I orginally posted this elsewhere on the forum and have had some fantastic supportive message and some great advice.
One bit of advice was to post it on this part of the forum.
Apologies as its a long one, its just not often I have been able to "voice" my feelings and frustrations.
Just come across this thread so thought I would post as I am at my wits end.
I split with my X wife two and a half years ago. At the time of the split we had a young boy and she was also pregnant. The timing of the split was awful and hurt us both immensely.
Initially, the split was amicable to a degree, though a lot of silence!! She was in the house, I stayed at my sisters and had unrestrained access. I took full advantage of this despite fact that every visit involved silence from both her and her mother (who moved in after our split)I saw my children every day. I was also paying double the csa recommended amounts.
My wife gave birth to our second child.( I was not allowed in delivery room but fully understood that, but was upset that it took my x wifes mum 20 minutes to find me after the birth despite fact I was 5 yards away in waiting room to tell me it was a healthy baby etc)
Anyway, things carried on. She asked me that if ever I meet anyone else to let her know direct instead of her finding out via someone else.
I then did meet someone else. we were in throes of a divorce so I thought it was right to tel her. She accepted this. Perhaps I was naive to think it would not cause a difference but it was my wifes decision to divorce not mine so thought she had lost her feelings.
two weeks after telling her this, I got a letter from a solicitor saying I can only see my children once a week for two hours in a play centre. I was gobsmacked. I rang her asked her why and she said it was her decision and I had not seen much of the kids since the split????? so not true.
I assumed this was temporary but had to point out that the nature of my job meant one in two weekends I was travelling back to home town and usually didnt get there till late afternoon. she was aware of this.
I was mad and admit I did say I would do everything in my power to stop this and would take the kids from her , legally!! .
anyway, this continued. The sols letter had also stated I could see them on their birthdays and xmas as well.
I was attending once every two weeks as this was all I could do , she would not change days. refused outright. I saw my oldest boy on his birthday. this was a thursday. I then turned up on the saturday for visit and she wasnt there. I waited etc, nothing. so I went to house. All her family were there and she was having a birthday party and said I had seen them thursday so could not see them today as that was my weeks visit?? it was ridiculous.
I was a special constable at the time. Next time I went in for duty, my senior officer called me in and said my x had made a complaint!! I asked what about and it was about me turning up at the house. she claims she was intimidated?? despite fact she had friends and families with her and I was on my own. I did not raise my voice at all etc. My senior officer said I had to abide by courts decison. I said we had not been to court ?? she was shocked and said oh. well get a solicitor and get it sorted quickly.
so I did. at the time I was on ok money in my day job. consulted a sols. she said this is not an issue, so I paid court fees etc and went to court. at first hearing, her only defence re limited access was that I had threatened to take kids off her , that the police had said supervised visits etc.
however, court said they wanted statements submitted etc, said no need for cafcass as no welfare issues and said her mum needed to stop accompanying my x on the visits.
so off we went. my sols said she woudl sort out statements. in the mean time, I had moved to North of england, but was stil traveling 500 miles at weekends to see my kids. not an problem as loved them.
I had not heard from my sols for a few weeks so I left a couple of msgs and emails. I then got a phone call from her saying why am I not in court??I said what do you mean. she said I should be in court that day for submisson of statements. I said she had not told me this or advised me.
anyway, the long and short of it is that because I did not attend, the court said no to my improved access and that supervised visits could continue!! I was hurt. why would I pay to take them to court and not bother turning up.
I contacted the law society and the case is ongoing re the negligence of my old sols.
My x's solicitor then wrote to me saying I could see them for two hours once a fortnight!! I rang them back and said I was not accepting this as I wanted more etc etc.
I then got a letter saying my x had decided not to let me see them, wanted no contact etc.
This hurt. I tried to email and text but got not response. I then got made redundant!! so had no money. I then had surgery on my shoulder which prevented me from going back to work.
However on flip side this entitled me to legal aid!!!
I was then hearing from people in my odl town that my x was saying I had not bothered seeing my children for months. this was just not true. she has said she didnt want me to have any contact.
so, I then got granted legal aid, got a new solicitor who immediatley got in touch with my x (she wont tell me where she lives with my children as the house we were in has not been sold). my solicitor said they wanted to reintroduce visitation and once a fornight for 4 hours would be a great start to reintroduce me to my children. to my suprise she accepted though listed a lot of things in her reply, such as I had not bothered to see my children for 6 months. My solicitor did not "bite" but did reply saying we accepted it but also sent a copy of the letter I had given them from her solicitors saying she was refusing all access!!
Anyway, I then got signed fit to work and immediately got a job. this was my first time ever out of work.
the visits commenced. fantastic , totally rebonded with my oldest boy, he is 4. and bonded for first time with youngest. he is 2.
My x is at every visit, in a play centre, with her friends there. I accepted that was best to start so it was all gradual.
However, she refuse's to let me speak to them on the phone, even for once a week, refuse's to allow me more access etc.
I travel 500 miles to see them and dont regret a mile of it. I pay for everything when I see them, I pay my csa gladly.
this has been going on for 6 months but she wont change.
My problem now is that my job means I earn just above the threshold to get legal aid. by literally £500 a year!! My new partner is due to give birth to our first child in a month so my boys will have a new brother.
my solicitor is appealing to legal aid to see if I can get funding but its unlikely. this will mean I have to pay up to £5k to get more access (my sols say she has to tell me where she lives and as I have recorded all text and email conversations and no confrontation has taken place etc) that I would get more access..
I am waiting a decision from legal aid at the moment.
My ex turns up late for visits, has friends there, alienates my family from them.
I have never used any physical violence on my wife and children. I have paid my way with them apart from when I was off work with shoudler injury, CSA were aware. I hardly ever even raised my voice at my X.
Yet I am becoming alienated. my kids love me and adore me as I do them. they will have a brother soon. yet my x goes around saying how much she tries to accomadate access when in reality she is doing everything in her power to stop me seeing them and to stop me building up a relationship.
I appreciate she is bring them up on her own. but she doesnt have to be on her own, both me and my family will support her but she refuses.
sorry, long post but its very upsetting.
If I dont get legal aid I am going have to pay for a solicitors fees. hard when I have rent to pay, csa to pay, bills to pay, costs of 1000 miles a month re seeing the children for limited access etc plus a new baby on the way.
I will start saving. but it will take me a long time to save enough as I have limited disposable income and every week saving is another week on these visitation terms.
I want to do what is right for the kids, but my x is putting her animosity towards me over the childrens best interest. She just wont budge as she knows she gets legal aid so has unlimited budged but knows I dont get it and cant really afford it.
sorry. rant over. I am just suffering and its nice to vent it somewhere.
sorry if I sent you all to sleep.