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Mother in law jealousy?

10 replies

nor77 · 24/06/2018 21:50

Hi, I've been married 5 yrs, this my 2nd marriage. When I first met my future mil the 1st question she asked was why was I a divorcee. I was taken aback! Since then she has done whatever she can to be critical of me. Criticism about how I style my hair, the clothes I wear, my cooking, how I dress our son, how much tea I drink, how fat I am (I'm a size 14). I'm muslim and so is my hubby. However he's always been a mummys boy. Last yr he had a falling out with his family and not having them around made our marriage a lot happier. Now his mum has managed to wrap him round her little finger. She makes 1 call to him and he drops everything to go see her (She lives abt 10 min drive from us). She's said many times b4 that she just has to make 1 call and all her sons will come running to her. Hubby has now said his mum is getting older so either she moves in with us, or he moves back in with her and me and our son live by ourselves with hubby visiting us after work and weekends. Mil is sly and manipulative. She will call my hubby saying she's hungry so he will drive to a takeaway, pick food up and take it to her. Yet she has another son at home who could get her takeaway or even cook something at home. She's had 3 other daughter in laws and all have tried living with her but it hasn't worked. My gut feeling is that she just wants her boys back to herself! I've tried sitting down and talking it thru with hubby but he takes his mum's side. When I say she's critical of me he tells me I should just let it go as his mum can't help herself. We've even had counselling but he still takes his mum side. I'm inclined to tell him if his mum means that much he can go back to her!

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 24/06/2018 21:54

Tell him to go.

ThreeIsACharm · 24/06/2018 21:57

Let him go. Tell him he is more than welcome to move back in with her. And see how long it lasts and how happy he is.
He clearly doesn't care wither he lives with you and his child or not. ( if he does move back in with mum make sure he is still financially contributing to your home and sons upbringing)

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 24/06/2018 21:59

Let him go. Do not have her in your home. It will never feel like your home.
If he is so weak she can have him. Make sure your dc are not like his family. They sound nuts.

Ceebs85 · 24/06/2018 22:08

Tell him to live with her but not bother coming back. God men can be pathetic!

Nixpix1 · 25/06/2018 12:22

You must be south Asian by the sounds of it.

I'll give you one piece of advice as I have suffered greatly at the hands of in law situations. Best thing to do is to allow him to go, regardless of it being a weeks away or even months. He will come back. He will realise what she's like and how demanding parents, esp mothers r of their married sons. My DH didn't belive me when I told him mil was not being kind to me and sneaky. Let him go off on his own to see her back home. 2 weeks later her returned and was like she's difficult and I see it. Obviously that's his mum so he has to put up with it and esp the way south Asian mums groom their sons into the whole Islamic battled of I'm ur mum and u have to listen to me or hell will be ur final destination and we r old and u need to look after us. In that situation its easy just to let him get a taste of their mums on their own.

Mayb, as hard as it is, cook a bit extra and tell ur husband to drop it to her. Will win u brownie points and mil will hate that u have sent her food.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/06/2018 14:00

She's not isolated. If she had a valid reason for needing help, that might be different.
However if he sees live-in parent care as part of the culture, and his siblings are happy to step aside and let him fuss over their mother, you do have a problem.
He expects you to cave in.
I'm afraid you will be painted as the heartless DIL, the "bad guy" who's making him decide this, no matter how the rest of the family react.

Do you have an older family member who would gratefully move in with you? How would DH react if you announced they were coming to stay long term?

nor77 · 25/06/2018 20:21

Thank you so much everyone for your comments! I honestly never expected such a response as I was just venting. Anyway past couple of nights he's been staying there and i'm not fussed, I've always been able to look after myself and managed when our son was a newborn (as hubby was working in London so I pretty much did everything for the first 5 months of our son's life).
Nixpix1, yes he knows how difficult his mum can be as he's had so many arguments with her before but then she does the 'poor me' routine and he goes running back. It's a shame as he's missing out on special moments with his son which he will regret later. Amazes me too that his mum doesn't have the decency to tell him he should be at home with his wife and child. There is no way I am having her in my house nor would I live with her, I value my sanity and privacy and I need a healthy environment for my son to grow up in.
Anyway thanks again everyone for the support x

OP posts:
mumpatrol · 14/07/2018 08:39

How are things, Is he still staying with your MIL @nor77 ?

nor77 · 14/07/2018 09:36

Hi mumpatrol. He has been on and off. I act like I'm not bothered about it and I think that bothers him! But he has now started paying for her bills like sky bill, water bill, groceries.

OP posts:
cherrytrees123 · 14/07/2018 09:47

Honestly, I just wouldn't put up with this if I were you. How can he even consider saying that you and the kids would have to live separately whilst he lives with his mother? He is giving you no support and no loyalty. Perhaps you need to talk to the woman, though she probably won't listen. Tell her she is going to break up your marriage if this goes on as you are not prepared to go on like this. In fact, talk to them both together. You need to mean what you say. If things don't change, radically, you need to leave him. In fact I don't know how you can have any respect for him at all under the circumstances.

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