Do you live outside of London? Mixed race kids happy?

[expecting]

A newcomer to mumsnet, but read with interest some of the previous thread about the pros/cons of bringing up mixed race children in areas that aren't multicultural. Would be grateful if anyone can tell me about any positive experiences - and from which area. Born & bred in South London and don't know much about demographics in other areas of the UK. Want to stay South to be near to family. Want to move to escape a shoebox.

small village in rural derbyshire - pop approx 500. 497 white, 1 black (dh) 2 mixed race (ds1 & ds2) !!!!!!

Been here 7 months - Welcomed with open arms. Not a single problem.

Very encouraging. Thanks. Would like to live South though as both sets of grandparents reside in the outskirts of London.

I'm mixed race...dh is white ...we have 2 children.I've lived in Herts,Brighton, Leeds , and Norwich and Cheshire ( very small town) since having kids.
Cheshire has been the most difficult....and i have had lots more racist comments here than anywhere.Brighton and Norwich the easiest i would say....

we considered Brighton but house prices are no cheaper than London. Sorry to hear about your experience in Cheshire troutpout

Hi there
My family are also from South London. My children are mixed race too. We moved out to Maidstone , Kent two years ago. The kids seem to settle in quite well. Hubby too. I think I have found it the hardest moving out. It has taken quite a while to mellow! The number of other mixed race families living in our area seems to have increased alot recently. The area itself is quite nice and house prices far more affordable. It has good links to London. By road Maidstone sits on the M20. By rail, direct to Victoria. The town centre is quite busy and you can have your pick of the schools really. There arnt any groups or social meetups for mixed race children or families in the area, I have really looked!
The kids do seem to have far more oppotunities here and we dont regret moving one bit!

Yes Maidstone is more tolerant to other races than it used to be. I think the demographics of a lot of places are changing as more people move out of london, which is a good thing. We moved to Surrey and have the best of both worlds being near countryside and not far from Brighton but also near to great shops in Croydon.

We're between Henley on Thames & Marlow & have had absolutely no problems. Our ds has just started grammar & is the only mixed race (there are 2 or 3 Asians) in his year & has had no comments at all.

Hello

I'm new to this board, but I've been having a look at some of the posts. I am white, 33 years old and I have a lovely boyfriend, who is Indian/Italian, although he has always lived in England and is very British culturally. We've been together for 18 months, but my parents refuse to meet him because of his colour. I think this is partly racist and partly because they are worried that we will have problems if we take our relationship further and especially, have children.

Firstly, are my parents right? What kind of problems will we be up against. Although we live in London now and don't have problems at the moment, I was brought up in the country and would like to live there eventually, especially if we have children. I have just bought a holiday cottage in the Cotswolds, where we have friends - does anyone here know this area? I hate the thought that I couldn't just live where I want to, or that my children won't have the freedom I have had. Will they suffer racism at school? Are things getting better or worse? Do you think these are legitimate concerns, or am I building it up to be worse than it is.

Secondly, my parents are very upset with me and I don't want to hurt them. I understand that their generation had different views on this matter and it really is a taboo to them. Have any of you had to deal with prejudice from your families? How did you deal with it? I'm very close to my parents, but we have reached an impasse on this topic - they just refuse to meet my boyfriend.

I also wondered what it is like to have children who are not the same colour as you. Does it honestly feel strange? Do you get stares and uncomfortable comments? I think this is partly what my parents are worried about. How would our children feel having parents who look different? Do any of you have children who are an Indian/Caucasian mix? What are our children likely to look like?

I love my boyfriend, but there are clearly issues regarding interracial relationships. I know there are many people in the world who don't agree with it and I am really worried I won't be able to cope. Any advice from people in a similar situation would be so helpful.

Thank you.

Lucia

Sorry about my last comment. I am new and posted it here by mistake. I've started a new thread. Thanks!

Oh dear Lucia, sounds like you have an enormous amount to resolve yourself before worrrying about your (frankly racist) parents. If you have qualms about having children whose skin tone is different from yours perhaps you are not emotionally mature enough for children or marriage yet yourself.

Worry about how you can help your possible children experience both/ all of their cultures to the full. Worry about how you and your partner's families may have culturally different expectations of the way you will bring up your children. But worry about being looked at???! Oh please!

FWIW my children are mixed race but actually to me they don't look much like me or like dh although of course you can spot the family characteristics. They look like themselves. If someone stares at me or them or dh it is far more likely to be because ds1 is burping annoyingly loudly or ds2 is walking along with a pair of pants on his head pretending to be Buzz Lightyear not because of their skin colour. Most people are beyond that these days.

Shimmy, thanks for your response. My post mustn't have been very clear. It's not being looked at that I worry about. I've read messages on here where people have had swastikas painted on their cars and eggs thrown at them! That must be pretty hard to cope with. What about children suffering racism at school? You will probably know better than I how prevalent this is. I just hoped for some advice on these matters. Is this something to be concerned about or not? We don't actually have cultural, religious or language differences, so I'm not worried about that.

I'm glad you said that Lucia because it sounded a little weird.

My dss go to a very white school and we live in a very white area. My older ds is 10 and I can honestly say they have never experienced any racist or negative comments. I realise this may be because they are both quite light skinned and their peers are not yet old enough to cotton on to the fact that having a parent of different origin from the local norm is something to have a go at. But so far it just hasn't been an issue for us.

We have brought them up to be incredibly proud of their mixed heritage and at the moment they have only ever seen it as something to boast about (the fact that they could play for either one of two countries in the world cup for example ).

To go back to the OP's question though, a con of living in a place like this is that our boys do not live in an area where there are any role models of dh's race. Dh is unusual to say the least in this area and so the boys get far less awareness of that side of their culture. DH has found it almost impossible to keep that side of our lives going now we are out of the London area we were where we were in a big community. The dss would probably class themselves as 80% or more British (and not the 50/50 that dh and I would like them to feel).

Luciarose, my mum used to feel the way your parents do. She refused to meet my first black boyfriend and cited the same reason as your parents. Frankly I never believed it, I thought it was just plain racism and feelings of shame. Now 14 years later I am happy to say that she is an extremely proud and doting grandmother to her mixed race grandson and adores showing him off (and he adores her also). I resolved to never let her opinions interfere with my relationship choices as I didn't want to pander to her bigotry. You have to decide what is most important to you, but what I will say is that there aren't too many ideal love matches out there so if your bloke fits the bill in every way but his colour (meaning with regard to your parents), don't give him up! Ds resembles me a lot even though he has brown skin and I am very pale. If anyone stares at him I assume it's because he's gorgeous and he chirpily says "hello" to them. Naturally they are instantly charmed!

Hi Shimmy and Plummymummy

I am pleased that neither of you have had much racism. Plummymummy, I am pleased things worked out with your mother in the end. The ridiculous thing for me is that my boyfriend is exactly the sort of man my parents would like for me - they would love him if they could just get past his colour. It is a problem for me if they are not involved in my life because I don't want to cut myself off from my family - I don't have much family, only me, my parents and a few distant cousins.

I think listening to my parents and reading some of the problems people have had on this board have freaked me out. My boyfriend assures me he has never suffered any racism - and I know plenty of people at work and who I was at school with who I am pretty sure didn't either (although you never really know). Shimmy, I agree, it is something to boast about - I remember envying people at school with interesting backgrounds and exotic-sounding names. But there is no denying that racism is a major issue, in the news every day. You can't just ignore it. So I do worry about that.

LuciaRose, my mum used to try to blackmail me by saying she (now)accepts dh but doesn't know if she could accept it if we decided to have children. Well, we did and she does! If your boyfriend is everything they would wish for you apart from his colour, at least that's only one thing they have to get over! I think you may have to be ruthless here.

I think the biggest problem your children would have is their grandparents!

Racism can rear it's ugly head anytime, anywhere, not very often, ime, but often when you least expect it.

IMO experiencing the racism you partner v occasionally comeds up against would not eb a reason not to continue a relationship.

My DS is mixed race, and no issues at all arise formthis. He was once called 'chocolate face' by some kids on a campsite, a hairdresser once looked at me and said 'is he your son, only he looks like an Asian boy!!'. But these things go on somewhere wherever - it isn't a reason not to have a child you love, with someone you love.

Personally, I wouldn't want to live in a very homogenous all-white area, and DP wouldn't agree to it. I think it is helpful for children to have role models, reflections of themselves, and to be in an environment where they can feel at ease. I wouldn't want to bring a child up in an area where the village school was full of people who thought like your parents, for example.

I don't know what you do about your parents, but i think they are the problem, not your partner or any prospective child.

I live in a very white county (where i grew up)and have two ds's both darker than me (am very pastey. DH and I do a lot on the community side of things we have struggled to get involved in the traditional organisations around here. when we tried to get involved in one group as it was something quite important to us we were silenced by people going to the POlice and making up lies about me - we have pointed this out to the POlice at various levels and they have just ignored this. I have found this very difficult as I expect fairness and justice but DH has said this is how it's always been around here for him and i have to accept it being his DW. He's detrmined our ds's are not living around here.

everyone has always commented how beautiful our ds's are (and also how dark they are!!!) and it's true a big hello and by ds's wins most people over. have only had one nasty comment which was in amongst all the other nastiness that was going on. It was a shock to hear another little boy refer to my ds as the "brown boy" because i really don't see iot, they're my sons period and that's how i see them, yes when they're skin is next to mine (oh how i wish i could tan so i didn't cover up my legs all summer) i notice a difference but then i notice a difference with most white people and my skin colour. ( i was called milk bottle at school in an 99.9% white school) must also add a friend at school who was the only non-white there I'm ashamed to say was subjected to comments and i didn't know about it until we were adults. but things have changed since then with the makeup of the area and school
I do sympathise with LuciaRose's fears as i think they sound like they stem from the area you grew up in and the fact you have embraced a more multicultural life away form your home area but when you do have kids and after touching your bump for nine months hold him/her in your arms the very first time, i really don't think you'll care about anything other than your new family.
people are people there's good and bad in every colour of skin. Love for your children is meant to be unconditional and when you have children it will be a discovery of whether this is true for your parents to you - just be prepared and be strong - just in case. Yes it's sad if your close family end up being distant but you survive and children manage without grandparents. It's you that they need their love and confidence from. Bring up your children to be proud of their hertitage and strong , with self belief and they should be able to tackle anything thrown at them.

I grew up in Wales from 1974-1998, I am mixed race(black mother/white father). My mother raised me as a single parent and for years apart from the odd indian doctor or middle eastern student(a University town) passing through we were the only people of colour there. When I tell people in London that I was the only black girl in school( there was one chinese girl, one girl from Kuwait in my primary school and one mixed race girl in my secondary)they appear horrified. I had a happy childhood and had no problem in school whatsoever. I remember the odd person saying 'Black Sambo' to us but I never endured any lasting or traumatic racist experiences ever. I think that adults see more racism than children do and I had lots of friends. I would say that when it came to an age where girls and boys noticed each other, I was not on the top of the list to anyones girlfriend. This didn't matter at the time as I wasn't allowed to go near boys 'til I was 18. I would say that it has effected my self-esteem greatly as I don't have a very good self-image. People tell me that I am very attractive but I don't see it. I have suffered from more racism in London from black people who think that I am not 'black' enough because I did not grow up in the 'ghetto'.
I think that if you give your children a good home life and equip them with the right tools to ignore or stand up to bullies and bigots they will be alright wherever you live.
I would glady move back to Wales to raise my son but the job prospects their are bleak. I learnt Welsh and my philosophy is in Rome do as the Romans.