how do we deal with in-laws?

[Sandi102]

hi..i've been wanting to do this for some time now, but have finally decided that after 10 years of living with inlaws, i want to persuade DH to move out, into a different area and into our own place..one that i can call home with my kids ds6 and ds2.. we have seen a property which we are looking to invest in by renting it out..but i can live with that for another year..but after that we just need to get out

i can't really explain the details..as i'd be writing an award winning novel!..but the last 2 years have been so unbearable and is just getting worse..not better..however my DH is an only son and his parents are 60+..they expect us to live with them forever! I JUST CAN'T DO THIS..i'll be 30 soon and i want my own place where i can invite my friends and family..ds's friends round for tea / play etc etc..

but i have to make DH understand that for the sake of our kids and our relationship we must move..i think because we've lasted this long DH thinks we could go on for longer..but i'm just so fed up of not being in control of the cooking, the kids, the washing up etc etc..but most of all i can't stand the way she blames everything on the kids..she lies and causes arguments..its been like this for years now..and somehow become the norm..i complain to DH all the time..but i suppose he sess that as the norm too..how do i make him understand?

Are the in-laws in good health?

father in law suffers with diabetes.and is also an alcoholic..every night by 6.30pm he is out of his tree..my DH walks in from work..acknoldges that he's pissed..and he can see from the look on my face i;m not happy abt it, cz his behaviour is sooo bad..he swears and doesn't eat properly..often we hav to assist him up the stairs cz he's legless..then there are times where he just won't leave the kids alone..he just annoys them..by pinching them, saying stupid things that play them off against each other..i could go on and on..i can't trust my kids around him

my MIL is fit, healthy and mainly looks after the kids while i'm at work..she gets very stressed by this as she's not a kiddy person..she knows only how to shout and not to show love and affection..

i know if we moved, there lives would be shattered as they hav no one else other than their daughter down the road who is married with her own children..they would miss the kids tremendously..but i've given them this long to change their ways,,we've put up with it, with major bust ups along the way..but even then they don't appreciate us..perhaps by moving out, they will begin to..i just don't know..but what i do know is that i am so determined to want to leave, that if my DH doesn't agree with me..it will leav me heartbroken

Gosh I think those living conditions sound appalling. I would not want to bring up kids in such an environment. Does dh acknowledge how awful it is for you? I'm not sure how you can convince him other than telling him how very unhappy you are and how it's no fun for the kids.

DH has tried to sort them out many times..for a few days things are settled and then it all goes back to normal..but to me the way we live is not normal..people talk and have civilised conversations..not his parents..they don't know how to communicate, other than shout and shriek

i'm not a mallicous person..and sometimes i wonder whether i ought to be..just so we can get the hell out of there..we have such an open and honest relationship and i don't want to start doing tricks or threatning to leave him etc..cz that;s not me..i've always liked to resolve things thro compromise..

DH feels so responsbile as an only son not to leave his parents..i don't show that i'm unhappy in front of the kids..but he knows deep down that i am..he's been trying to keep both his parents and me happy..but unfortunatley he's going to have to choose..who's happiness means most?..he gets so angry at his parents for the way they behave in front of our kids..but they think we are in the wrong..

can u help me?..wat do i do?..off to morrisons now..but will be back later..thanks for your response saadia

sandi I really do sympathise but I'm not sure what you can do to change things. I also would not like to take the threatening approach and talking things through really is the best way. Is dh worried about how they will cope without him? Could you explain that he can still be there for them even if you move out - perhaps he could make a routine to visit them during the week, help out with shopping etc to reassure them that he hasn't abandoned them?

you see saadia, we would still support them in any way that we can..shopping, doctors etc etc. but i think we're also unsure of the way they will react to the news we are moving out..they can either b angry at first, then fine about it later, once they got used to the idea..or they will completely disown us..and i don't think we could ever cope with that..its so unfair..why do they put us under this kind of pressures?..why can't they just accept that its best all round for us to go our seperate ways..and i truly believe we will have a better relationship with them..incl. the kids..they will appreciate the time they will get to spend with them..thus showing the love and affection i've always wanted the inlaws to give to them

They just sound so unreasonable. Perhaps it all depends on how you tell them, or if you come up with a good reason for moving eg schools/work. It doesn't sound like they will disown you, that would be like cutting off their nose to spite their face. Hopefully they will come round but I think you do have to at least try and make the move. You can't live like this forever.

Hi - I am new here, first post. My dh either couldn't or wouldn't believe how awful my mil was to me until he came home from work unexpectedly early one day and she was so busy ranting at me that she didn't hear the door open. He stood in the hall for a while, then when he came in she was totally mortified as she realised she had been rumbled. He applied for and got a job further away and we moved. Best thing we ever did, or eventually there would have been a divorce. My children were so much happier away from the stress of her manipulative behaviour. It was a struggle, financially, for a while, but worth it.

thanks 3littlefrogs and welcome to mumsnet..ur post has given me hope, however, DH knows wat his parents are like..but he stil finds it difficult to move away from them. Its not that we can't afford it..i'm sure we'll struggle, too, but would be worth it..just so i can get my kids into a happier environment

Sandi102 - I do understand. my husband is an only child from a culture where caring for his parents is of paramount importance. We didn't move a huge distance away, just far enough that they couldn't be on top of us all the time. He visits them regularly and takes the children to visit. We all go from time to time, but we have our own space now, and we have all benefited. She couldn't stand me, but after over 20 years she realises she is stuck with me and we have reached a sort of truce! Also, everyone's stress level is reduced. I think it is important to realise that people are living longer - well into their 90s these days - how long can you live like this?

I've got a friend who grew up in her grandmothers house. She says she was a miserable and bitter old woman who made her mothers life hell and never appreciated all that she did for her, it really affected her childhood. Also why would you want your kids around all that drunken behaviour, growing up thinking it is somehow acceptable. It would be utterly tragic if they managed to suck you into their misery on a permanant basis. Caring is one thing but living their life is quite another.

One of my best friends (male) is a Sikh and has been married and divorced twice (both arranged). He has an 8yo daughter that he has not seen for 6 years. The reasons his marriages failed was because both wives wanted to live in their own homes. He felt that as the older son that it was his duty to stay with his parents.

His first marriage lasted 4 months and the second 18months. Both wives have remarried and are happy. He is now living with his widowed mother in the Midlands, his brother is married and living in Wales and his sister has been banished from the family for marrying a Jamaican.

There comes a time when you have to put yourself first or else who will end up with a miserable life which will only breed resentment.

I would like to add that the only thing you can do at this point is to try to build a better relationship with your in laws. The conditions that you describe seem awful and surely cannot be good for the kiddies. Two choices , firstly you talk to your hubby and explain to him exactly how you feel, or you could just try to make the best of things in the here and now and resolve to do more things as a family..so's that you get so me time to yourself aswell. i know this is a very difficult situation , obviously your DH loves his parents dearly and wants to do the right thing by them, im sure he is kind of torn between his loyalties to them and you. Keep trying to talk to him, you say you have a good relationship so im sure he would eventually try to see you p.o.v. Good look, i think you are very generous and patiant for everything you have done so far..im sure you will get many blessings for this.

i've tried to build better relationships with my in-laws for years now, and have just given up hope..if i can change my ways, why can't they..besides its as if they expect me to conform to them and continue to treat me like an outsider, who is not allowed an opinion in their house..

i've really had enough now..we (incl. DH) haven't spoken to MIL for 6 weeks now..she is sooo unreasonable..she said yest. that she doesnt want anything to do wit us..she wanted a reaction and we didn't give her one..we've learnt the hard way to keep our mouths shut when she starts on us..because she always seems to twist the conversation into something else, which is completely irrelevant..

I don't want to leav on bad terms, but how long can we continue to live like this? i keep telling DH we've got to get ourselves sorted..kids are growing up and we'll want them to have their own space to do their own thing..he agrees, but fininancilly its not so great..unless we were both in better paid jobs...

What gets me down the most, is when all they ever seem to do is put-down us and their own grandchildren..constantly..don't do this, don't do that..ur making a mess..can't u just sit down..ur so naughty and don't listen..for those of you that have read parenting books (esp. s. bidduplh) the constant putdowns leads to a lack of confidence..and this is clearly apparant in DS1..steadily improving, but my interventions, but ds should not have to be subjected to these constant putdowns and i'm well and truly sick of it..so fed up to the point I just want to pack our bags and leave..but don't have anywhere to go..and more importantly don't want to disrupt ds1 schooling and what he considers his normal way of life..i want to change this..where we are live in more harmony and peace, where the constant bickering and shouting and foul behaviour doesn't exist.

i just feel so low and shit at the moment..thanks for the posts