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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

"I don't like daddy because he's brown"

32 replies

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 11:31

DH is mixed south Asian/white British and has brown skin. I'm white. DD is 3.5 and a lot of her chat at the moment is about identity and her working out who she is in relation to others etc. We have another DD who is six months old, so DD1 talks a lot about being a big sister etc. Since the new baby there has also been a lot of pro-mummy/anti-daddy stuff, I think in direct reaction to the baby, having to share me etc.

One thing she has said a lot recently is about things being 'just for girls', so excluding DH. We obviously say that nothing is just for girls or boys, we all like the same things, it's not kind to exclude anyone etc.

She's also been saying "mummy, baby and I are pink and daddy is brown" and, when she is being anti-daddy, "I don't like daddy because he's brown". This is very upsetting to DH, and while I think she's just working out who she is and how the world works, I'm interested to hear how others have tackled this, and whether I can expect similar in the future. We obviously tell her that we don't exclude or judge anyone on physical appearance, and that she isn't being kind to Daddy. We have books with characters of different races and about how everyone is different, and have some friends with different colour skin, although we live in a predominantly white area. Unfortunately DH father who had much darker skin is no longer alive, and we don't have much contact with that side of the family, although she does have cousins who like her are mixed race.

When do we start discussions about racism and it's history? Any particular books to recommend, both for her and for me? I'm aware that I'm also parenting mixed race children (albeit who basically look white) and I feel inadequate and unprepared for what that may mean. Interested in any guidance from others who have gone through this.

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 04/09/2018 11:36

This isn't about racism though is it? It's about her 'not liking' her father. Is there any reason why she dislikes him? Have you explained to her how hurtful she is being? You are focusing on the wrong thing here.

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 11:45

Thank you. Yes I agree there are several things going on here. She hasn't been able to articulate why she says she doesn't like daddy, beyond just having a preference for mummy. These things are usually said when she's tired and grumpy, and not with huge frequency, and we do explain she's being hurtful.

We were just a bit blindsided by the skin colour element, and I wondered if it's a fairly common thing that families where different family members have different skin colour go through. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I also wanted to feel equipped to talk about race more with her, so wanted general tips.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 11:48

Just to explain I don't think she is being racist, but I'm aware that it's something I'd like to discuss more with her, not least because there's a risk she could say it to someone else, or someone may say the same thing to her

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viques · 04/09/2018 11:56

Hi, can I suggest you look at Letterbox library? they have a great range of books featuring children of all colours, races, hair types, eye colours etcetc! Many of them are US imports but can still give UK children a strong sense of being included. Many also show mixed race families whichyou can talk about and relate to your family .

I know buying books is expensive, maybe you could get friendly with the librarian at your local library and ask them to source more inclusive picture books if they are not already doing so.

I don't think your daughter hates her daddy, she is beginning to notice differences and is commenting on them in the only way she knows. I'm sure you are but sure you model positive language about skin colour/hair colour/ eye colour. Children learn what they hear.

greendale17 · 04/09/2018 11:56

We were just a bit blindsided by the skin colour element, and I wondered if it's a fairly common thing that families where different family members have different skin colour go through.

^I have never heard of a child this age saying this. Sorry but I don’t think it is common at all

ncforcommenting · 04/09/2018 12:01

Whether anyone has heard of this or not I wanted to comment as DS is mixed. He does have an abusive father who he no longer has contact with.

I did have comments about him not wanting to have skin like daddy and wanting pink skin (he's quite dark)

And currently he seems to label every black person as being from "Africa" (actually one specific country in Africa but would out to post) despite that I've explained to him that his black heritage is not from this country at all but from a Caribbean country on numerous occasions

So I think it's somewhere in the middle of a dislike of dad for whatever reason - in your case could be as simple as at nursery they've decided already that boys smell etc, working out their own identity and also confusion over geography meaning people look different depending where they're from

But I don't think it's so uncommon, tbh I don't mention it unless I have to to someone in case they think it's a deeper problem than a kid working stuff out

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 12:04

Thank you Viques, I'll have a look,

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bobstersmum · 04/09/2018 12:08

I doubt very much it's actually about him being a different race. My 4 year old has for about a year been quite open about telling everyone that he prefers people with brown eyes as him, myself and baby dd have brown eyes, dh and other ds have blue. He's starting school next week and has said he will only play with kids with brown eyes! They are funny little creatures, I wouldn't look too much into it.

bumpertobumper · 04/09/2018 12:20

My 3.5 yr dad won't let har dad put her to bed, often refuses to say goodnight to him, and generally is all about mummy.
We are working on this in various ways to increase their bond and explaining to her that it is not kind etc

One of my ds when through a similar stage although not as extreme.

Just want to reassure you that it is a fairly common phase , while they go through what the psychologists call individuation.

This will probably be magnified by the arrival of a baby sibling.

Also, my dd referred to a boy at nursery recently who had pushed her as ' that brown boy' so seems she is starting to notice physical differences.

Just want to reassure you that is sounds like all fairly normal stuff, and keep doing what you are doing.

Allington · 04/09/2018 12:53

I'm the single parent of a black child (trans-racial adoption). If you are making darker skin just as 'normal' as pale skin, then it's probably just something she's picked on when she's feeling grumpy with Daddy - it could be that his skin is rougher or his hair is shorter, or she doesn't like the colour of his shirt.

At one point - aged about 5 - DD wanted to look like me and have pale skin and straight hair. She was going through a difficult time at school because of her race, though, which didn't help. Since then she's moved school, and I've made sure we talk about racism and how people get brainwashed, and I make sure she has plenty of books (and where possible DVDs - hooray for Moana!) with positive black characters. She loves 'Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls' for example, and although that's a bit old for your DD you could read it to her and adapt it to her understanding. Loads of amazing women and girls there! DD's favourites are Michaela dePrince and Malala Yousafzai

I do think it is important to regularly be in a space where white is the minority. In our case we live in a very multi-racial area, so it hasn't been too difficult.

Allington · 04/09/2018 12:54

-it could as easily be that his skin is rougher etc

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 14:02

Thank you all for the comments. I think on reflection the racial element is obscuring a fairly common phase of working out identity, as well as dealing with mummy being preoccupied with the baby. We're out of the clingy newborn phase now so hopefully we can have a more balanced sharing of parental time now.

I've realised that most of our books still have animal protagonists, so as we move on to more books about people I'll definitely be conscious of the variety of people, and families, represented. Will look at rebel girls - she enjoyed a book about Friday kahlo recently. Moana is our latest obsession. She also loves Dora the Explorer, although when she was pretending to be an Explorer the other day and I said she looked like Dora she said "no I don't. Dora is brown!". So skin colour is clearly something she is thinking about. I suppose that might be in response to DH and I talking about how people all look different etc.

We've also talked to her about how she is also partly brown, as part of conversations about where babies come from, but perhaps that has just been confusing to her.

OP posts:

educatingarti · 04/09/2018 14:10

I think I might try not to make too much of a thing about it directly.
DD " I don't like daddy because he's brown"
You: " Oh don't you, that's a shame. I think daddy's brown skin is gorgeous."

Knitjob · 04/09/2018 14:12

It's so hard to know how much of an issue to make of all sorts of things. I tend to go for downplaying. If she says she doesn't like daddy I wouldn't ask her for a reason or really engage with her reasons. She doesn't mean it. Don't even respond when she comments about daddy being brown. Just say a non-committal hmmmm or something. She doesn't dislike daddy, she doesn't dislike people with brown skin.
One of our kids doesn't like daddy's beard. Because daddy has made such a fuss about trying to make him like it it's now become a 'thing' and ds makes comments about daddy's beard all the time
If dh had just not reacted in the beginning the beard thing would have been long forgotten.

rainingcatsanddog · 04/09/2018 14:20

I doubt it's really a race thing. If you were the same race then she'd probably use a different label like hairy, blonde, tall etc.

The real question is does she really dislike her father or is this an immature way of saying that she loves/prefers you. She might be looking for "love isn't finite" type reinforcement or a game of listing what's great about Daddy.

ncforcommenting · 04/09/2018 14:23

Just to amuse you, my DS when much younger yelled out at the doctors, directly in front of the doctor in the waiting room "I don't want that colour doctor, I want a yellow one" and yes, the doctor was a black woman. It was hideously embarrassing

And made no sense or context unless you knew he had been watching the Simpsons (I think, was a while ago but a yellow cartoon dr anyway) that morning. I just never foresaw that being shouted out.

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 14:26

Yes I think you're all right, downplaying, or distracting with a game of what we love about daddy is a good idea. Possibly we overreacted the first time so she's said it again to see the reaction.

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brassbrass · 04/09/2018 14:29

I don't think it's common at all. Mixed family here and not experienced it ourselves or with similar friends. DC just accept their family is made up the way it is because they don't know any different. Are you sure someone hasn't said something to her? What's her relationship normally like with your DH?

Lweji · 04/09/2018 14:31

Like others, I suspect the "brown" is a red herring.

The key is that she said she doesn't like daddy.
How is he towards her?

Alternatively, did she pick up something from other (white) relatives, or friends?

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 14:31

No she doesn't really dislike daddy! She currently prefers me to do various things but I think a lot of it is reaction to the baby and trying to exert control, eg "only mummy can put me in the car seat!" if we're all going out together. We indulge or ignore, with explanation, depending on the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 14:36

But these comments have given me pause, and I'm reflecting on the last six months (or longer) with the new baby and various other work and house stresses for DH and me and how we have been, when at home, and how that has impacted her. So perhaps downplay the brown element but be careful not to ignore what she's actually trying to say. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/09/2018 14:36

If you think it's a jealousy issue regarding the baby, then overlook her comment, or you will create an issue, where there was none.
It's her relationship with the baby that you need to address.

However, I'd expect her to be jealous of both parents, not just you. Something is making her react against her dad and I doubt it is the colour of his skin. I'm not sure you're prepared to be honest about what it may be. Or him.

Original poster

ItscalledaVulva · 04/09/2018 14:47

Thanks Lweji, this is making me think about how DH and I differ and why she prefers me, and also why she would say she doesn't like daddy. Interesting point about the jealousy. I've been on maternity leave so around more during the day so not sure I agree about expecting the jealousy to be directed similarly at me and DH. this has given me a lot to think about.

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brassbrass · 04/09/2018 14:58

The putting on the seatbelt or expressing similar preferences makes sense and sounds familiar but the colour of skin comment bothers me which makes me think has someone said something to draw it to her attention.

MaxineQuordlepleen · 04/09/2018 15:14

We are exactly the same mix and my DD went through a phase of saying she wanted white skin so that she could be exactly like mummy. It was part of a mummy worship phase that was slightly claustrophobic for me! She adores daddy but spent more time with me because of work hours etc. I kept saying that I loved her skin colour because it showed that she was a perfect mix of both of us. She grew out of it and now it’s very much part of her identity.

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