Advice please - dd1 told 'you've got a paki daddy'

[pacinofan]

This has been niggling myself and dh for a couple of weeks now, I can't rest and feel very uncomfortable about this, even posting here and writing the words in the title bar.

Dd1 (age 4) has been saying she has a 'paki daddy' (dh is not Pakistani, but he does have lovely dark features).

We have tried to question her about it without flaming the situation, it seems it has come from pre-school nursery but when asked specifically who from, she is not consistent with identifying the name caller.

Now, I realise that children at this age are not always to be 100% believed with the tales they can tell, hence my reluctance to go to the pre-school and talk about this. But it's come from somewhere. Also, if I am honest, I just hate, hate, hate even talking about something like this, I suppose i am just hoping it will go away and not be mentioned again.

I have never seen our family as 'different', we are who we are, but clearly others do and it's making me unhappy.

Do I let this go or rock the boat by speaking with the nursery manager?

I would speak to the nursey manager. It is coming from somewhere and it's not from home so it is more than likeley to be nursery.

I would say it calmly but directly, tell them what dd has been saying. Tell them you don't like it, it may cause problems in the future and you want it nipping in the bud. Suggest a bit of learning on other cultures/countries. When my ds was at nursery they spent a lot of time learing about other cultures and dressing up in diffenet national dress from all over teh world.

HTH

Are you sure this is what she's saying? I think you could have a low key word with the manager and ask her to reassure you that this hasn't come from any of the staff there. I would have thought you could ask without any boat rocking or accusation, 4yos aren't terribly reliable!

it's not a word that your dd could have just "come up" with - she has definitely heard it somewhere. It certainly needs dealing with, and I'm afraid you need to speak to someone. If you find it so difficult, would it be easier to do it over the phone? I am tempted to suggest a note or email, but it is so easy for these to be taken the wrong way I think it's a bad idea.

Hope you get this sorted as soon as poss.

Yes, totally sure it is what she is saying, this has been said on several occasions, same words each time. When asked who has said it, she has named 3 children so we have no idea really exactly who is behind it.

I know 4 year olds aren't terribly reliable, that's the dilemma really, do I tackle this and risk being told 'oh, children aren't terribly reliable, therefore, it couldn't have been said?'

Hadn't even considered it could be coming from a staff member - shudders at the thought.

It needs to be discussed.
Is it a nursery linked to a school? If so, schools are required by law to report every racist incident. And this does qualify as that.

I think you need to speak to them.

You do need to talk to nursery but without suggesting who the culprit might be, as you don't know. Just tell them what she's saying, explain that she won't have heard this word anywhere else, and ask what they think they can do about it. And then if you aren't happy with their reaction, TELL them what you want them to do (obv. you need to work that one out first!).

Definitely agree that the best thing will be to mention it in a very low key way - without naming names - and ask the nursery manager to ensure that the staff are aware and take steps to prevent any repetition.

If it was a small child using this word, I don't think labelling it a 'racist incident' is correct or useful. Children that small just don't have the capacity to understand racism as a concept - they are just using a word they have heard. They may well be using it to hurt, but not because it is racist.

If it was an adult, however, that's different.

edam - unfortunately small children do understand racism as a concept, though it's clearly been passed onto them from adults.
My neice, who is mixed-race, but very pale, told her sister one day that she couldn't play with something because it was 'only for white children'.
She is only 4 and the only place she could have heard this was nursery.

God, that's sad, what did your sister do?

It's my brother's daughter. All they could do, was to explain to her as best you can to a 4 year old why it's wrong.
I'm not sure if he even reported it to the nursery as it is very multi-cultural and already good at making sure the children are aware of all differences between people, so without knowing which child is making the comments there's not a lot they can do.
But it's in an area of London were there are people who stir up racial tension. Just terribly sad that people get these views into their children at such a young age.

Stupid people inflicting their stupid views on their children. Children don't even notice skin colour as a particularly interesting feature if parents don't make a big thing out of it. More likely to describe someone as having brown eyes or red hair.

(FWIW when we were little, a horrid girl at playgroup told my sister she wasn't allowed in the wendy house 'because your mother works'. I imagine she was repeating her own parents' views.)

Gosh how sad that this has happened. I echo what Edam has said.

Pacinofan I totally understand where you are coming from - how did you get on when you spoke to the nursery?