Indian families

[kismet1]

Never expected to become an Indian housewife...especially at my age (41) but here I am Bam! just like that. Used to be v anglicised and independent but with just a healthy respect for my culture...and it aint even an arranged marriage. Anyone else stunned at where they have ended up. Don't get me wrong...I have two beautiful kids and even if my marriage isnt what I expected I couldnt possibly regret it when they are the result.

what is it that you are unhappy about? of course marriage is a big shock to the system but at 22 i soon realised that some things inevitably change. I do have all the freedom i could want with a great husband...well within reason i know that going back packing around the world is out of the question. i have my time which is great i can honestly say there is more that i would have liked to have done in my single days..but hey thats life things change and im greatful for what i do have. I thought that nmarrying later would have meant that you are now older and wiser?

kismet1, I feel abit like you, I am really stuck at home so to speak as I have stood back and allowed dh to climb his career ladder, I do the home and kids 100%, and although I would like to finish studying and atleast get a degree I know I will have to wait till the kids are older and that means old enough to look after themselves because dh has gone so far and deep into his work that he hardly has any time for us. I try to enjoy bringing them up but some days I could do with going out to work and doing something abit more demanding than cooking pasta and reading Alice in Wonderland!

I think life is never really what u expect it to be. I had a arranged marriage at the age of 26 & we have DS ( who is 19mths) when I was 30. I always thought I wanted to work but after DS I wanted to stay home but couldnt because we couldnt do without my salary & now I envy SAHM. Its really wierd I am sort of trapped by my own success, my mum would be appalled if i didnt work & even my friends who have kids wouldnt understand. I think its important to have a identity beyond being a mother or a wife but equally to remeber that the role of a mother at least is very very important.

Admylin, could u study part time? & get some paid help or have family help with the kids so that u can study. Everything is possible if u really want to this

SANA yes I could study if we moved back to the UK, I hope dh will get a job there for next year then the whole day would be free for myself to study or work even. Where we live now it is too complicated as a family to both work - school is only till lunch time every day too so you really only have a short morning to yourself - and with no family around the school holidays are my big problem.
As soon as I get back to teh UK I hope to start my life anew!

Ameli, sorry, we moved house few weeks ago and our PC is not so accesible as yet so only occasionally log on. To be honest I was feeling a bit down at that time cos desperately tired with new baby and moving house. More upbeat now. Hormones..to certain extent..DD only 8 wks old! Things much better than they used to be when DS born to be fair. What amazed me then was DP's traditional attitudes in spite of having promised me he was a 'new man' before marriage. He believed that I should have known that I would have no life on having kids and would be expected to stay in 24/7 as a SAHM and be grateful for it. Found it v difficult after years of living alone and v independently. On marriage had left work, left all friends & family in London, moved town, sold my house and felt completely at sea and cut off from my reality as I had known it, still do at times. All that said, I'm very lucky in many ways. Worked for c17years and chose to have a career break when DS born. Have been off now for 2.5ish years and DP's attitudes have got better. He has twice let me go out evenings recently and looked after both kids (with DD only few wks old)and DS 2 and a bit which would never have occured to him before. Took 6 months after DS born for him to show me he could make cup o chai, which was difficult as we have no family close by and DP didnt believe in allowing DS to be babysat so I had to do everything for DS and got no breaks ever other than occasional trips to stay at mum's, while he, on the other hand, still got to go away on boys hols. Original message written just after MIL visit telling me how shameful that I don't do this and dont do that and dont make mega Indian meals every day for her DS.

i know that married life is not what you expect it to be. Although in the long term if you are in a loving relationship im sure your partner will understand that you need your space too. Have you tried talking to him about how you really feel? i know you mentioned that he said that you should have expected to be a full time mum. Im sure if he was aware how mych the situation is affecting you and getting you down then he would make an effort. Letting you out a coplu of nights sounds good, im sure he wants a happy mum and partner. As for the MIL, my advice to you is ....stuff her! they can be so interfering and self rightious. Also it is none of her business what you cook in your house, yes i know thay cant help themself. Just try to ignore her comments if you can, and as for trying to please them, sometimes it's not worth it.

Thanks for your support ameli. I think had I gtot married younger it would have been easier. as it is i experience independence and being respceted as an individual and now find myself in the archetypal indian community where i am expected only to be a wife and mother and to have no needs myself. DP isnt really intersted in how it makes me feel. Thought I was a drama queen the first pregnancy cos i was constantly throwing up. Much more sympathetis this time round but still goes on about fact that i am not unique and millions of women doing it the world over. not what you need to hear when youve had tough day and just want a hug. As for MIL, I would happily ignore her if I dint know that DP would rail against it, His mum is foremost in his mind much of the time. Not enough to have being living with her before i met him but enough that she will always come first. anyway, he is not all bad and as i say he has improved his attitudes since we married. i am sure i have many faults too. its always going to be difficult when two people have spent years learning to be self-sufficient and then have to get used to accomodating someone else.

apologies for all the typos

yes it is tough being wife and mum.Althoughyou will find that you are not in the minority , we all find it difficult to cope from time to time. Do you have msn, if you want to chat then mesage me on [email protected]