Need advise on my family's rights under Islam

[DungunGirl]

Hello ladies

I am a convert and my husband is muslim. My family are all non-muslims and my husband and I are looking at drawing up a will.

We are really not seeing eye to eye as everything my DH says basically boils down to my family not having ANY involvement/ guardian rights over my children in the event of both of our deaths.

I can understand his reasoning that if a non-muslim person where to bring up a muslim child that it is possible that the child would over time move away from islam.

However, surely there is some room to keep the side of the family that is non-muslim as part of their guardianship? SURELY the well being of the child is the most important issue? I mean my sister and mum would relocate to UK to ensure that my kids finished their schooling and that their life was kept on track. Whereas, DH's family are all in Malaysia and would basically end up pulling the kids out of school in the UK and relocate them half way across the world into alien surroundings.

My eldest is only 5 and has autism. This means he is very upset by change. He literally goes into meltdown if things change too much around him. Imagine what would happen to him if he lost both parents and then was shipped over to another country!

Also, my children have a loving bond with my sister and mum, however have a more formal relationship with DH's side of the family.

The thought that if anything happened to us that my kids would have the grief to deal with and on top of that they would be going to family members that they are not emotionally attached to and would take them away from their home, friends and basically everything that is familiar to them just BREAKS MY HEART.

Can anyone advise as to what the solution to this may be? My DH at the moment enjoys blinding me with loads of religious versus and rules and regulations etc to get me to have to shut up basically....what can I say/do to find a better middle ground?

My understanding is that your DH is correct. If you die then under Islamic law the children would 'go to' the fathers family. In reality that doesn't often happen (in the west). Where are you based?

My DH is Muslim, although no-where near as strict as yours by the sounds of it. Do you have life insurance? How about a policy to cover school fees (at a private school where you live) if, God forbid, you should both die? Your DH's family could be legal guardians but the kids could be schooled where they are and have access to your family.

Hi Vine

Thanks for the message. That is a good idea - the private school idea...may look into that.

My DH was never this strict. It all started after the birth of our first DS but was relatively mild a shift. Then after the birth of our 2nd DS and after one of my sisters converted to Islam, he went all 'hollier than thou' on me and it is really really wearing me down.

I actually feel some days I am clinically depressed because every time he opens his mouth these days - it is to give me a little religious lecture.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestion.

Hi Riven

Yes you are right. Unfortunately I don;t even know whether it is a recognised condition yet over there! My gut feeling is that it isn't...not largely anyway!

DH seems almost blinded by the worry of how the boys will live a responsible life and be proper muslims. It has become such a big deal in his mind that it seems to over-ride everything else - like for example ( in the instance of our passing ) their happiness, stability and education.

DH seems to have calmed down a little after a HUGE outburst on monday when all this came to a head...I am hoping he will continue to try and be calm.

I will try to look into hadiths actually...

know any good websites our resources that are relatively easy to understand?

How awful. Technically in the event of the parents death the children go to the fathers side, although most people would put the child's welfare first and foremost. Also correct me if I am wrong but I don't think there is anything about cutting contact to the other side, regardless of religion.
Your DH sounds very oppressive and controlling and like Riven says shouldn't be treating you like this.
You mention that one of your sisters is Muslim. If you really want to compromise could you not suggest in the event of your deaths this sister gets legal guardianship. This way your kids would stay with your family and he would not have to worry himself about their Islamic upbringing.

Are you in the UK? Then surely Islamic law has no bearing over civil/family law (if that's the right expression)

I'd go for the muslim sister as legal guardian as well.

Oh, and if you are in the UK, Islamic law doesn't hold up in court here at all. UK law applies.

The other thing you can do is maybe suggest sending them to an islamic school in the UK? I appreciate there aren't many about.

If you want to split the reponsibility you can make his family members guardians and your family memvers trustees, ie yours would control the money his the welfare. OF course that may be entirely unworkable but (for different reasons its what I have done).

You can also leave a letter of wishes if for example your paretns/sister were guardians stating your wishes that the cDC's were brought up muslim, go to a muslim shcool.

Or you could have 2 members of your family and one of his as guardians with a letter expressing the wish that his family member is deferred to in religious matters/upbringing

Thanks everyone.

Great advice.

DH has sinced calmed down a bit and we have agreed that one of my sister's and one of his brother's will be the legal guardians.

My sister will be the education/money/general person and his brother will be responsible for religious education.

It will be up to the 2 of them to organise how it is all carried out. We will put our wishes in the letter of wishes for more detail and then the rest will be up to them to organise betrween them.

A good compromise in the end I think.]]PHEW!

All the support has been wonderful though. THank you everyone.

assalaamu alaikum

im glad you sorted something out. i looked at this thread about a week ago and just logged on now to comment (didn't have a chance at the time then) but sounds like you've come to a good arrangement mashaAllah.

its probably worth remembering that something like this is inshaAllah a worst case scenario and so these arrangements are hopefully a safety net that you will never need to use.

the thing that struck me was how it seemed that it's not just the issue at hand that is the problem, but underlying it there seems to be a communication problem. my DH thought the same when he read your initial post.

if your husband has come closer to his faith, then that can be a good thing, and you can benefit by him emulating the way the Prophet (peace be upon him) treated his wives! however it does sound as though his method of encouraging you in something he believes in is putting you off. perhaps you should have a discussion with him and tell him that he is putting you off wanting to be religious, and if he backs off a bit and gives you time you will come to your own understanding. and for your part you could consider looking a bit more into that which has appealed so much to him since the births of your DCs, as you may find your increased knowledge and understanding brings you closer together.

finally just wanted to recommend this number if you have any other questions. mumsnet can help with support but its best to approach scholars if you want to know about the islamic rulings on a matter. Sh Haitham Al Haddad, monday to thursdays between 12.00-13.00. the number is 0845 108 7799. also sunnipath.com is a good website for rulings if you just want to read up a bit, there is a bank of answered questions on there.

you're in our prayers.

wassalaam