Multicultural blended family problems

[Bankofmumanddad]

Hi I have noticed for quite some time that my ds1 who is from a different father (more like sperm doner as left me when pregnant) and is white rather than South asian or mixed race like the rest of the family except for me. My ds1 has known his real step dad my Dh since birth.

Anyway my Dh is indian-Muslim I converted to Islam as it was important to him for me too, but I'm not religious but do join Dh and the kids to go to mosque.

I worry he is lonely and feels different compared to the rest of the family. My Dh does treat him different to his own ds which I do pull him up on as I treat my step sons the same. Ds1 is not sent birthday cards by dh's family.

Dh told me once of that his mother told him to kick ds out of the family home as he is not her own.??

This really upsets me and I wanted to know if anyone else has a similar situation.

As I said before if your DH is as good a father as you keep saying he'll be expecting all of his sons to be treated the same and communicating those expectations clearly to his family. Is he doing this? Because it doesn't sound like it. It sounds as if he's allowing your son to be discriminated against and bullied.

At the moment you and your DH are facilitating this situation by allowing those 'racist bigots' to divide your family. Stop enabling this behaviour. Make it clear that your sons are equal and they are treated equally or the in-laws don't see them at all. There's no way I'd be going to visit them today unless it was to tell them in no uncertain terms what you think if their disgusting behaviour in excluding your son.

You and your husband need to treat your son as an equal part of your family and make it clear you expect everyone else to do the same. Your poor boy is on his own in this

I think you need to adopt an "all or nothing" stance with regard to all your children. Your DH and his family must treat them all the same.

Why allow your eldest son to choose his own religion (I applaud you for doing this btw) but not give your other children the same choice?

It was very important to Dh for dc's to be Muslim this upset my family who are c of e

OP I'm not sure what advice you want. You've been given plenty and seem to ignore it because you don't want to rock the boat. You're happy to upset your son and your own family to keep your in-laws happy. It's no surprise your son feels unsupported. He is
Only you can change this situation. But you have choose to treat your children equally and expect everyone else to do the same.

So what do I say to Dh your right I don't like rocking the boat

You tell him that you expect all of your children to be treated equally by him and your in-laws. If you are a family then you come as a package - all or nothing. Not all-except-the white-son-because-he-doesn't-count.
I'd also report your thread and ask it to be moved to the relationships board. You'll get more constructive support there

OP, are you afraid of your DH?

I would not be visiting his family with any of the children until they are willing to treat all of your children with equal care and respect.

I'm afraid you are putting your DH, his family, their "traditional" (racist) values and their religion before your DS.

Unless you grow a backbone nothing will change.

For a start, don't do the family visit today, or any future ones.

Your DH can't force his family to send your DS a card, but he could certainly register his disapproval of their rude and racist actions by explaining the situation to them. Except that he doesn't disapprove, he supports their views.

Too late now but why on EARTH did you marry this man, convert to his religion and have five more children?

It sounds like they tolerate the op because she did the 'right' thing by converting and bringing up 'their' family their way. Elder son is probably seen as an unfortunate part of the deal, and I suspect never mentioned to friends, neighbours and relatives.

They treat the elder son like dirt. Both parents should not put up with this. What happens when the other 'real' grandchildren get older? Are we talking arranged marriages here? Meddling in their lives. They are already being brought up in an environment that teaches them that white is trash, illegitimate kids are beyond the pale, and mum is passable because she converted and toes the line. This sounds very toxic.

Poor kid. He must feel so unwanted and alone. He is made to feel second class by virtue of his birth circumstances and current family culture. How angry he must feel.

Please stand up for your child. He didn't ask to be born or dragged into the Asian equivalent of the Alf Garnet family.

It sounds like they tolerate the op because she did the 'right' thing by converting and bringing up 'their' family their way.

They're also happy that their mixed race grandchildren look brown and not mixed

Honestly OP, your family is a prime example of how mixed religion marriages can be a minefield. One partner usually has to undergo a token conversion. One side usually demands that any children get raised in a way that denies the other side of their heritage.

Note I said mixed religion marriage and not mixed race marriage. My husband is Asian (Hindu background) but neither of us are religious and I've never had to deal with any of the crap the OP has suffered over the years.

poor boy, he must feel so lonely and confused. You really should not tolerate any more of this racist crap from the in laws. What if yours and your dh's children had taken after you and been white? I would refuse to visit until they seriously changed their outlook.
Your dh needs to grow a back bone, start treating him equally and stick up for him to his family.
Also, why did you convert if you are not religious? Converting to please others is wrong. I am also in a mixed marriage of 17 years, dh is muslim and I am C of E. I have total respect for Islam as I do for anyones beliefs but there was no way I was converting just to tow the line.