I'm white and pregnant with and Indian guy... advice please!

[YummyMummyBella]

So were not married and neither engaged but we are together. But because of this he is terrified his family and temple will disown him. Although I am white I am completely open to his culture and religion. I am in desperate need of some advice from anyone (preferably from someone who's Indian or any other mummies who have been in this predicament). I do want the baby to be involved in the Indian culture so would love some advice on that too.

I havn't been in your situation but am in a culturally and racially mixed marriage. Do his family know you are a couple and so do they accept your relationship, pregnancy aside? If so could you arrange a quick marriage?.

His relationship with his dad is non existent and very tense, so he doesn't talk to him about most things in his life. He has a closer relationship to his mother, and I think she is aware of us but not sure to what extent. I haven't met his family but have spoken to his mother on the phone. Our relationship last september took a turn for the worse (I saw he was flirting with countless girls via text and facebook but he swears it was nothing more) and so we took a break but where still 'close' hence how I got pregnant but we weren't together in a relationship. Since I caught him we have been in a sort of limbo of where we stand in our relationship. There's lack of trust on both sides but the pregnancy is bringing us closer but is also causing a lot of stress because of this clash of cultures. A quick marriage would relieve the pressure but I'm not sure if he wants to!

Congratulations first of all on the pregnancy!

I'm all for optimism but I'm afraid I will sound quite negative. Your first fight will be your acceptance and recognition of his family. Yes, you have spoken to his mother, thats one thing, whether she and the rest of the family will be happy to see him marrying you is another. You'd think they would be quite happy to marry Westerners but its not really the case (am married to a Nepali). Anyhow, getting them to accept you is one thing, another is to accept you being pregnant and married. I know that in my situation it would have been a big no. Hubby's family are not that strict but the shame it would have brought upon them, not only to be married to someone outside their culture but for this girl to be also pregnant. Impossible.

I'm assuming his parents live in the UK? If not, he may live here now but as he gets older, he may also have to look after his parents which could mean you will all live together, in India?

The other thing is, to me, your relationship doesn't sound very stable to begin with. You will face some cultural difference so if you are not strong together, you will really struggle.

Of course I don't know anything about your partner. I don't know his religion, how strong he takes his faith. It all sounds so romantic in the beginning, Indian food, some aspects of the culture are very enticing but its not all Bollywood glamour. How and where will you live? How involved will his parents be? How free will you be to make your own decisions after marriage. How will the child be raised?

Of course you could have a wonderful marriage but I just want you to really think about it, think of the complications and how you will deal with them. You already don't trust each other, doesn't sound like the greatest start.

Sorry to be so negative, I hope it all works out well for you.

Are there many other mixed marriages in his family? if so how are the non-Indian members treated?

I think the lack of trust is the biggest issue at the moment though, it may be worth sorting this out first and then thinking about a wedding later?

Congrats on your baby :)

Congratulations on the baby.

I think the first thing you need to do is push to meet his family at the very least. The longer that they don't know about you or the baby the harder is becomes for them to explain your appearance to their family/friends (not important in western culture but more in asian culture). You say his mother is aware of you but thats very different to accepting the fact that she has a pregnant daughter-in-law to be.

I think once you him can establish your relationship and where it is going then you can try and start operation MIL.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. As time has passed I'm beginning to wonder if it really is his family/religion stopping him or himself...

There is another family member who is married to a Western girl and had children but that ended badly. And there are also a few of his friends who are married to Western girls, so its not like its a complete no go. He has mentioned a few times that he wants to tell him mum (his sister is unable to have children to there are no grandchildren which upsets his mother) but he's just not sure how she will react. He does take his religion extremely seriously so that's another factor. His mother and father live around the corner from him in London.

He's a guy who loves attention and is a BIG flirt, and this is why I believe he doesn't want this to be out in the open, as it will effect the way girls act towards him. All of this did really upset me and it still does bother me but now my focus has changed towards the baby and making sure everything goes well. I guess I just have to take each day as it comes and worst case his family wont know, not ideal but as long as I have a happy healthy baby its all fine!

Thanks again everyone!! Wish me luck! X

Hi YummyMummy Bella,

I am in a similar position to you - engaged to an Indian who is so terrified of his parents that he can't tell them that he is in a relationship with a white girl, never mind the fact that I am now pregnant with his child!

I have no real advice for you (would be a bit hypocritical!) but just wanted to say a big congratulations on your pregnancy, and keep strong!

xx

Hi YummyMummy Bella

congrats on the baby. Baby is God´s gift and we should always be thankful for it.

Oh, it´s a relief to find another woman in a similar situation. I´m also western and pregnant of an indian. Oh, God, what a dificult situation. First he was happy and said he would marry me. After some weeks he changed his mind completely. I don´t even recognize him. He said he will not marry me anymore, that he doesn´t want the baby and will never tell his family. That all hurted me so much, you have no idea. So now I just think about the baby and prepare myself to be the greatest mother I can. But I still cannot believe how easily he rejects his unborn baby.

Wish you all the best! Be brave!

Itchynose and sundara, its such a relief to know there are others in a similar situation... You can't help but feel like the only one this is happening to and of course it feels SO personal. I'm angry at myself for falling for him and believing we would get married etc. We went from heading towards engagement to him hating me because I was pregnant. We stopped talking for a few weeks because he didn't want to know me or the baby but now he seems to have come around, however were not together which does bother me. But like you said sundara, keep focusing on the baby!! Wish you both the best of luck and huge congratulations. Keep strong x

Itchynose and sundara, its such a relief to know there are others in a similar situation... You can't help but feel like the only one this is happening to and of course it feels SO personal. I'm angry at myself for falling for him and believing we would get married etc. We went from heading towards engagement to him hating me because I was pregnant. We stopped talking for a few weeks because he didn't want to know me or the baby but now he seems to have come around, however were not together which does bother me. But like you said sundara, keep focusing on the baby!! Wish you both the best of luck and huge congratulations. Keep strong x