DH is moving out, we're both on benefits, need advice on how to separate everything...

[PurpleLostPrincess]

DH and I are splitting up, he's currently looking for a one bedroom place to rent in the same town. He has mental health issues and is on DLA (lower rates) and IB (longterm). His addiction has torn this family apart and I have had to ask him to move out as I can no longer tolerate his addiction and its not a good environment for the children to grow up in.

I have 3 DC's, the youngest of which is both of ours, the two eldest are from a previous marriage and xh pays me £25 per week in addition to buying all their school uniform/shoes and any clothes that they need.

We're currently on housing/council tax benefit and child tax credit and I receive carers allowance for my youngest and she gets DLA (middle rate).

He is seeing about getting HB for this new place and help with moving etc, waiting for the council to ring back and advise on how it all works. He will then notify DLA and IB (should be fun as I've always dealt with all of that due to his illness!).

I've looked everywhere online to see if I can get income support or find out what I would be entitled to (entitledto.com) but can't seem to find an income support calculator. Also, worried about whether or not they would target xh re child support and trawl us through the whole CSA route. Would they also target DH and take away from his benefits (which will already go down) in order to pay maintenance?

We're still very much friends and are trying to do what is best for us as a family - his aim is to sort himself out (re addiction etc) and hopefully in the future we can be reunited as better people. Thats not to say I'm sure there will be a few dramatic scenes between now and when he leaves but on the whole we're managing to be 'grown up' about the situation so far...

Is there anything I have missed in terms of what I should be doing when separating out our finances? I've been a single parent before but I'm scared about the prospect of being on my own with 3 children and not being able to feed them!

Thanks in advance - will pop back later on

I should mention that I was working when I was previously on my own with 2 DC's so it was pretty straightforward but due to DD2's issues, I'm now her 'carer' and at home with her. I have actually looked at working but so far it would seem that I would be worse off financially which enrages me as I've always been a worker, also there don't seem to be ANY jobs out there...

Bump

OK so DH heard back from the housing dept - apparently because he is classed as having 'support needs' due to his mental health issues, he won't qualify for the particular scheme that helps with deposits/finding a property etc. They're going to speak with the crisis team and get one of them to get back to him. In the meantime, the nurse from the mental health clinic that he attends called me back and said that his consultant is on holiday for the next three weeks but she'll book him an appointment and maybe he will 'allocate' him (not sure what that means!?). I've had suggestions that perhaps we should get social services involved and have a 'family risk assessment done'. Does anybody have any knowledge of these? Will it mean my children will go on the 'at risk register' and what would that mean? He is not an immediate danger but he has psychotic episodes in the past and ended up slashing his arms a couple of weeks ago (obviously not infront of the children!). He's NEVER in 7 years gone for any of us but some people are leading me to believe that he could potentially be of danger. So confused about all of this - we both just want him to go live somewhere else and sort himself out and for me to be able to sort ourselves out so we can be better human beings and parents...

Bumping again

Sorry no advice, but bumping for you. Maybe contacting CAB would help.

I believe the new changes that came in last year means that if you go onto IS - which you will qualify for - you no longer have to use the CSA for maintenance from your DH (or your ex for that matter).

If it were to go the CSA route your DH would be expected to pay £5 a week to you.

Presuming he paid that £5 and you continued recieving £25 from your X then IS would take the into consideration and would take £10 off your IS payments (as you're allowed to keep the first £20 that you "earn" or recieve).

Excellent, thats a great help, thank you so much! One less thing to worry about - I was just thinking I might pop into CAB later in the week

PLP , I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry to hear about this. I think it sounds like you are doing the right thing by everyone and it's good that it is all amicable. You've tried and tried SO hard to help him. You're one amazing and strong lady.

I'll email you on FB tomorrow

Hugs lovely xxxxxx

That must be really hard for you, I don't have a clue what the answers are to the questions you're asking but just wanted to let you know I really admire you for getting your dc out of this situation and sorting out a stable environment for them while remaining on good terms with your ex. Can't have been easy, so well done.

Can I ask what he's addicted to if it's not too intrusive?

Absolutely! Sorry, I wrote the op rather quickly and tried to condense it as much as possible. Its cannabis and its been a problem for a long time on and off but seems to be more prevalent in the recent year or so. He has attended a local drug dependency clinic and did six weeks of one to one sessions but can't handle the next stage which is group sessions due to his mental health issues. I think he has finally realised that the green makes his illness worse and he's in a downward spiral of destroying himself. Thing is, he's destroying me and the kids at the same time and we just can't go on living like this.

Hopeyyyyy!!!!! Bless you hun, sorry I've not caught up with you yet, its been mega manic around here lol! Have been tempted to put something on my status on fb but didn't want to attract any attention just yet anyways! (((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thank you pottycock, I got all weepy when I read your post! Its not been easy but I'm fed up with being the victim and need to do something it about it. Thing is, he's a loving, kind, thoughtful person most of the time, he just doesn't have ANY responsibilities and unfortunately I've enabled him thus far. But NO MORE!!! I'm risking losing him forever but if its the best thing for the kids then so be it. Hopefully I can post in six months time saying that it all worked out for the best and that he's home clean; but its down to him to put in the hard work now!

You are going through a difficult time at the moment. Hope you can get everything sorted soon. Can I ask whats wrong with DD2? I ask because my DD has SN, so want to know if I can offer any advice to you. The SN board is also very good for advice.

I think you are doing the right thing - it is too hard to live with someone like that. My OH had the same issue with cannabis until about a year ago when he just stopped one day -we're now dealing with his other problems and I am just full of admiration for you that you are getting your kids and you to a safe, happier place. It's horrible how someone's addiction completely eats up your life before you've even realised it. Well done for setting yourself and the kids apart from it all, it can't have been an easy decision to make, particularly when you want him to get better, but you will be so much happier.