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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

Absent father - should we still encourage race celebration??

21 replies

jellyplate · 18/08/2006 14:56

I'm of mixed race myself but was never really brought up to appreciate both cultures.

My daughters father is white so she was just brought up as a white, english child.

I'm now pregnant again however and the baby's father is indian. We aren't in a relationship but should i still encourage my child to celebrate this part of their heritage?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sleepycat · 18/08/2006 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere · 18/08/2006 14:58

Definitely, I totally agree with sleepycat.

MarsLady · 18/08/2006 14:58

I think that both of your children should be able to celebrate their different heritages, regardless of where their father is or isn't.

Original poster

jellyplate · 18/08/2006 15:02

The only difficulty that i see is that obvioulsy i know very little about the culture so how can i succcessfully help ny child embrace it??

OP posts:

MarsLady · 18/08/2006 15:12

The internet is a wonderful place.

Plus... MN has asian mums on it. Just start a thread asking and I bet you'll have loads of responses.

Mine descent if caribbean so I wouldn't be much help in that respect... but I know that you'll find some of the answers here.

Carmenere · 18/08/2006 15:12

Well would your childs fathers family not want to have anything to do with your child? Just because you are not in a relationship with the dad doesn't mean the should be absolutely no contact surely?

Original poster

jellyplate · 18/08/2006 15:18

No, i would love there to be plenty of contact with the family but it's a bit more complicated than that.
I'm not saying that there is definately not going to be contact there from the family and dad but you never know how much until it happens and would like to be confident in what i'm doing if things dont go well with father/family.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 18/08/2006 15:21

Is he married?

Original poster

jellyplate · 18/08/2006 15:28

No he's not married - i'm not that stupid!!!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 18/08/2006 15:30

Ok sorry, generally 'it's complicated' is shorthand for hes married . I would just make it clear to him that this is one of the aspects of your childs upbringing that he needs to help you with.

crouchingtigeress · 18/08/2006 19:40

hi jellyplate, do you live in a multicultural area? Boroughs such as Newham, brent in london celebrate the main Asian festivals like diwali and eid e.t.c. I'm from Caribbean/Irish background but I still read stories to my ds about guru nanak (sikh religious figure). I think it would benefit both your daughters to learn about their, and other's cultures. Like Marslady suggested the internet is an excellent starting point.

But at the end of the day the choice is up to you - for some people it is not an issue. How did you feel growing up without knowing about both your backgrounds?

WideWebWitch · 19/08/2006 08:52

I agree that your new baby should know about and be able to celebrate his or her Indian heritage but I think it will be harder than if your baby's father and his family were involved, is there definitely no chance of that? Are you sure, even once the baby comes along? Is there any possibility of your having some kind of relationship with that side of the family even if you're not with the father?

My ds is half Indian (ex dh is Indian) but he sees his father every other weeekend and spends (and always has done) a lot of time with his dad's side of the family including my ex mil, who I'm very close to - she even babysits for both children and loves dd who isn't biologically related to her. So my ds gets to celebrate diwali etc and as a result of spending so much time with ex mil from an early age understands Gujarati although he can't/won't speak it. He goes to temple with them too, which is fine with me. I do think it's important that he spends time with thme and is involved. Ex mil's generation are also unique in that she went to school barefoot in India and came her 35 years ago and she's passing on the kind of stuff that may get lost otherwise.

moyasmum · 19/08/2006 09:48

Acknowledge the childs background in an encouraging way ,but if you arn,t having any long term committment with his culture/him/his family ,then do what you feel happiest for you family. Dont bend over backwards to embrace a culture you are not otherwise involved in. You and your children are the family unit ,and what makes you work is what is important.

suejonez · 19/08/2006 09:59

It is VERY important for you to celebrate your childs culture in some way, though I agree you don't need to go over the top. Once children recognise "difference" from about 3, and they start developing self esteem, one of the ways they do it is by associating themselves with who they see that looks like them.

Local festivals are a good idea.

Also there is a great book by Carrie Kitze - I don't have your eyes. Which is aimed at mutilcultural adoptive familes but I would think works well with any multicultural families eg "I don;t have your eyes, but I have your way of seeing things"

ScummyMummy · 19/08/2006 09:59

Sorry- hijack

I SO love the sound of your mil, www. She always sounds like such an amazing, caring, generous spirited woman. It's lovely that you're so close.

jellyplate- good luck with finding ways to celebrate your baby's part Indianness. I think it's great that you're thinking about this and believe that research shows that it is usually a very good move for people to know about and celebrate all parts of their heritage though I have no personal experience of being a parent to mixed race children myself.

MarsLady · 19/08/2006 10:10

jellyplate... I hope you find ways to celebrate your children's cultures and also your own. Whilst they are small and seem not to take anything in it is easy to say... don't worry about that as long as you are happy as you are... but that would be wrong. It's very important that you and your family learn about each other's heritage and your own shared heritage. As they get older they will thank you for what you do to make this possible. Do you have friends that reflect your children's heritage? Make the most of them. And for you yourself, you may find that in embracing new cultures you discover a new side to yourself. There is much to be learnt from each of us.

Personally (and you'll never have guessed from my post) I think it's incredibly important. btw what is your mixed heritage?

WideWebWitch · 19/08/2006 16:29

< hijack reply, thanks Scums! She is fantastic, ex mil, I'm closer to her than my own mum, she's a very important part of my life and one of the nicest people I know, I know I'm lucky we stayed close>

Original poster

jellyplate · 21/08/2006 13:28

Hi everyone.
Sorry not had chance to come online over weekend. There's a lot of opinions there but i have to say that i do agree that the baby should be able to celebrate it's heritage and i do hope that the dad and his family have an involvement.

To marslady - my heritage is white british and west indian.

OP posts:

HappyMumof2 · 22/08/2006 16:34

Message withdrawn

twoboysmom · 06/09/2006 14:20

Her Indian heritage may not be something you can ignore if it is imprinted on her face and body and if her father wants to see the child. I think being proactive and knowing something about half of your child's cultural background that you can tell her/him would be a positive protection of child's self image against ignorance and prejudice.

bubblez · 06/09/2006 14:25

I agree with other posters that it is a good idea to celebrate every part of the childs heritage regardless of whether the father is about or not.

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