Mixed race marriage

[Ojems]

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be on this site I have five grown up children and four grandchildren. My middle child a girl who will be 24 in two weeks told me three weeks ago that she has been having a relationship with an Iraqi kurdish boy who is 28. They wish to be married and they are setting a date for mid January 2018 about twenty weeks time she insists they are paying for the wedding and they will finalise the date when they have had their home office interview. We haven't met him yet we will be in about four weeks . My husband and I are not prejudice to race colour religion. He is muslim and my daughter has said any children will be raised to understand both religions and left to make their own decisions as to which religion they will follow. I am happy for her but something is just not clicking? Help

I need advise about my daughter's upcoming marriage to a kurdish iraqi boy something does not seem right?

What is it that doesn't seem right?
You would need to give more details.

I get that you would be really apprehensive, you haven't even met the guy yet & they are wedding planning & talking about children. It does seem very fast.

How long has she known him and why do they need a Home Office interview.

i don't understand. If you are 'not prejudice to race colour religion' why is the title of the thread mixed race marriage as if that is the issue not the fact that she is rushing to marry someone who you don't know and who could potentially be more interested in British citizenship than your daughter?

We just feel that they are rushing everything from not knowing anything about him to oh by the way were getting married! I just feel is he using her for his British passport? Why my daughter in his two Facebook accounts he seems to have plenty of girls around him. If he's genuine then there is no problem but I don't want my daughter used and hurt by him!

Oh and she told me she's been going with him for ten months and her sister three months.! She always plays things close to her chest.

So how long have they known each other? He might have residency. Where are his family and what do they think? It would be very unusual for them not to get in contact to meet her parents if they were in the UK or within striking distance.

Has she been married before or close?

I will preface this by saying that I was raised in a Muslim community. The people around me were not very strict (most were university educated, wore western clothing, enjoyed wine tours etc). But some of the things they did to their children were vile. Ritual circumcision, beatings (with belts), teaching their children disgusting things (e.g. Having a Christmas tree made you an evil person). The young man may be lovely but it wouldn't be unusual for problems to arise when they had children, especially if his parents are around. You can't tell her what to do but if you have any influence convince her not to have children until she has gotten to know his family better and has discussed the finer points with him. Marriage can be easily undone, but children cannot.

He needs a Home Office interview because he's not British or EU. I'm American, when my husband and I gave notice to marry, we couldn't go to our local council, we had to go to the biggest city near us. We also had to give more notice, and provide a lot of evidence about our relationship before we could even give notice. I had to provide bank statements and an explanation of why I was in the country in the first place. It was an interview, separately, to make sure our answers matched. Then the registrar could refer us to a Home Office investigation if they thought it was a sham marriage, which could take another 3 months. We weren't referred because they said I have a job offer in the country, I was just finishing a PhD, and had never violated the terms of my student visa. They also said my home country means that I'm less likely to enter a sham marriage.

The interview is normal for anyone marrying someone who is not British or EU. I wouldn't be suspicious about that. I'd ask for more clarity about the relationship, and I'd want to meet any person who was planning to marry my child.

My friend is Muslim, she's dating an atheist. They plan on raising the child without any religion and letting the child decide. Not everyone raised in a Muslim background is that conservative and awful, to a PP. The same could be said about every mainstream religion.

Also, my husband and I sprang our wedding on our family 3 weeks before we married. We just wanted a quiet ceremony, without much fuss. I'm assuming people thought I was using my husband for his passport as well? And, also, its kind of our decision about when the marry. Do you trust your daughter to make this decision? If not, perhaps that's something else you should be thinking about.

Kind of their decision when to marry*

It's her first marriage his parents have their own business in erbil the capital of kurdish an he has a brother here and his uncle and a cousin. We are meeting with them on the 2nd of October. They seem family orientated and his mother has given her permission and apparently I have to give mine which we find odd as in our culture the father is asked for his permission!

His parents are not allowed to come to Britain why I don't know. At the moment there is a lot of unrest in kurdistan because of their fight for independence. But they plan to go there for them to meet my daughter when it's safe to do so.

Maybe check the FO website to see if there is a restriction on travel from there to here. On what basis is he over here and how long has he lived in the U.K.? I assume he wants to stay and doesn't fancy going back.

Well I'm just leaving a mixed race marriage with children so can come at this from an absolutely not bigoted position!

Our marriage was Muslim/Christian kids being raised to understand both and make their own choices, his parents were strict, he isn't really. It all worked out issues were not culturally related and we lasted over 20 years!

BUT your reservations are because this is fast, you do not know his attitudes and culture (he could very easily be strict enough to cause issues), and the speed could very easily indicate she's being rushed into this for a passport.

Those reservations are valid and you need to keep a wary eye when you meet him, there is in reality very little you can do to stop a grown daughter making her own mistakes though I'm afraid.

I can understand your concerns.
You do not know the guy your daughter is planning to marry, and you do not know his residency status. You also have concerns there could be difficulties in the marriage due to different cultural and religious expectations.
You mentioned your daughter said the kids would be raised with both religions- does she mean Christian and Muslim?
I'd recommend some marriage preparation sessions.
There's a course that is run near me, set up by a church but caters to people of different religions or none.
Or you can get a book with marriage prep questions (the one I have is Christian but she could ignore the religious bits if she is non practicing).
Where I'm coming from is that I'm in a marriage with a guy from a different culture, although we share the same faith. My friend got me this book before we were married
www.gileadbookspublishing.com/love-across-latitudes.html

Really helpful for us, before and in our marriage.

There will be differences in expectations of husband and wife role, raising kids, even money, no doubt.
There will need to be give and take on both sides and both sides willing to talk things over or there will be heartbreak. Raising the issues beforehand should hopefully let them know where they both stand (if they are honest with each other).
Hope this is helpful xxx

The Home Office doesn't want them to travel here, because they're worried people from that area will overstay their visa/claim asylum. The easiest way for the Home Office to deal with it is to not allow anyone from that area to get a tourist visa. They do it for many countries.

Oh thankyou for that information that at least has settled my mind. I'm sure it's me being over protective but a mother's love. Besides if he ever hurt her he would live to regret it nothing like a mama bear who gets upset for her baby bears no matter what their age

Of course you are concerned. You've never met the man and he has been kept under wraps!

Also very much recommend dd visits family in Kurdistan before the wedding if possible it will give her an insight into the family and culture she is marrying into.
We didn't manage to travel to my dhs country until the honeymoon but it was really helpful for us to both have the context of each other's cultures.

I am in a mixed cultural/religion marriage. I eloped abroad at 18 to marry him and we celebrate our 20th anniversary at the end of this month! There have been ups and downs like any marriage but I can honestly say that the religious/cultural differences have caused little problems. We are all human beings with the same emotions at the end of the day.
Maybe your dd is frightened to be honest about the relationship as she is scared of your reaction.
He could be after a visa/passport but given your daughters age I would say this is highly unlikely.

I would be concerned if my Dd was marrying someone I had not met after a 10 month relationship, let alone a 3 month relationship as her sister maintains.

Had he got work / qualifications / a career? Is your Dd reasonably self sufficient, I.e have good job and income herself? I always think women are much less vulnerable if they have a job and are not reliant on a partner's income.