Advice please

[LuciaRose]

I am sorry, I posted this message on another topic. Anyway, here it is:

Hello

I'm new to this board, but I've been having a look at some of the posts. I am white, 33 years old and I have a lovely boyfriend, who is Indian/Italian, although he has always lived in England and is very British culturally. We've been together for 18 months, but my parents refuse to meet him because of his colour. I think this is partly racist and partly because they are worried that we will have problems if we take our relationship further and especially, have children.

Firstly, are my parents right? What kind of problems will we be up against. Although we live in London now and don't have problems at the moment, I was brought up in the country and would like to live there eventually, especially if we have children. I have just bought a holiday cottage in the Cotswolds, where we have friends - does anyone here know this area? I hate the thought that I couldn't just live where I want to, or that my children won't have the freedom I have had. Will they suffer racism at school? Are things getting better or worse? Do you think these are legitimate concerns, or am I building it up to be worse than it is.

Secondly, my parents are very upset with me and I don't want to hurt them. I understand that their generation had different views on this matter and it really is a taboo to them. Have any of you had to deal with prejudice from your families? How did you deal with it? I'm very close to my parents, but we have reached an impasse on this topic - they just refuse to meet my boyfriend.

I also wondered what it is like to have children who are not the same colour as you. Does it honestly feel strange? Do you get stares and uncomfortable comments? I think this is partly what my parents are worried about. How would our children feel having parents who look different? Do any of you have children who are an Indian/Caucasian mix? What are our children likely to look like?

I love my boyfriend, but there are clearly issues regarding interracial relationships. I know there are many people in the world who don't agree with it and I am really worried I won't be able to cope. Any advice from people in a similar situation would be so helpful.

Thank you.

Lucia

Well where do I start?

I think you need to educate yourself a bit more about how you would feel if you had dual heritage children.

I certainly DON'T feel strange towards them as they are a different colour to me, equally they are a different colour to their Father my husband ..we love them unconditionally.

Yes if you had children and attended a predominatly white school they would experience racism , you have to be able to provide a positive upbringing so that they have a positive image about their own identity and those around them.

If you feel that you wouldn't be able to cope with the possible racism that you and your partner might experience you have to ask yourself why? Do you not have views about this. Isn't racsim wrong?

If you believe the same as your parents then maybe you are not in the right relationship.

your parents also need educating and only you can do that.

Ask you boyfriend how he feels about being mixed/ dual heritage.How he would feel about kids, his experiences, how he coped or dealt with situation.

You also need to consider how if you had children you could poistivly challenge any rascism.

One final point.. what does it matter what you children will 'look like'? as long as they are loved and healthy?

When I said 'them' meant my two DD's!!

Thank you for your reply. I think you're right, I do need to be eductated, which is why I'm asking for advice here. To be honest, I feel completely at sea. When I met my bf I wasn't worried at all about the race difference, but my parents, various news stories and experiences on this site have alerted me to some of the horrors. Of course I don't agree with racism and I've had many arguments with my parents about it. I really have done my best to bring them round. I just feel I'm not getting much support - my bf just thinks this is a non-issue. He's lucky if he hasn't experienced racism, but most people on this site seem to have done and of course it exists. I'm just trying to work out how it will affect our lives.

Best wishes.

I am an African American married to a white Englishman. I did consider where we would live in the US so as not to bring any racist out the wood work who could kill us. In moving to this country after ten years of living together happily in the US, I had my concerns about living with my mixed raced children in a predominately white town in Herts . I have not had a moment's problem with racism and my children are thriving in their local school. I don'tknow about the Cotswold, but I hope to visit one day. I won't hesitate because of my skin colour or that of my children.

My in-laws were born just before the war so they could be of your parents' generation, but they did not have such prejudices (or if they did, they never let on). Since I moved here a year ago, I've gotten to know my mil better as a person and she me. Without meeting your boyfriend, your parents are not likely to get to know him as a person. Maybe that's what they want to do...keep their prejudices by not seeing the person.

You know the person, the boyfriend, but what you don't seem to know if he's the one you plan to commit to even if it means problems with your family. That is challenging to any relationship. I would continue being careful about pregnancy and explore your own feelings about your boyfriend and his place in your life. Your parents are taking a big risk in distancing you this way. Even if they won this battle, they may just loose your respect.
Good luck.

Hi Twoboysmom

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It is good to hear that you have not had any problems in this country and that there are members of the older generation who are more broad-minded. I think you are quite right - they are worried they would like him and that would challenge their prejudices. Although I do really love my parents, I think they have already lost some of my respect. Every time I have suggested they meet him, they just get hysterical and it's so painful for me that I've stopped mentioning him. They have made it clear to me they will never accept him. I would always listen to good advice, but why would I drop someone just because they say so. I've tried to guess their reasons, and that's partly why I'm posting on this board, to find out what people's experiences are.

Thanks again.

I'm very lucky to come from a family with no racist tendancies at all, infact because we lived in a small town with no foreign or dark skinned people - they invited exchange students and took part in international guest programmes so we could get to know different people.We had Indonesians, Black Americans, Marrocan and Eygyptians staying at our house when we were kids,mostly graduate students touring Europe with exchange programmes.

When I met dh who is also indian I didn't even think of his skin colour, I saw him as a person. Now, 9 years later, I can't say I regret it all but I sometimes think I have made my life harder than it would be if I'd married a brit. from my own back ground. There are so many conflicts and things that just tire me out that I wouldn't otherwise have. I could go into detail but it would be so long.
With the children (we have ds and dd) there are no problems, they are very lucky and happy to have both of our backgrounds and although they feel british they also know they have a gran in India and loads of cousins and we've been over to visit which was a great experience for the kids. They go to a school with lots of different mixtures and colours so no trouble there either.

LuciaRose just posted something on another post (one that you orginally posted on) it's quite a long post however would add that children can be quite cruel at the best of times, ginger hair, glasses, teeth, brand of footwear, type of clothes, what mobile, need i go on. your children will be gorgeous to you and that's all that matters as long as (like i said in the other post and others have said) you give them what they need unconditional love, self belief and make them proud of their heritage

hiya i am white british dh is african we have one son and have been together for 7 year. i would say to you that you would love your child children however they look and its not really a factor. my family and his family never had a problem or expressed it to us . i grew up in london and birmingham two very openly multicultral places which
if you love ur partner it really shouldnt matter what other people even ur family think.
ive come across some pretty racist remarks in my relationship ( always from outsiders) but that is their ignorrance.
love is blind i really think its a beuatiful; world where we all should unite,
our race doesnt defind us , sure there maybe a few cultural differences that you learn. but we are all people with the same heart, and feeling.

we race our lil one to learn both cultures and languages

i sorry to say this but i think ur parnts are racist, hard to imagine when they live in London.i would just take him round there to have a chat.
i think ur parents are the type that stare make comments (lik u said they could be worried about)
i wish u all the luck n just remember its YOUR LIFE

Hi I'm Indian and so is DH. I lived in London but married in Cotswolds in fairly white middle class town. There are actually fewer problems here because the locals don't encounter the difficulties that one does in London eg higher crime,poverty in some areas etc. They don't actually encounter a lot of asians at all here I imagine as even I don't see them around town even though I know they are there having seen them at the temple. If you are able to integrate well and communicate well I think the Cotswolds are welcoming. I don't know how my parents' generation would fare though. My kids get loads of favourable attention and I suspect it is because they are unusual down here so they are noticed as being cute simply because they look cute in a different way to the local children. I hope things work out well for you.

Hi Kismet

That is interesting that you live in the Cotswolds - it is such a beautiful area. My bf and I already have friends there. He has always lived in the UK and is so "English", all except for his skin colour - we have never had any culture clash between us, so I would say we are well and truly integrated. I suppose I just worry that a lot of people just go on looks and would make assumptions without getting to know the person.

I am pleased that you have had a good experience in the Cotswolds. Can you tell me whereabouts you are? We are near Stow on the Wold.

Lucia

My advice is to relax and see how things go. I'm from an anglio asian background and I was the only such person in my school. If anything we were regarded with kind interest.

Don't anticipate too mucyh. My DS is English Indian and Italian and looks like he comes from Sweden!

Hello Lucia,

My experience was a bit the other way around ? I'm Indian, and my mum used to tell me that she would disown me if I ended up with any man that wasn't brown-skinned (I used to ask her if it was OK if it was a woman that wasn't brown-skinned - that didn't go down well!).

Well now, I'm happily married to an English man, who really is rather "English" in lots of ways, but my mum adores him, is teaching him all her secret recipes, and thinks that "he must have been Indian in a previous life"!!!

And culture clash does exist, but we get over it. And it's fun (we find eachother very exotic!).

My DS is GORGEOUS as all mixed race children are!!! He's too young to experience racism, but I did and lived, so he'll be fine no doubt. I think he's lucky to have two such rich cultures to draw from.

My mum came round to my way of thinking because I decided to pay no attention to her and do what I was going to do in my own life. And she knew if she didn't want to lose me, she'd better get on board. And now she is, she loves it!

well I hope any of my comments did not put you off, any kids you had would probably get racism at some point, but you love your children totally no matter what they look like and if they came out brown well you bf is brown so I guess you would love them like you love him - regardless of colour. Also if you are truly and madly and completely in love with your bf all this stuff does not really matter . i am mixed race too and it is better to be born and have the odd racist experience than never to be born at all.Even when my son gets racist abuse it is not worth never having children at all, it is upsetting but I never go 'oh I should not have had him he will be picked on', it is not mixed race children who should not be born in case they are bullied it is racist people who should stop being racist.i f you really love your bf thats is all that matters

And really your parents don't have a say it is your life, if you have doubts about all this maybe you should think why am I with this guy? As if you love him you have a good foundation anyway, or even imagine that you have a child who is very ethnic in appearance in the future, how does it feel to visualise yourself having a very ethnic baby? if you arent bothered why should you worry about what other people think? If you feel bad about it, you should let this guy go. i would not care what colour my kids were and neither would my white dh, he loves his dark skinned son and is proud of us , if you can't be proud of it, maybe it is not right for you with your background , I mean you must know what you really feel inside, what if you got pregnant next month by accident would you be happy or sad? theres your answer