What would you do?

[geisha]

Would you do anything at all? Long story cut short. I recently found out that a few years ago dh took out loads of interest free credit cards, invested the money in stocks and shares and lost it all. We are in debt to the tune of £50k minimum. I am really upset and cross about it but he doesn't think there is any need to be. How would you feel? Would you leave? Is there anything I can do practically about it? Thanks in advance for any advice/perspective that you can offer. Cannot talk to anyone about this in RL.

Is he doing anything about it or burying his head in the sand hoping it will go away. Are they in your name too, legitimately or fraudulently ? Has he actually "lost" the money or are the stocks/shares just low (ie there is some hope of recouping it long term) The companies must be asking to be paid and he needs to work out a strategy to do so, with CAB or a debt management charity if needs be. He needs to face up to this sooner rather than later. You could leave but if you're implicated it won't really help resolve things.

burying his head. Paying minimum payments every month. I don't think I'm implicated other than I am married to him. We have no joint accounts. mortgage in joint names but paid out of his account.

I would put the debt onto our mortgage.

The share prices should hopefully rise. Shares are a long-term investment.

bumping for any other thoughts. Also, how would you deal with the dishonesty?

I would look at putting the debt on the mortgage if it is a possibility but I would think very very carefully before doing so as it is securing it against the house and as mortgage is in joint names the debt becomes half yours.

First port of call for me would be to contact CCCS or similar to get advice about the options. I would probably only stay in relationship on condition that I control the finance. Sorry you are going through this.

Gosh, I have started doing some sums and I suspect it is worse than I thought. I have bills for £60k, plus £40k I am aware of we owe a relative (I wasn't aware when we borrowed it). There are at least 3 credit cards and one loan that I am not aware of the amounts of . May be I could get my name taken off mortgage??

get professional debt help now

free advice from CAB or CCCS (don't pay for anything). If it's in his name I'd serioously consider letting him got bankrupt, after paying off the relative if at all possible.

Don't make any sudden decisions though. If it;s been going on this long it can wait a few days / weeks while you sort out what's what.

Have you applied for a copy of his credit file from experian / equifax online? that should tell you what accounts there are and I think gives an amount owing too

Oh dear i am very sorry.
Have you spoken to him , as in sat him down and directly asked him how to resolve this ?

I can sympathise my partner is the head in the sand type to when it comes to money.

Maybe contact cab or cccs.

This is a very large amount of money , but given he is meeting all the payments i guess you must have a fair amount of disposable income each month too ?

You are unlikely to be able to get your name taken off the mortgage as your DH is unlikely to be able to pass the credit check to take it over.

As long as all of this debt is in his name and your mortgage continues to be paid you are in a stronger position than were you to take responsibility by adding it to the mortgage.

Do you have any joint savings accounts? If you do close them and set up individual accounts because banks have rights to take money owed on a loan from other accounts held with them.

It might be sensible to move the account the mortgage is paid from to another bank if any of the debts he has are with that bank for the above reason.

He obviously has a problem of some sort, so I'd contact Gamblers' Anonomous (playing the stock-market is just fancy gambling) and CAB for advice about the debts.

If you take an additional loan out on the Mortgage to pay your DH's debts the bank will want to interview you to make sure you understand the implications of that decision after a case that ended up in court by the name of O'Brien see here

This doesnt smell right to me.

How can there have been no paper work?

How can he have been paying the minimum amounts and you not know? I can understand that with seperate accounts you could "lose" a couple of hundred each month but on those debts it will be alot more than that.

How can a relative be owed £40,000 and it never have been mentioned? What did the relative think they were investing in? Who has that lying around ready to lend to a friend?

This just doesnt add up.

You can't just get your name taken off the mortgage, its just not possibe.

Does he know you have found this? If so why hasn't he told you thw whole truth? For me, yes it would be a possible case of leaving. Does he still ahve the shares?

I'm too upset about this to justify -I really need some perspective and advice. Sorry if it doesn't smell right to some. I have never been that interested in the finances. Dh paid all the bills, whatever I earned was my own and used fo food/stuff for kids/holidays. I found out when I decided I would like to know and started opening the post. Dh had refused to tell me about it. There are 2 cultures involved and dh's sister in the US has lent the money. Dh is not a small earner, but had 3 years of basic income whilst he carried out work which was profesionally necessary but poorly paid.

Oh dear, what a nightmare, I am sorry You absolutely must have professional help to get this sorted.

I'm sorry to say that if my DH wouldn't come clean and be extremely repentant about it, I'm not sure I'd be able to continue the relationship. My friend's sister's DH has just admitted a gambling problem which has wrecked the finances. He's faced it though and is now getting help.

For starters ie. tonight I'd insist he hands over all the financal stuff to you and he gets a tiny amount of pocket until you work out where you are. Once you've worked that out and had a little time to get over the huge shock it must be and also know what your options are, then you can move forward.

Here is the CCCS website.

Geisha you don't need to justify yourself. I work in banking and I've seen this kind of thing before sadly

I've suggested GA and CAB, but also might be worth considering Relate to help air some of the issues of secrecy and breach of trust that must be very hard to deal with.

Another thought is that you take over the mortgage if you are able - DH can still pay it and when he's sorted himself out you can discuss putting him back on.

You have two issues really, the practical: what do I do about the finances and the emotional: how do I feel about this/him? how will I cope?

I don't think a troll hunt is really constructive in the circumstances - even if the OP were trolling it's useful to others in similar situations who might not feel able to post about it.

I didnt suggest this was a troll.

And I didnt say I didnt believe her.

I find it hard to believe that seemingly out of nowhere and in the midst of what is a happy marriage (the OP gives no indication it is anything else) thousands of Pounds worth of debt has appeared and there is an inability to discuss it in RL.

It just seemed that there might be more to it. His "burying his head" is the most worrying phrase in the OP, to my mind.

My advice at the outset would be to talk to your DP and tell him how upsetting this is making you. How you are considering your options about the mortgage etc and see if you can make him see the error of his ways.

I think the Relate suggestion is an excellent one.

An inability to discuss something as important as a debt of this magnitude would worry me as much as the debt itself.

Apologies for misunderstanding. Tis the curse of the interweb striking again

Apology accepted and kettle on for a cuppa, want one manic? Tis a problem though when so many people do come on trolling, it can make people think that way, and re-reading my post I can see why you thought I was troll hunting.

I hope the OP comes back with some more info / progress.

Today is a "big glass of wine" day. So I will decline your cuppa BBM but and offer you a cold glass of Sauvignon blanc.

I'm not currently working (SAHM - I understand that sounds wrong in the current financial situation, but it is cheaper not to work with nursery fees etc) so it won't be an option for me to take over the mortgage. Over recent days dh has been more willing to discuss, I guess I give him no other option. He has some land abroad which he thinks is worth around 100k he could sell. However, the value of the land will almost certainly double in the next 5-10 yrs so he is reluctant. We always said that would put the kids through college, sort weddings and deposits on houses. He has a stable and growing income now and feels that if we can hold out for another 6 months or so the bank will let him consolidate against the mortgage. I will go on the suggested websites. I do think he is sorry, he knows he was reckless but says he was trying to bridge a gap in income at the time. I am so angry and upset and scared about this. But, he is a good man. He treats me and the kids well and he loves us. I don't know what to do about the marriage. I know what I have to do practically - thank you.

Quaffs JAMM's offered glass of wine.

Geisha, it is good that your DH is willing to discuss it.

Personally, and it is only my personal opinion I would not be thinking about what the land could do in the future. For me your DH's judgement would be clouded by the fact he borrowed secretly in the first place to buy shares that crashed.

He should be thinking about the here and now, not weddings in the future.

But that is just my opinion based on my marriage.

Only you can decide how you deal with your anger and upset. But do acknowledge those emotions. If you don't, they will eat you up. Yes, your DH is a good man and a good father BUT he has got you into £100,000 worth of debt.

Do keep coming back for more advice if you need it, people will dispense it in bucket loads, and share their experiences.

Talked again last night. I think we will sell the land. I think I may have persuaded him to talk to his sister about this (not to borrow more money, but to face up to the situation). Am very grateful for the advice and perspective - would be glad to hear any other advice/thoughts.

I think selling the land is sensible. Living on the never-never is not good news and making his irresponsibility your problem by adding the debt to the mortgage would be a very bad idea. He's already shown some shocking judgement with money so you need to take back control.

I'd also suggest he gets some professional help from some of the agencies suggested. His sister is already complicit in his deceptions even if unknowingly. If he was putting it on the horses you'd make him go. Gambling on the stock market is the same thing. There are plenty of ways to invest in shares without risking losing the whole lot - but none of them are as sexy and exciting as betting which shares will go up and which will go down.

Every time he tries to explain it away as "investments" "stocks" "shares" "long-term returns" swap those words with "horses" "GGs" "racing" "Accumulator betting" if it helps re-focus you.

Ok, we're definately selling the land. We are off to the place where the land is in Feb so we will sort then. Really sad to be selling our nest egg but it's the only sensible thing to do and it will clear all debts completely. It is so obvious now it is agreed but have mnetters to thank as I completely let the emotion of the situation cloud my sensible judgement. So a BIG THANK YOU!!

Once all debts cleared, we are agreed that bank accounts go into joint names as will any future credit card etc.

Geisha, really glad to hear it's all getting sorted