Pls help re domestic money issue

[Pudsmouse]

To cut a long story short (namechanged for this as embarassed): my H keeps taking my credit cards off me and withholds cash money if he thinks I spent 'too much'.

We live abroad and he is the one with the working visa whereas I'm a SAHM with a 1 yr old. If I argue with him he says he is the one bringing in the $$$ and I have no say in financial matters. I feel so powerless and don't know what to do. I do not have any rights here as my visa is tied to him and there is no support network back in Europe for me either. I used to be a highly paid director and now I feel like a little naughty school kid. He however spends thousands of £ a year on gadgets and stuff that he conceals and never tells me about.

All our credit cards and accounts are in his name here. I cannot open my own due to visa issue. I am sick of it. Any advice? Please don't be harsh on me, I've had a really bad day already. Thank you.

does he have any redeeming features? Is he a good dad? Does he control other aspects of your life?

sounds awful

my instinct is to say leave him and come home with your 1 yr old

is this possible?

Well - this isn't a good way for him to behave, but then you know that!

All the money he is bringing into the family should be for you both to use. However, there does have to be some limit on what you're both spending.

Do you have a set amount that he gives you each month? Could it be that you're spending more than he thinks there is available? You say it's credit cards, so is he worried about you running up an unmanageable bill?

You need to talk it through with him, in a non-confrontational way, and agree how much you should have each month - for household stuff as well as your own spending money - and then make sure you do stay within those limits.

I hope this helps - and sorry that you're having this row - money arguments are no fun, especially when you're used to your own money/salary.

Hi sorry, was out with bubs. Yes, he is a lovely guy, very generous but always expects something back. He's an okay Dad, not the most patient but very loving and adores our dd. It's not that bad that I want to leave, I am hoping that we are mature enough to discuss this and get over it.

Yes, we both can set the credit cards afire and there are no spending limits but I have stopped shopping for myself since I had the baby as I hardly go out unless I'm with him. I feel quite lonely we are living abroad and I miss the UK. I have tried to make friends but I think I'm more of a loner and prefer to stay in and read in the little spare time I get.

I'm just so that he could say this to me, I do care for my dd morning, noon and night. I clean and we do not have any domestic help as everyone else has here. If I billed him for child-rearing, cleaning, I bet I'd have a good amount of £ in my pockets. I want to defuse this argument but feel he talks over me.

Thank you for your advice so far, I will calculate the food and bills and manage personal spending to get a better idea.

"If I argue with him he says he is the one bringing in the $$$ and I have no say in financial matters."

That sentence alone would be enough to warrant a swift kick in the goolies. How dare he?

Sorry, not very helpful.

Are you spending too much?
I mean is it a case of him wanting you to stop over spending or are you working within your budget etc?

Yes clam, I know.

DF, no, I do not overspend, neither on food nor other items. It is well within the bounds of 'left-over' money after paying all necessities. If I dither over a big purchase (anything from £200,- up), then I discuss this with him. He however goes and spunks it on whatever he fancies and then doesn't tell me but hides it in the closet, office, etc. I would laugh if I wasn't so angry.

If I pick him up on it, then he starts that old argument. Oh I don't know...

I think you need to sit down with a spreadsheet of day to day expenses/bills that you're responsible, add in money for incidentals/treats for you and your baby, add 20% on to be negotiated back down, and treat it like a business budgeting meeting.

Thanks mumblechum! I have actually started to write down every single expense and am adding it up now to defend myself.

Is there a fixed percentage of allowance that I can show him?

If he wants to think of life in $$$$, then I would bill him for full time nannying, housekeeping and cooking. As your DS is only 1, then I would add on a night time "on call" allowance.

Then I would kick him in the goolies.

Are you abroad for the benfit of his career? If so I would double my rates, and kick him in the goolies again!

Good luck.

I hated having to ask DH for cash in the last few months of mat leave. But at least he didn't begrudge it.

Haha, yes BRS, I know. If I were to do that it would certainly make a neat income for myself.

Yesw, we are abroad because he wanted to explore the opportunies in a new region. And I cannot work here due to visa restrictions and dearth of jobs. They don't do part-time here and because we have no family or friends here I don't want to leave my dd in the daycare centre, it's not the same as in Blighty.

Thank you all for your advice and support, much appreciated.

What BikeRunSnowflake said. But with an additional final kick to the goolies when he's not looking.

How dare he speak to you like that.

Marriage is a partnership, and if you jointly decided to 1) have a baby (2) move abroad (3) for you to be a SAHM etc etc, then you jointly spend the money.

Was at the Drs today, and glanced at the Domestic Violence info, and controlling the money, cutting you off from family and friends (let's go abroad, darling) were on the warning list.

Not saying for a moment that DH is violent, but his behaviour/attitude is very controlling...

Good luck at working it out - is there a "Relate" equivalent out there?

Hope you've managed to have a chat - hope my last post wasn't too dramatic. I'm sure things will work out - I know that finances are a nightmare in loads of relationships.