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Multicultural families

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Original poster

My mother refuses to have a relationship with her mixed grandchildren

22 replies

Elsafairly · 25/09/2018 19:07

Long story. I got pregnant when I was 17, 10 years ago and my mum kicked me out of the house because my boyfriend was black. She told me if I kept the baby, she will never want to see my 'monkeys'. 10 years later, I am married to my then boyfriend, and have 2 more kids with him. My eldest, wants to see her grandmother, and wonders why she is not seeing her. I wrote many letters to my mother, and thought she'd change her mind. But she hasnt , if I call her, she will just call me the ' N-word lover' , and tell me how I betrayed her and her heritage. I don't know what to do anymore. My kids have fortunately their paternal family, who are awesome to me and took care of the 17yo pregnant and lost me. I wish she could just see her beautiful grand children , and stop all this. My dad died when I was 11, and have no siblings. What can I do to make her change her mind ?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 25/09/2018 19:11

She sounds awful. Why would you want to put your kids through that

LIVIA999 · 25/09/2018 19:12

She sounds like she's in 1952.
I have no idea. She doesn't sound very likely too if after three children and ten years she hasn't mellowed.
Maybe your daughter has an idea of a lovely granny who will fall in love and spoil her.
I have a feeling it might be a massive disappointing heartache for you all.

MysteriousQuinn · 25/09/2018 19:14

Nothing and don't bother trying. Awful woman! Your kids deserve better than having someone like that in their lives, and so do you.

Shockers · 25/09/2018 19:14

Tell your daughter that your mother is a nasty old witch and she doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you and your children.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 25/09/2018 19:15

Why on earth would you want your children seeking such a vile piece of racist scum?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 25/09/2018 19:17

You can't change her and I don't think it's healthy for you or your kids to be around her. She isn't the mum you need or want I'm afraid.

Spudlet · 25/09/2018 19:21

Don't go near her and certainly don't let your children with a country mile of her! I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I really am. You're going to have to find an appropriate way to tell your children what your mother is, and that is a shit thing to have to do. But you have to protect them, first and foremost.

Angharad07 · 25/09/2018 20:43

Why would you want your kids to see her? She sounds like an awful woman and it’s really her loss. Be honest and tell them grandma is not a very nice woman and won’t be kind to them (you don’t have to tell them precisely why).

Samantha2018 · 25/09/2018 20:48

Be honest so she has the chance to get over it instead of imagining a nice old lady

Want2bSupermum · 25/09/2018 20:51

I'm so sorry your mother is like this. She isn't going to change and your DC need to know why your DM isn't welcome when they are old enough to understand. It sounds like your eldest is ready for that conversation.

Kintan · 25/09/2018 20:53

I agree - tell her the truth. Your daughter has clearly built up a picture of your mother as something she is not and it would be best to tell her the reality.

AlexanderHamilton · 25/09/2018 20:53

I’m really sorry, she won’t change her mind.

Depending on the age of your children I think you need to be honest & tell your children that unfortunately she is racist & that is why you are no contact.

Lynne1Cat · 25/09/2018 20:53

Your mother sounds truly horrible. To have kicked you out at 17, when you weren't much more than a kid yourself and needed her, but also to be such a racist...... you and your family are better off without that kind of hatred in your lives. Good luck to you and your children. It sounds as though you've got a supportive husband and his family.

Weathermonger · 25/09/2018 20:54

You know your daughter best, and at 10 if she can handle the truth of her grandmother then go ahead and tell her. It sounds like she has all the wonderful relatives she needs with her dad's family, so why subject her to someone who will at best ignore her, or worse, yell racial slurs. I can't begin to imagine how hurt you have been, but your mother is best left in the past where she belongs.

QuacksInTheDark · 25/09/2018 20:56

You and your DC have all had a lucky escape from her! Can you ever imagine treating your own children that way? How can you even consider wanting a relationship with someone like that? Mother or not she’s fucking abhorrent! Don’t expose your children to her.

SequinsOnEverything · 25/09/2018 21:18

Nothing. I don't know why you would keep trying. She sounds terrible and not like someone I would want my children to have any relationship with.

Pebblesandfriends · 25/09/2018 21:21

Why would you want your kids anywhere near her? She sounds vile.

Lucy001 · 25/09/2018 21:32

At the age of 11 I was informed that I suddenly had a grandmother (and grandfather) when, as far as I knew, my grandmother died when I was young. I was too old to be lied to. My mother told me the truth. She'd done much the same thing as yours, but my mum wasn't pregnant (not that it matters) simply because he wasn't a Catholic. Suddenly gran wanted reconciliation. And at the age of 11 I discovered the meaning of bullshit!

Your daughter is old enough to know the truth, and to make her own decisions about that truth. Truth hurts, but it always will, 10 or 50. My grandmother had been dead many, many years. I still despise her. So has my mother - and she was a shining star. I am 61 years old today. I'm glad my mother trusted my judgement enough to tell me the truth.

MissLadyM · 25/09/2018 21:35

Utterly vile woman. Don't bother with her

KnotsInMay · 25/09/2018 22:02

I can only imagine how painful this must be for you, too feel like an orphan because your only living parent has chosen her horrendous prejudices over her daughter and grandchildren. Such a kids not to be able to share the joy of your children with your own mother.

I would find a way to explain to your Dd that your Mum could not overcome her prejudice enough to accept your boyfriend (nowDH), so is not in contact with you. Tell her how wrong your mother is and how sad it makes you but it is her loss. I would focus on her reaction to your DH rather than her reaction to your pregnancy and having a black / mixed child.

At 10 the knowledge that there are racists won’t come as news to her.

mincymoo124 · 28/09/2018 21:52

@Elsafairly Why do n earth would you want your children around that evil woman? I understand it must be painful but you can't force it. If she's still got that attitude in this day and age there's no changing her now. She does not deserve a relationship with your beautiful children at all they do not need her in their lives. I used to work with a woman who could of actually written this! When her daughter was 15 she found out where her grandparents lived and decided to go round to their house she looked through the window and they closed the curtains in her face. She's never got over it but now she understands that they are racist and don't want anything to do with her or her sister because of the colour of their skin it's disgraceful!

Jade218 · 01/09/2019 19:09

Your mums a disgrace, sorry.

You should be worried to let your mixed race children be exposed to her keep them away from her, please.

Posts like this I would love to show to people that deny racism exists in this country. It is well and truly alive!

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