Do you support "family" financially?

[admylin]

Do you send money to family back home? I have MIL in Bangladesh and a SIL in Pakistan who my dh sometimes sends money to, the thing is - the MIL especially told dh not to send it and to spend it on his kids but he keeps doing it. It bugs me abit because we have just got through 6 years of life as a student family so our financial situation is not yet that great - the kids could do with some treats but then again I've been to Bangladesh and Pakistan and I know how lucky we are. Do any of you have experience in this? Does it get on your nerves? I try not to be selfish but it would be different if we had loads of money to spare but we don't really.

hi admylin

i can understand your situation but feel that its your husband who you need to speak to. Try to make him understand, not in an argument, that you simply cannot afford to send as much. Dont stop him from sending anything at all, after they are his family and he may end up resenting you for this. As in our culture we have to show respect for husbands family, unfortunately it does not always work vice versa. Think of all the positive things in your life, people in a lot worse situations. ok, sometimes peeps in pakistan and Bangladesh take advantage of our good nature, making us question them. However, regardless of this think of the good you can do and at the same time stop arguments with hubbie over this. Come to some sort of budget plan , money for pak/kids. I know its not always this straight forward and money does not grow on trees! Although it looks like for the sake of the relationship with hubbie, let it pass, compromise and enjoy your life with your kids and hubbie.

Ameli, thanks for the tips and that is pretty much the way I handle it. I suppose when you decide to marry into another culture from whichever country, you have to make compromises, only it always seems as if the compromises are one sided! I mean he gets his curries and I taught our kids loads about islam for MIL's sake more than anything. He refuses to do christmas - we both aren't really religeous so it wouldn't harm just for their sake but then again I can't get any feelings abour eid although if he wanted to do it we could. He hasn't got time for any of it so he says!

HI, Same here, well not quite. Both of us are earning money and don't get too involved with the other one's bank account. Not really short of money either. But it sometimes does bugger me the time and effort he spends on organising things for them. I have to do things for his family which I wouldn't/don't do for my family When we have a fight I can't resist bringing up the one time his sister came to visit us. It was the only time he bought loo paper, with flowers...Oh, and she didn't speak to me directly at all except to ask about the Muslim upbringing of my ds (neither dh or me are religious...)..

i think it would bother me more if he wasnt taking care of his mother. or worse, if she insisted on him sending money toher to the detriment of the kids.
if he is taking care of her, then he will take care of you and the kids. and she is being a decent person as well. as long as you and the kids are not going without the necessities, id try and be patient

Hello admylin,
what a nice MIL to tell him not to send money!
I am afraid that it is something of a status symbol, how much they send home, and what a big house/business the family at home builds with it.
Everyone I know lies to a greater or lesser extent about their great life in Europe, when in reality theyre living a dogs life.
The worst thing is, that the family back home usually believes them, and Ive also heard about people back home having the latest mobile phones, trainers, etc, while the person who is in Europe is really suffering to send the money home.

This is one of the hardest nuts to crack, and I have yet to meet anyone who is totally immune to it. The good side, however, is that if the family back home is smart, they will invest the money in something that your children will enjoy for years to come, for example a nice house where they can go for holidays.

In answer to your question, yes, we did it, we sent money that we had borrowed when we were on benefits. It was needed, and I dont regret it at all, but neither do I think that the recipient had the remostest idea what we were going through.

Nightynight, everything you wrote I have experienced first hand! I know a family from India with 2 small boys and they live in a tiny council flat with 1 bedroom and only heating in one room and back in India the family lives in a massive house with AC and they drive a jeep all from his money. They even fly to india with some really cheap kasakstan or ukraine airline and when the MIL came over to germany she got a lufthansa ticket sent to her!
You are right about the status symbol, even though my MIL said not to send, my dh sends because it makes him feel guilty not to which I don't understand! I mean he complains about the system and corruption over there and he is academic and has his PhD so you would think he would be over the "macho" duty thing.
Over there they all have maids and drivers and nannies for the kids - so they aren't so hard up but if you get sick youhave to pay alot to get good treatment and a good hospital so I hope MIL saves it atleast for that.

How about instead of regularly sending money suggesting that dh save up for a flight ticket so MIL can come and visit you all, be more involved in your family and get closer to her grandkids?

Ooh this strikes a chord with me!!
Dh's family are not well off and I try very hard not to begrudge the money we give them. I would do the same if it was my family and would expect dh to support me in this. What I find hard to bite my tongue about is that SIL and BILs are all retiring in their 40s because of the strange pension system in their country. They have enough from pensions to live a reasonable life but come any crisis they can't cope and dh foots the bill again. If we had enough for ourselves I'd be fine with it, but we haven't had a decent holiday etc for years. I hate myself when I let comments slip out like 'why don't they get a job?' because then I sound so greedy and selfish. Dh says, 'but they are looking after my elderly parents, you don't care about them etc etc'. All very emotive and the only answer is to bite my tongue and smile sweetly. aggghhhh

Yes I also wanted her to come and stay with us for a while and the german embassy was quite happy to give her a visa but she will not travel alone and the only BIL in question who could accompany her was not granted a visa! Maybe one 15 year old grandson of hers could come with her but if he doesn't do it this year he will also be on teh "risk of not coming back" list and will not get a visa either. He came last summer with his 9 yr.old brother and my SIL for 1 month. They ate so much , it was unbelievable and every time I left the house SIL dived for the phone and rang all her relatives from all over the world to tell them she was in germany, in the end I had to take the phone with me when I went to pick the kids up at school!
Later in the month she realised that we were not rich europeans like they all think we are and she told her mum (my MIL) when she got back how hard up we were after 6 years of student life and she said not to send any money anymore. Now dh has his first semi-well payed job he feels the guilt and has to send even though she doesn't need it, she has 14 kids all grown up and married or working and a great house like a villa in the middle of Dhaka. Half the offspring live in USA Dubai or Germany, some in Pakistan with excellent jobs and there are a few in Bangladesh too all married to doctors or engineers. So when my kids are in need of summer clothes and new bikes and we need loads of stuff for our flat,it bugs me when he sends money anyway.

im afraid that ther e is no answer to this, except to either change it, or put up with it in a pleasant way.

I think it is something you just have to put up with if you marry into this sort of culture.
My DH regularly sends money back to his family in Egypt who certainaly need it as his father is not around at the moment. It does anoy me sometimes though, as he has a brother who is extremely lazy and contributes nothing to the household and sometimes we struggle to pay our own bills.

I'm afraid this is a cultural expectation - particularly on sons, and it is something you have to accept when you marry into the culture. having said that, your culture should be respected too, so if you want to celebrate Christmas and easter then go ahead and do it! I had a bonanza as a kid with Christmas etc as well as Eid!

We also send money back to DH's family in Zimbabwe - and when we were out there recently we not only left the equivalent of approx £200 (we'd converted our £'s on the black market and it was a waste of money to get it converted back on the offical exchange rate) we also probably spent close to the same amount (if not more) buying things (especially food and household goods) for his family.

We're not great off financially - but knowing the difference it makes, and how (relatively) easy life is here when you're on a low income makes it worthwhile (to me).

I have come to terms with the fact that my dh has to send money for his own peace of mind even though his family can manage.
It is just that when you first fall in love you just don't think of everything, I didn't even see dh as being different because I was brought up to not make any difference with skin colour, it all started later when we went to Pakistan the first time and I was already expecting ds, then when dd came along the reality hit me because you have 2 kids to care for and they are suddenly more important than any one else in your life.