educating people out of bigotry is the only way, hopefully one day we'll have a society where BAME aren't subjected to it any more.

@throughitnow even though the young boy may not have been saying no brown people to Intentionally be racist, you must understand that comments like this stick with children and make them insecure about their colour and heritage which can create a whole host of problems later in life.

To OP, you cannot control the actions and words of others so I would just concentrate on making sure your son sees as many positive messages and examples of people of colour to ensure he is secure and confident in his own skin.

The parents response is disgusting. Makes me feel sick, actually.

I would also OP make sure the school know about it and ensure they deal with it and don't just sweep it under the carpet (which often happens with racism.)

What angers me is quite often people that are victims of racism are quite often always made out to be the villains? How this happens sickens me.

@Cannyhandleit I strongly disagree children usually make friends easily & quickly. They are totally unaware of colour most of the time whilst playing so for the child to mention that during playing must mean his parents probably speak like that. Racism is taught we are not born racist. My child is 5 and asked me many questions about colour which is fine. If I ever heard my child say that to another child I’d be so shocked!!
I’d be asking to speak to the head again it needs to be nipped in the bud now by the parents. Before it becomes the “norm”

@throughitnow a lot of 5 year olds are very aware of colour. My child knows and he’s aware that we are not all the same colour. Children should not be speaking in that way it is wrong not letting another child play because of colour... CLEARLY like the boy stated it was because he was brown so he can’t be so unaware as he would of said something like you can’t play as you have red shoes on...
Comments and views like this no wonder children speak like that so casually disgusting!

Ridiculous to act like this shouldn't be taken seriously because the child who said it was 5. Would people say that if the kid physically punched your child? No of course they wouldn't and it's very typical of someone with white privilege to come on here and trivialise the damage and hurt something like can have. The mum's reaction seems to me totally likely that the child is picking stuff up it's heard at home. I'm really sorry for your son op and for you. As a white mum of a mixed race (now teenage) daughter there's been loads of times I've felt ill equipped to beat handle struggles she's gone through. When she was in nursery two little blond haired blued eyed girls constantly excluded my daughter saying she can't be a fairy like them because she's brown. I told the school and they were extremely dismissive of it so I took her out of the school. I think you should report the racist mum to the school. They need to keep an eye on that child! Hope your little one is ok x

Hi op
I no this is a old thread but just came across it now. I have mixed race children myself. 2 daughters. My eldest daughter has experienced racism in her old primary school. My daughter has her dads hair (Afro)... my daughter was called a bush monkey because of her hair... even my daughter told me I immediately approached the headteacher.
To be honest nothing came of it despite constant meetings. What got me was the mum has a older child who is mixed race but just goes to show what that household is all about.

The good thing is I've explained to my children that they will race a lot of racism as they get older. So this was just the beginning.

I'm really sorry your son had to go through that. I think explaining to him what life is going to be like because if the colour of his skin will make him aware of his surroundings.

@SparkleGem Why did you approach the parent and not the school?

It sounds like the HT spoke to both children, thus taking immediate action. HT just missed speaking to parents about this, however may have assessed it to be a one off incident dealt with appropriately at that point in time. Personally I would have let both parents know of the incident and follow up.

Approaching the parent, who also had not been informed, you received a reaction that was reactive and very hurtful.