Hello ladies,
I am finding myself in a very awkward situation and I would like your feedback as to how I should tackle this. It’s a long post but I beg you to please read it and share your opinion.
I am a Slovenian girl, married to a Maltese and living in Malta. We have a 3 year old son who attends kindergarten. I have no Slovenian family here, I work full time….all in all a pretty stressful situation. But I am coping the best I can.
Recently I was discussing with my Maltese husband the possibility of sending the little one for a couple of weeks over the summer holidays, to my family in Slovenia to spend some time with his relatives there and then my mother would bring him back and spend more time in Malta with us. I’m not going to go into details, to save you ladies some time…..but hubby and I can’t agree on this as he tells me that the little one is too young to stay away from us. Again, I will not list here the pro and cons of this argument as it’s not the reason I’m bringing this up.
Yesterday, a friend of mine drew my attention to a post on Facebook, which was visible on her page. I am certain that this “Slovenian” girl mentioned in this post is me and the “friend from Paola” is my husband. This post was some by Maltese guy and it goes like this (obviously, names were changed for privacy):
Maltese Guy on FB: I have friend from Paola and he asked my opinion. Please can you help him and give your own opinion, advise or suggestion to him too.
"Suppose you are married to a Slovenian girl and have a three year old child. You are Maltese and settled in Malta. Your wife decides to take the child to Slovenia and leave him there alone with his Slovenian grandparents (whom he meets just a few days a year) for a whole week or more. What will your reaction be? What will you do? Your advice and opinion will be greatly appreciated."
And here are all the replies to this post:
A 1• I would tell your friend to settle this matter with his wife as intelligent adults do. No need to implicate the whole wide world, or publish on Facebook something that only concerns him and his wife.
• I'll hire a lawyer who's good at family cases and international law.
• A2 - Unfortunately the World Wide Web is full of fora with people facing the same predicament; not that i agree with people spilling their beans over the Web but these people exist. Anyways while everyone is in discord about the matter, there is a complete lack of Scientific information.. The best advice is that your friend takes an open minded impartial decision with his wife without external influences. The latter seem to be more damaging to the family unity and hence the children than any other event. The damage done to families by external influences is scientifically proven.
• Maltese Guy on FB - I agree that was the intention of this missile. Thanks for your advice. My friend will appreciate it.
Maltese Guy on FB - I have done so as my friend really trust me and thus I did not mention his or her name or dates. Meanwhile I happen to know the child personally and know him inside out and can judge his attitude quite well,,but I never decide without taking adequate advise from other people who know or from just one person. Then it is up to my friend and his wife without any direct external influence ( whoever it may be) to decide and face the music.
• A1 - Still, whether you know the child or not you should not interfere as the parents know better and can take the decision alone.
A3- Minor observation, Maltese Guy on FB, this post has public visibility which means that it's not just your facebook friends who can see it but anyone who finds himself here. This post will also show up on the timeline of anyone who likes or comments on it.
Maltese Guy on FB- you are right I never interfere but give advise to my friends ( apart from my children) and there is nothing to be ashamed of to show one;s opinion so others can reflect on it. But I must register my belief so that nobody can point at me accusingly in the future.
• Maltese Guy on FB - Thanks A3 that is why I kept names and dates out of it.
• A1- posting this publicly can be considered very much as interfering and even bullying.
• Maltese Guy on FB - I have done this so that my friend can see what others say before taking a final decision. In fact my friend knows quite well that I do not bully others as I have other means of persuading if needed..This is not a debate between us two.. In fact I am not going to put my impression forward. As I have said before I meant others to do so, thus leaving my friend to decide with his wife with all suggestions and advice put forward by others in the background Meanwhile thank you for your help and suggestions. My friend will appreciate them.
• A1 - I wouldn't trust a person who is looking for advice on public sites instead of resolving the issue with his wife. And when his friend thinks this helps, he is very wrong! This could cause real damage to the family relationship.
• Maltese Guy on FB - You may be right but not everybody thinks so. In fact my friend, being trustworthy , humbly prefers to hear other people's suggestion, before deciding, instead of being forced by somebody else to act accordingly,
• A3 - If it were my friend, I would just remind him that such decisions are up to the couple to agree upon and no one else's let alone something to put to a public vote.
And in all fairness, had it been me to ask a friend for a personal opinion and that friend went ahead and posted my concerns on facebook I would take a hard look at that friendship and my friend's motivation.
• Maltese Guy on FB - A3 as you have seen I have been careful not to mention names so as all replies will not be personal but in bona fde a means of help.This was not meant as public vote nor motivated by other intentions but as frank discussion whereas advice and suggestions will be brought forward so that , as you rightly said., the couple will finally decide between themselves what to do.
• A3 - I'll ask you a slightly different question Maltese Guy on FB. Let's say I have a Maltese friend married to a German girl and they live together in London with their daughter. Their daughter only gets to see her grandparents on either side of the family for a few days a year. Should my friends let the kid spend a week or two over holidays at the Maltese grandparents where they can enjoy daily trip to the beach? Should they likewise let the girl spend a week or two with the maternal grandparents enjoying the Bavarian countryside? I am also assuming that the grandparents on either side of the family would like to give our hypothetical couple a week to themselves away from child duties.
• Maltese Guy on FB- Sorry A3 for my late reply... As for your question it is the same one I asked with a difference of a girl instead of a boy. I have my own opinion but I preferred to hear others to give their own idea and experience about what criteria has to be taken into consideration when discussing this problem without being too personal ,so that I could evaluate my own as wether they are too avant garde or outdated before passing my own advice to my friend as to how to proceed in deciding it with his wife.
• A1 - Judging by the “large” number of opinions offered on this thread, people seem to feel uncomfortable to offer their advice on a matter that concerns ONLY the couple involved. I pity that couple, as it now has to deal with whatever issues this post created.
• Maltese Guy on FB- They shied away as certain individuals scared them away...but will try again if you wish. However the couple mentioned have learned to shoulder the consequences I hope. Good luck to the child concerned,
• A1 - I would think that the only thing the couple could learn from this is how damaging it is to have others discussing their predicament on a social network. Have you wondered about how the wife might feel seeing all this displayed on Facebook without being asked for permission?
• Maltese Guy on FB- As long as her name was not mentioned ( and I did my best to leave anonymous) and she did not try to show it or put in clues to it ,she would be immune to any splashing and would certainly enjoyed hearing other views discussed democratically without direct interference..but there is always...............
• A3 - Certain prejudices hit a nerve with many of us in relationships with 'foreigners'. I've had girlfriends being referred to as 'she's ok for a xxxxxxx' or 'be careful because foreigners don't share our same values'' and assorted other cringeworthy comments as if Malta is some moral authority and yardstick by which propriety or simply humanity in general should be judged.
• Maltese Guy on FB - Dear A3 you are totally out of context.....we are not discussing the value and qualities of foreign brides or bridegrooms ( I also have a "foreign" daughter in law of whom I can vouhcsafe and laud as if she was my own daughter ). So please if you have any criteria on how this couple can discuss this question between them ( eg age, personality of child, distance of countries involved and airlines avaliable in case of emergency etc) pleaes do put them forward. If not let others do so. Thanks again for your co-coperation.